Two steps Back

[Kellsie]

My wife and I had a heart to heart last night and I told her I wanted to start carrying a purse, she said no because she is worried about what people might think and she said she is not ready for that.  She says she still is unsure of who she is now due to my coming out; I mean she does not mind me wearing womens clothing out in public but no makeup or carrying of a purse is allowed.  She still does not understand all of what is going on with me and part of her just hopes I will change my mind and go back to being her husband even though I have already started HRT.  She said even though "my friends" know she is afraid of what her friends might think.  I have not been able to fully dress as of yet.  I feel like I just took two steps back.  I am so ready to just move forward.

[Melissa M]

Ouch Kira.  I am really sorry for this news.  I, myself, am in a similar boat, and I had to think of what was more important.  Her, or my well being?  I also had to look at this financially.  Was it easier for me to stay here, and just get by with getting by, or....to break up a 10 year engagement, with her and her 2 children, and move out and go somewhere else.

My girlfriend, finance', wants a man in her life.  Her kids need a "dad".  Even though I have told the daughter, she now is very distant from me.  She said to me, well, if you can act "neutral" I can be around you, as did my fiance'.    So, keeping that in mind, I felt, and feel, that it is in my best interest, to leave this situation behind me.  I can not sacrifice myself anymore for others, or what others think.  I know it is hard, and it hurts like hell.  Though denying yourself, hurts even more.  Eventually, she will either accept it, or hate it.  Though, ultimately, Kira, you have the final say.  You will always have the final say. 

[Dawn D.]

Oh Kira and Melissa!

You both are in a very tough place right now. Please , believe me I know the feeling as, I am sure many others here also know of taking two steps backward.

Kira, how long has it been since you've come out to your wife? It almost sounds a bit similar to my experience when I told my wife about this over four years ago. But, does she understand that you are transitioning? After all, you are on HRT! Does she go to therapy sessions with you? If not that might be a good place to start. When I first started therapy, my wife told the therapist that "if he was going to go parading around town as a woman", she "was not going to be married to me anymore"! It kind of threw me into a tailspin for a while and I really thought my life was over! She also was worried over what her friends would think/say and the biggie, what her boss might do if he "found out".  However, after a few month's and a few more sessions she started to "get" the idea that this was not going away, ever, and that she needed to make her own choice, stay or leave. I'm glad she chose the latter. It certainly did not happen over night and, it did feel like it took forever to make progress.

All I can really offer is that hopefully time is the answer and after enough of it maybe she'll realize that this isn't going to end for you either. Hopefully, she'll adjust to what you need to do and, will be there with and for you. Now that she knows you feel the need to carry a purse, given some more time, possibly she'll relent on her rejection and support you in doing so. But, as painful as these issues are, you have to support her, too. Her fears and worries are not completely without merit. This is all an unknown quantity for her. Rest assured though, these issues can work out in order for you to proceed and at some point feel complete. I know, it did for me!


Dawn

[lilacwoman]

Hi Kira...what do you mean 'she let's me wear women's stuff out in public'...unisex or definitely female skirt/tops?

You need to sit down with her and tell her that you are changing for keeps and that means getting more female....unless.............
unless you've experiencing Anne Vitale Effect.

Have a look at www.avitale.com and her TNotes #15 about testo/estrogen...if that's not what's making you female then you need to go see a therapist.

[Kellsie]

When I say she lets me wear womens clothes I always wear womens underwear, bra, pants and tops.  I came out to my wife about two years ago but it has been just since I have started HRT that she finally accepted the fact that I am transitioning.  I have had to put psychotherapy on hold for now as that is a two hour trip just one direction to the therapist.  So for now I just see the gender therapist.  I have been under the care of both for the past year and due to the amount of snow and the condition of the roads here in Michigan I have opted not to take that two hour drive.  However, that said we have made lots of progress as my wife helped me to pick out my new name and I was finally able to post my own avatar and change my name on my profile.  It will probably be another year before I will be able to even consider going full time.  My wife has truly become my best friend through all of this as now she helps me to pick out clothes and she and I go shopping for the unmentionables.