Disturbing Behavior at Work

[Britney_413]

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but my direct supervisor is acting really creepy. The company I work for claims to be very diverse and non-discriminatory but I have heard some complaints by other employees about possible discrimination.

Anyway, I've only had this new boss for a month after they fired the old one and right away is up in my personal business. I don't mind sharing my business at work on a voluntary basis and will chat with co-workers about things I did over the weekend and similar things like that.

A lot of people at work are openly gay and frequent GLBT establishments. I have run into numerous employees at my company outside of work who have seen me presenting as a female (cross-dressed). With enough of these coincidences, people are going to start talking at work. Therefore, many months ago I came out to all relevant employees that I crossdress outside of work and showed them a few pictures. Not once was anybody hateful and several even showed support if I wanted to transition. I have not transitioned yet but felt it would be an opportunity to show up to work on Halloween presenting as the female I usually present as outside of work. If you check out my other thread, it went very well for the most part.

My direct supervisor when he saw me asked me, "What are you doing?" with a disturbed look on his face. This was the one individual who seemed to have a problem. I explained that I cross-dressed for Halloween and that this is something I often do outside of work. I then explained to him why so many of the other co-workers on our team routinely call me Britney. They also call me by my legal name about 50% of the time which is the name on all company documents, my desk, etc. He then asked me, "So you are now Britney from now on...Is this what you are doing from now on?" implying that I have suddenly transitioned to female. He did not say this in a supportive way but a very creepy manner. Several days later, I was talking about weekend clubs I go to with some of my co-workers and one of them said he even DJ'ed there in the past. We were having a good chit-chat when the boss walked up right at the moment I said to my co-worker, "Isn't it amazing how many people you run into outside of work at the clubs."

The boss said in a very creepy manner, "What club is this that you go to?" and the co-worker (the one who DJed there) interrupted and gave the name of the establishment. He then said, "What kind of a club is this?" also in a very invasive manner. I then interrupted and said in a joking manner, "A dance and show club that has a lot of people like me there" and referred to the day I dressed as a girl at work. He then came closer to me almost in my personal bubble and said, "Who else from work have you seen at these places?...Anyone from our team?" I stated that I do not share personal information about employees outside of work in the workplace and he walked away.

In a coaching session (before I showed up dressed), he asked me why I was growing my hair out (and this is not against dress code), if I go to church, and how my mother is doing. When he said "Mom" all the red flags went up. My mom has never shown up to work and he has no reason to know my mother. I asked him if he knew my mom and he said "Yes." I asked him where he had seen or met her and he said it was at a company event two years ago. I do not remember my Mom showing up to any such event and wondered if he was confused by someone else. He seemed nervous about this and I am disturbed that he may be stalking. On company records, I have my mother's address listed because that is where I receive most mail but I live in my own apartment. The way he has acted makes me wonder if he is stalking her or something.

To top it off I found out there was a recent HR issue 2 months back where he sexually harrassed a female employee and she told me he was extremely invasive in her privacy and when I told her what happened with me she said the identical thing started with her. He is also a Jehovah's Witness and she said he was starting to ram his religion down her throat.

I am seriously thinking of taking this to HR. I hate to make a big deal but nobody has a right to be up in my business like that let alone a supervisor. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Cindy]

Rule 1.

Write it down and if you can get the witnesses to sign the appropriate bits, whenever something happens. It's a diary and it's very useful 'cos he probably isn't keeping records. And if you do and present them to HR at a disrimination meeting, it's show over for creep.

Go to HR anyway ASAP and tell them what has happened. Do not bring his religon or anything you know about his past offeneces or anything into it. Just be an employee who is concerned by inappropriate behaviour (which it is). Do mention the comments about your mother, if the only way he can access this information is by reading your confidential statements, and then talks about them, he is in breach of privacy laws. And in most countries that is a firing offence. (I'm in Australia so don't know USA laws). As a supervisor I can access my employees confidential records, if required, and I have to state why that is required. But I cannot use any information gained in any way to influence my position over that person. There is no doubt legal jargon for it .

Good luck.

