Things that you never thought about before transition.

[Tammy Hope]

Here's something tricky (and stunning!)....

I had been assuming my crew generally had read me and was aware that I was....not your ordinary girl.

So anyway, my wife's nephew shot himself tonight and while on our way to the hospital one of the girls in the crew called me with a job question. and I told her in passing I'd probably be off a considerable part of the rest of the week because of this and she asked "Was it on your side or your husbands?"


!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, I was giddy at the idea I might have passed so well for weeks at a time (though I also considered later that it might just have been her way of really being super accepting by not being the one to use the word "wife") but then it struck me - if I'm not being open about my status with people (even when I know they know or assume they must have figured it out) how do I describe who died?

I've already slipped once or twice and mentioned my wife in front of others - and one of those I've slipped in front of has visited my home so I know she knows - but the point remains, whether it's this situation or some other: when dealing with a person for whom the agreed upon assumption is that I'm an "ordinary" woman, how do I speak of anything that I have to describe as "my wife's..."

Somehow, "My spouse's nephew" just won't do.

[Myself]

Just be a lesbian woman then?

And people generally aren't "accepting" if they don't know, cause then there is nothing to accept. She most likely didn't see anything unusual

[kyril]

Well, for things that relate more to her family than to her (like this) you could use a dodge like saying "Oh, it was my brother-in-law's kid," which actually sounds like you're being more specific, while avoiding the potentially-awkward part.

But if you have to actually talk about your wife, you're kind of stuck - you're in a position similar to that of a lot of gay and lesbian professionals, but with an added twist. If you're willing to be seen/out yourself as lesbian and if your wife doesn't feel offended by the word, you could call her your "partner," which has the bonus of diverting your listener's potential prurient interests from your gender to your sexuality.

[Tammy Hope]

I've used "partner once or twice when she wasn't around - she would most assuredly take grievous offense to any phrasing which implied she was lesbian.

I hadn't thought of "brother in law" before though....I did dodge it tonight by saying, when she asked, "it was an in law" though.

My blunders were both an instance when someone mentioned something and before I thought I said something like "my wife's family" or whatever.

And I had one other narrow escape when one of my crew was working near my mother in law's home and I was telling him about a closed road.

He said "how do you know that area?'

and I replied "I've got, uh, people up around there"

VERY close to saying "my wife's family"

[Cindy]

The expression of: my partner, is quite accepted here. Many people keep their second name when married, and of course many people now don't formally marry.  I think it is now on some government forms as in: Partners name and address etc, they then have some stupid comment like relationship to partner

Cindy

[Sandy]

I was once having a lunch chat with a woman at work, who didn't know of my past, and in a discussion about Christmases past, I offhandedly mentioned that I got Lego blocks one year.

"Your parents bought you Lego blocks? I thought it would have been Barbie's!"  I could have bitten my tongue off.  I quickly countered that I had some Barbie dolls (I wish) but I played with my brothers blocks so much that they gave me my own.  And that is probably what led me to a life of being a geek.  I really did not want to turn the conversation into a discussion about me.  We later had that conversation.

She was incredulous that I was not given stereotypical gifts when I was a little girl.

I did not think that my past could so easily out me.  And I was again reminded why I did not go stealth.

-Sandy

[Myself]

why would it out you?

Just say you loved lego. A lot of my girl friends loved legos O_o

She didn't "out" you, she just found it a bit unusual, most likely because you're probably acting very girly and thought you always been that way and lego is a bit out of the equation, not improbable though.

The things people here are worried about are just ridiculous sometimes.. you are not a spy or an actor/actress remember that! be who you are and that's it.

[Sandy]

why would it out you?

Just say you loved lego. A lot of my girl friends loved legos O_o

She didn't "out" you, she just found it a bit unusual, most likely because you're probably acting very girly and thought you always been that way and lego is a bit out of the equation, not improbable though.

The things people here are worried about are just ridiculous sometimes.. you are not a spy or an actor/actress remember that! be who you are and that's it.

As I mentioned, I did not want to take that particular opportunity to take the discussion in a totally different direction.  We did have that discussion a bit later.

Yes, I was completely myself, I gave up acting when I transitioned.  She and I are of the same age and when we where children, "boys got trucks and girls got dolls".  She was a little taken aback by my getting a typically boy gift.

