Always "stuck" considering the options

[Alexmakenoise]

I haven't posted for a while because when I started posting here, I was feeling certain that I wanted to go on T and probably have top surgery.  Then, as usual, I started to reconsider, and took some time to ponder things.

What I know for certain is what it says in my sig (male brain / female body / androgynous gender expression).  It's always been that way for me.  What I still don't know (after being alive for 30+ years) is what to do about it, exactly.

Yeah, it would be nice to have a male body and be seen as male socially so that people would treat me more like the person I am.  But I don't really want to be categorized by gender anyway . . . even though we have to live with the harsh reality that most people DO categorize others this way.

I'm also really hesitant about medication and surgery in general.  I don't like taking the risks associated with these things unless I am 100% certain that it's worth it.  And I still don't know if changing my body is "worth it" for me. 

I'm really taking my time to figure this one out, which is probably good.  But I've been "taking my time" since over 10 years ago, which was when I learned that ftm's could transition and stuff (I know it sounds obvious now, but the info just wasn't out there then).  And I could see myself taking another 10 years to figure it out.  I worry that, at some point in my 40's, I'll finally decide to transition and wish that I had done so sooner.

In the mean-time, I'm sticking with what I've been doing for the past 5 years or so: getting more confident in telling close friends and partners about my GID and doing what I can so people see me as a guy with a female body.  Making slow progress.  My confidence keeps growing because I've found that guys who've gotten to know me react as though it's obvious.  Sometimes they say something about it before I do, like, "You're not a real girl," which is a convenient way to casually broach the subject by responding with something like, "No, I'm not a girl."

I figure that as I come out to more friends about it, and hear more of a variety of responses, it will help me figure out what to do.

Can anyone relate to this?

[sneakersjay]

FWIW I started transition 2 yrs ago and I'm in my late 40s.

If you're not sure about transitioning, then don't do it.  Wait until you ARE sure.  I knew from the second I heard transition was possible that I was going for it ASAP.  I knew it was right for me, and it has been.

Everyone's path is different, and because things are permanent (surgery and some hormonal changes), that you should be very sure before doing it.  And there are some guys who are happy not taking hormones or having surgery and living as male the way they are.

Do what's right for you, not what everybody else is doing.

Jay

[dtt47]

You and I seem to be in a similar situation. For me it was a not-so-great reaction from my parents to my coming out as well as beginning treatment for depression that started me really thinking hard about what exactly it is I want. And perhaps what I want and need is not really physical and social transition but less inhibition about expressing myself. Maybe, for me, it's my attitude toward myself and my perception of my own gender and how that impacts my life that needs to change. Transition won't necessarily give me the freedom to be myself that I crave so badly, not if I again fall into the same mental traps I live in now. And there's the possibility that I personally do not need to transition in order to be free from those traps. It's also possible that I will end up doing so after all, for my own good. I'm not saying that's how it is for everyone as of course I can only speak for myself.

male brain / female body / androgynous gender expression

Nicely put.

[Alexmakenoise]

And perhaps what I want and need is not really physical and social transition but less inhibition about expressing myself. Maybe, for me, it's my attitude toward myself and my perception of my own gender and how that impacts my life that needs to change. Transition won't necessarily give me the freedom to be myself that I crave so badly, not if I again fall into the same mental traps I live in now. And there's the possibility that I personally do not need to transition in order to be free from those traps. It's also possible that I will end up doing so after all, for my own good.

I can relate to this, especially the part I highlighted.

What seems to come most naturally to me, on an instinctual level, is simply accepting myself as the creature I naturally am, and growing more comfortable expressing myself as I really am.  Ideally, I would prefer to be content to live as a man in the body nature gave me without having to bother with physical transitioning.  And as for social transitioning, what appeals to me on an idealistic level is getting people to see me as a man regardless of what my body looks like.

But I also realize that this is idealism, and everyone is affected by social rules like traditional gender categories at least to some extent.  I live in a LGBT-friendly small town where there are weekly drag shows, and I think I'd be accepted at the work place as a transexual in keeping with people's expectations (that transexuals should transition both socially and physically).  But if I dress androgynously, ask people to address me with male pronouns, and don't go through an obvious physical transition, people might just think I'm crazy, and this would affect my job security in a small town (where everyone knows everything about everyone). 

It's a matter of attempting to strike the right balance between doing what is best for me and playing just close enough to society's rules to survive.

Jay, good advice - I agree that everyone's path is different, and that there shouldn't be any rush to do anything.  It's always comforting to hear it from someone else.  I know that people here are really accepting, but I do feel like something of a rarity as someone who has always been certain about their gender identity and yet has always been uncertain about transitioning.

[Radar]

You shouldn't do something you don't want to and you control your transition. However, don't get confused between whether you want to do anything or not and being frozen by fear.

For so long I thought there was no hope until I learned that transitioning can give me what I need. Then after that I was frozen with fear on actually doing anything about it. That fear kept me in hell for a long, long time. Over time it got no better and just made life worse- eating at my soul. There came a point where I could not longer go on like I am and must transition.

I've started transition later in life than many guys and wish I had started much sooner. But I let my fear paralyze me for a long time which just brought more pain. So, for me, I had to differentiate between any uncertainty and just plain fear of change.

[Vancha]

Forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems that you have a desire to be perceived as male and play a male role in society, and yet are blocked by your ideals and your opinions of how society should be.  I feel that way sometimes, as well, but there is no changing the way society is.  My advice is not to get caught up in what could be, and merely find a way to be happy in what is.  I think it is best to think simply, sometimes, as well.  Are you happy with your body, as is?  Do you feel happy with the role you play, and your gender identity?  Do you feel that you are expressing yourself authentically? 

Oddly enough, whenever I've doubted whether or not I should transition, it fell on deeper insecurities, rather than what a lot of people expect - that wanting to transition is due to these insecurities.  It's always easier to stay in your little hole, and making yourself vulnerable to the world's criticism isn't easy in the slightest.  Nothing is easy, but ideals aside, what is best for you, right now?

[Nygeel]

I've been on the same boat for awhile. My gender identity is more androgynous than male/man. I've been seriously considered hormones for a few years and I absolutely hate being unsure. I have my days where I think "I want/need my body to be male" and other days when I don't look at myself at all, and I'm comfortable in my own skin.

For myself I've decided to just dive into it. I have more bad days than good, and although this might harm me I won't know for sure what fits for me until I do something.

[Lachlann]

For myself I've decided to just dive into it. I have more bad days than good, and although this might harm me I won't know for sure what fits for me until I do something.

And when you're in a situation where nothing else has worked, it's the best shot you've got and not necessarily a bad one.

[Nygeel]

And when you're in a situation where nothing else has worked, it's the best shot you've got and not necessarily a bad one.

Eh, it could end up being a bad one...

[Lachlann]

Eh, it could end up being a bad one...

Even then, no one can say you didn't try to solve things.

[Nygeel]

Even then, no one can say you didn't try to solve things.

Yes.