These people try to intimidate because they are weak willed, socially inadequate, intolerant creeps. BTW sounds like a nice place to work otherwise

Hugs
Cindy

 

[jesse]

i agree with cindy this is unacceptable behavior but remember you have blurred the lines from personal to buisness by talking about it with your co workers. so do keep accurate records name dates and pertinant information because this dosnt sound good at all
jessica

[Britney_413]

I went in and talked to the manager who was very supportive. In the same conversation she even brought up that the company is transgender-friendly and that transitioning would not be a problem. I kept the details relevant and did not mention any rumors or irrelevant information I had heard. At first I thought she would think I was making too big a deal and have the "Complaints? Take a number" response. Instead, she came right out and said that the behavior was inappropriate at the least and suspicious at most.

While it is true that I have brought up some personal information among co-workers, a supervisor should know better than to intrude in your private conversations and business when he wasn't in the conversation in the first place. I am not an overly sensitive person and the personal questions in and of themselves would not have bothered me if they weren't said in the creepy way they were. For instance, instead of saying, "Wow! It is sure a small world out there! Just curious who you ran into at the clubs?" with a smile on his face, he said, "Um....Uh....Who from work have you been seeing at these places?...Anyone from our team?" with a serious look of concern on his face.

Anyway, the manager said that HR would take care of it and if anything else comes up to let her know. Unfortunately, Friday got worse. This boss is always interested in building the team spirit. He has a habit every day not long after everyone comes in to walk around all the cubicles one by one and shake hands with all of the employees. This time was different. As I was working, I felt a hand start rubbing my back and I abruptly turned around and he was standing there acting weird and before I could ask him what he wanted he moved on to the next cubicle. That night he continued with more personal questions wondering about my eating habits, where I went to school, the location of the school, etc. Then when I was chatting with a girl across the way about meeting up for lunch tomorrow (Saturday), he abruptly stood up from the cubicle like a jack-in-the-box and got out of it and walked over and said in a creepy tone, "Um...Is that true you two are going out to lunch tomorrow?" followed by questioning what restaurant and what time we were meeting there.

Anyway, I can't ever remember any other supervisor at any company so demanding with irrelevant personal questions and I am not to be touched by people I don't know. We'll see what happens with this. I also have a theory on something. He has been looking at me strangely with his eyes more and more every since I came to work cross-dressed and I'm thinking it tripped something with him and he may have some sexual interest in CDs/TSs or something. Either way, you don't go around staring at people in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Thanks for your responses.

[Cindy]

I'm glad HR are responding. Be careful though he sounding more and more like a stalker. Let your friends know where you are going and do tell them that this guy may be in the background. You can do that privately without bringing his personal details into it. Just say some guy from work has been making comments. He may be following me, just keep an eye out if there is someone taking more interest in me than I would want.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

[Autumn]

My initial reaction is that enough of the 'creepy but whatever' questions get answered in the beginning before people wise up, and then after he gets fired for harassing people... the stalking becomes much more serious.

[Britney_413]

I hate to be one to go overboard with allegations or take things more seriously than they are or to jump to conclusions on anybody. However, I live in a large city and I have dealt with disturbed people before. There are a lot of weirdos out there and they are not just limited to liquor stores late at night. They can be in churches, workplaces, and schools which serve as excellent hiding places for all types of crimes. I'm certainly not correct 100% of the time but in the majority of cases where I feel something is suspicious, at least some of my suspicions are eventually confirmed to be acccurate. That is why I'm taking this issue seriously before it gets out of control.

If I were to be the "detective" here this is what I have come up with (sorry this post may be long again but thanks for reading and supporting me):

A. The man has been in some type of serious trouble before at work and recently over stalking and harrassment. While I certainly cannot mention these rumors to HR as they are none of my business, such rumors at least have to be considered in my own awareness of the situation.

B. The mentioning of my mother has to be considered suspect for a number of reasons. First, he never mentioned my father or any other male family member which makes it much more likely that he is interested in her. Second, the fact that he cannot fully explain how he knows her and the fact that she doesn't know him makes it also bizarre. Third, the only passing reference to her was a company event two years ago and the fact that he could even remember something from two years ago well enough to bring it up as if it happened yesterday is scary in and of itself. Fourth, she is listed as an emergency contact on my Employee Profile at work, her address is listed for mailing purposes, and therefore quite a lot of personal information about her can be accessed by this supervisor.