-Sandy(I still play with legos sometimes)

[Myself]

well that's her problem, you don't need to excuse it or lie.

You liked and still like legos, so your parents bought you some, so what?

Why should it worry you or make you think you "outed" yourself is what I don't get you can proudly be a woman who plays lego, just like many other women and your parents did the best for you buying things you like and not just stereotypical things.

When I was really little, I can remember myself playing with cows, with legos, with soldiers, with dolls and even a bit with cars!
I also have memories of boy friends and girl friends playing all those mixed things with me, I also have memories of people being like "that's for girls!".. I actually remember less "that's for boys!" selective memory or just more acceptance of variety on girls side? can't know I guess.

I won't be afraid to say I did karate when I might even like to go to martial arts again, actually, I found quite a bit of girls liking the idea but some just didn't find themselves participating in it.

Don't be so afraid.. You haven't done this to be the reality of the streotypical girl, you have done this to become the whole you.
Some gender boundaries are just imaginary while others are more real, you'll feel much better if you don't stress yourself over it.

P.S. I have a friend who plays with legos, does martial arts and plays computer games all day, she's not embarrassed of it and doesn't think it makes her any less of a girl.

[K8]

I think the toys are an age thing.  When I was little - back in the Dark Ages - I played with boy toys because I was a boy.  Barabies didn't exist, nor did Ken dolls.  I don't think Legos did either.  At church they had a wonderful playroom, and both girls and boys played with the wooden blocks.

I did have a family of Teddy bears.  (For some reason they were OK.)  I learned to sew so that I could make clothes for them.

Back to Laura's theme: Our society doesn't have a structure for people like us.  I've had a few difficult conversations, trying to talk about my partner's death or my daughter's biological mother.  Sometimes I just edit out my wife altogether, and sometimes I refer to her as my husband.  (She's dead so can't object at this point.) 

Still, when I had a long talk with my ex-wife (daughter's other mother), she asked how she should refer to me.  I suggested partner, but she didn't like that.  We really didn't come up with a solution.

I've just had a long correspondence with my daughter.  She accepts that I am a woman and in a sense always have been, but she misses her father.  I again (and again and again) assured her I will always be her father.  That set up some dissonance in me that I'm just recovering from.

Being trans can be very confusing.

- Kate

[kyril]

It's definitely an age thing. We under-30s don't necessarily always appreciate how different (i.e. more androgynous) our childhoods typically were than our parents' and grandparents', or how much thought and effort on our parents' part went in to making that change.

[JessieMH]

It's definitely an age thing. We under-30s don't necessarily always appreciate how different (i.e. more androgynous) our childhoods typically were than our parents' and grandparents', or how much thought and effort on our parents' part went in to making that change.

Agreed, I lucked out growing up I think.  Moved around a little but somehow always ended up living next door to a girl my age   Hopefully a good number of years down the line when this comes up I'll be able to pass my childhood off well enough

[Dana Lane]

"Things that you never thought about before transition"

Even though I knew it was out there I never really thought a lot about it. Then I watched "Her name was Steven" and it sunk in something fierce.

Legal discrimination.

I live in Philadelphia where there are laws to protect Gender Identity and Expression. There are also policies in place where I work at. But now I realize that there is only a small proportion of 'free country' left in the states for me now. I can't simply decide to move somewhere and go. I must research the laws to see if I can be legally discriminated against.

Right now I am fairly depressed about this and I feel I am screaming at the top of my lungs but nobody hears me.

[Erica L.]

"Legal discrimination."

I fear this will be an all too sobering reality here in East Tennessee.

[V M]

One thing I didn't give much thought to before transitioning was clothes


Same here... The various terms for various clothes and shoes and the reasoning behind it still baffle me from time to time ... LOL

[PanoramaIsland]

Yeah, I try to avoid most "women's" clothes. They're sized oddly, usually don't fit me right, and leave me looking like a dweebnik anyway. The most "womanly" clothing I wear is heavy goth stuff - big, layered skirts and shirts with long cuffs and ruffles.

[K8]

Another thing I never even considered:

I now understand and am moved by love songs.  Always before they were just nice songs, but now they can move me to tears.

- Kate

[Tammy Hope]

Another thing I never even considered:

I now understand and am moved by love songs.  Always before they were just nice songs, but now they can move me to tears.

- Kate

See I want that. I want that as badly as I want breasts.