When to say something?

[Byren]

Hello,

Just thought I'd throw this out there to get everyone's opinion.

I'm a social inept myself, and have never been in the habit of sharing my personal problems with family (or anyone, really). I always tend to be the listener instead, but never figured out how to say anything....
Well, these past couple weeks it's been a trial to keep my mouth shut sometimes, as far as coming out of the infamous closet goes. But...I don't know if it's the right time to say anything.

So here's my question... what kind of questions did your family/friends/whatevers ask you when you let the cat out of the bag?
Did you research anything in particular first to be prepared?
How'd you know it was the right time?

I wanted to start seeing a psychiatrist before I said anything to anybody, but I can't seem to get ahold of one. Nobody answers the phone when I call to make an appt, or returns my messages.... Grr.

Hope everyone's having a good one!

[K8]

Before I came out I researched the procedures (hormones, surgery, RLE, etc.) and what is meant by the various terms until I felt comfortable enough that I felt I could answer any questions that came up.

I also spent a long time coming out to myself so that I was comfortable with it.  You don't want to present this as something terrible or that something is wrong with you or you are going to do something dangerous (although it can be).  This is just something that some of us have to deal with.

I practiced a little speech as my coming-out talk.  Once I came out I let the other person steer the conversation.  Some changed the subject; some asked questions.  Some of the questions regarded where I was going with all this.  At the time I didn't know and would tell them that it was a long road and I just didn't know how far down it I want to go.

Some people got on board immediately and some had to think about it.  My daughter was immediately excited and thrilled for me.  My sister mourned her "little brother" for two weeks.  One of my best male friends, when I told him about getting surgery said I had said in the beginning that I wasn't going to become a woman.  I replied that that just showed how little I knew at the time.

In my experience, it is better to not go into details at first.  Use the word transgendered rather than transsexual – it's easier to take.  Be vague as to where all this is going.

And good luck.  Be earnest and open and honest.

- Kate

[Stella Blue]

I found there is no "right" time, because no matter when it is or what the situation is whoever you are telling is probably not going to see it coming (there are exceptions) But for me it has been a shock to almost everyone. I have come out to a decent number of friends, and my dad so far who kinda forced me into telling him. It seems each time I do it, it gets a bit easier and I know enough now to answer any questions. I also used transgender instead of transsexual. 

Just be honest with yourself and whoever you are telling. Also try to go into it without a particular reaction in mind because you can never know how someone is going to react. I never got a hostile reaction from anyone I told, but a few Deer in the headlights kind of looks lol.

Goodluckk!!! 

[sneakersjay]

I waited until I was comfortable with the idea and had seen three therapists for it. 

That way, when I got the inevitable questions, I had answers, and I could tell concerned family members I even got second and third opinions!!  LOL

But yeah, there is no one right way to do it, and no one right time.


Jay

[Byren]

Thanks for the input, all! I'm still really not sure how I'll go about it (knowing me, I'll stress, panic, and then blurt everything out in a mumble-mumble jumble that nobody could understand anyway...).

The more I think about it, the more I think that 'now' is not the right time. I like your idea, Jay, of the 'second and third opinions,' lol! I think I'll keep trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, and plan from there.

[sneakersjay]

I like your idea, Jay, of the 'second and third opinions,' lol! I think I'll keep trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, and plan from there.

I was already seeing a therapist for depression, but came to realize I was trans on my own.  I came out to her, she said she agreed (though she had no knowledge of helping transpeople) so I went from there to a gender therapist, who later told me she knew I was trans after talking to me for 5 minutes (and I really went to her with the thought of I kind of hoped she'd tell me I wasn't trans, that it was something else, because transition scared the crap out of me... what I have to tell everyone??  Tell work??? NO WAY!!!) and then ended up going to a group led by another gender therapist.  So yeah!  LOL

Now that I've transitioned It seems silly, but it did answer my parents' questions (they didn't want to believe it either, but I had confirmred proof! LOL).

Jay

[cynthialee]

I put my coming out to almost everyone somethiong like this...
"I have something I need to tell you and it could make you upset or end our friendship but please keep in mind I am happy about it. I need to know if you are going to be ok with this and if your not I need to know so I can move on." wait for the interuption which is almost always.."I don't care what it is, we are friends/family." After that I shoot from the hip. "I am transsexual and I plan on getting a sexchange." I do not use the word transition or GRS or any other word that only ->-bleeped-<-s and medical profesionals use. I use a simple phrase they can understand..'getting a sexchange'. Not 100% acurate but it is acurate enough for the uneducated. The key is to have an aura that says "I own the world and I like you." Nothing they say can shake your resolve and THEY are the wounded party. Not me. I am in a state of extasy.

Worked like a charm every time. Notice how I do ask for aproval but I couch it in a way so as to say...I do not need your aproval, and I am willing to end our friendship if you are not nice....

People are much more ok with walking away from a friendship than they are having the other party end the friendship.

[Radar]

I too also just use the term transgender instead of transsexual. I think it helps people understand that we're dealing with a gender issue here, not a sexual orientation issue. Most people don't know the difference in terms so I think it helps them some.

[K8]

I'm glad that worked for you, Cynthia.  I guess I used a gentler approach because I'm older and my friends are older.  My little speech was something like this:

"I want to tell you something about myself that I've kept hidden.  It isn't anything bad, but I've kept it secret all of my life.  I'm transgendered.  I've been wearing women's clothes since I was little.  I've never felt I was really a man." 

And I, too, had no bad reactions (other than one deer-in-the-headlights look ).  For me, I approached it not as an announcement or huge revelation or even something that might upset them but - because we were friends - that I wanted to share with them another part of myself.  I purposely made it as undramatic as possible.  I kind of blew the first one - got too nervous - but after that it kept getting easier and more natural.

- Kate