C. Not to give myself too much credit but when I dressed as a girl at work, I was quite passable and attractive in general. If this man is so obsessed with girls that he stalked a recent one, this may have also tripped something with him and he may be obsessed with TGs as well. His questioning of the nightclubs I hang out could be used for a number of purposes. If he finds out who else has seen me there, he could question them to find out more information on me. He could also use the information to intimidate me against them by exposing me as a gossip on them by telling him that I saw them there. The worst case scenario is this man actually showing up to these clubs. Because it would be off company property and these clubs are open to the public, this behavior would be perfectly legal. It would open the door for more inappropriate behavior such as sexual touching. Such behavior would get him thrown out of the club and would be grounds for a restraining order but people like this may not know when to stop.

Anyway, the best case scenario is that this guy has bad social skills and would need a reprimand from higher management that if he is going to continue to be in the position he is in that he needs to treat his subordinates appropriately. That is why I don't feel bad bringing it to HR's attention because if you are in a position of management you need to be appropriately trained on how to work with people or he should be placed in another position with the company. If it does turn out to be anything worse, the creep needs to be permenately removed from the property and fired.

I don't like taking chances. There are a lot of crazy people on the news these days. Almost every day you hear of someone shooting up a place. The guy could be stressed to the core and sometimes extreme stress on people will be exposed in different ways such as what we are seeing right now with him. For all I know, the guy could be on the verge of a divorce with his wife, behind on all of his bills, about to lose his home and car, he is already in trouble at work for the prior incident, he may have virtually no money, and the combination of it all could mean that this guy is about ready to snap. I will be very aware of my surroundings. If he does get fired, he could still show up somewhere that I'm at. I own a gun but I don't have it with me 100% of the time and he could have one to. The guy could have some sick fantasy of having me chopped up in his freezer. Or again, he may just have terrible social skills. Either way, I'm not putting up with it.

Thanks again for all of your support. Britney

[Ranktwo]

Thats really, REALLY disturbing.
I hope you've come to resolve it.

[Britney_413]

Everything turned out ok with the prior situation that was the OP in this thread. This company in general, however, is full of busybodies and rather immature people and other incidents have occurred since the OP was written. For those who read my Privacy thread, I am a private person. I am a public person as well but it is all about time and place.

I continue to run into people from work when I'm out dressed as a female. I don't mind discussing it at work if people are going to be professional and want to talk about it in an intelligent manner. Instead, most people act silly. Nobody has ever been malicious but routinely call me by my female name but with a silly tone. After awhile I got tired of it and I got tired of all the silly jokes that came along with it. These people sad to say that I work with tend to have less education, lower intelligence, and a more boring social life. I can tell this because if they had something going in their lives, they wouldn't be constantly up in my business.

Every time I'm using the internet on break, reading a book at my desk when work is caught up, or filling out my taxes or anything that should be irrelevant to anyone else, they all want to know "what Britney is doing." On the same token, you will never see them doing anything themselves other than watching other people. Interestingly enough, just around the time I was really getting tired of all of the noseyness and silliness, someone else in the company had overheard gossip about "Britney and her cross-dressing" and decided to report it to management. They took my side on it and spoke to the individuals in question and ever since things have been relatively normal. People are still somewhat nosey but not so overt about it.

Since I haven't transitioned yet, people don't really need to be calling me by my girl name unless they are a friend or trusted acquaintance and they don't need to be silly about it. While none of this was malicious it wasn't exactly respectful either. Jokes and humor are good when all parties find it fun but it is not always what these people are saying but what they are not saying. When a person never has anything intelligent to say, something is wrong. Nearly a year has gone by when I first started telling people about my gender issues so you would expect that if people are still talking about it that they would actually have something intelligent to say on the subject. Most of the silly people are openly gay and I am not at all new to gay people not understanding trans issues. I won't tolerate it anymore and management said they will back me up if and when I need to be direct to these people. I will essentially say politely on certain inappropriate questions, "That is private. Please stay out of my personal affairs" or "If you don't have something nice to say about it, don't say anything."

I have zero tolerance for idiots. Sorry if it is blunt but I've read 9 books in 2009 while I was at work simply filling the time when work was slow and these people have never picked up a book in their lives unless it was in school. I don't care how people live their lives but when people constantly want to talk nonsense and can't focus for two seconds on anything remotely educational, they do not deserve my time. Not only do they not deserve my time, they deserve zero respect from me. If they want to talk transgender issues, pick up a damn book on trans topics and read it or go online and read educational articles about it. I am not the one who is going to keep explaining it to people who act like they are accepting but don't really care to learn anything.