I want to look like a girl but not be a girl

[JillEclipse]

Okay I just realized I am a narcissist. I am the closet type, which means I strive to be perfect, but most of the time I am usually depressed and think everyone is better than I am and Im ugly.

Here is what I look like


I noticed that I look prettier in rooms with more light. You could call me an inverse vampire I guess. I'm always trying to stay in the light. The photo you see was not photoshopped at all but the lighting was really good. In real life I do not always look that good, especially with weird lighting. Which is why I wish to have plastic surgery so I do not have to rely on makeup so much. More on that in a moment.

The picture quality is not that great. I just bought a better camera but my parents have been home recently so I haven't got a chance to wear my makeup. Last time they caught me wearing makeup they threatened me and said they would take me to a mental institution.

I talked to my psychologist and she doesn't understand. She sided with my parents. When I told her I was transgender she did not want to hear it and kept interupting me whenever I spoke. She said I was "on the edge of insanity" and i was about to fall of the edge. Her face had a very serious and disturbing expression. I told her that in middle school I had a crush on a few guys there. She told me I was lying, she said she knew this because I said some homophobic things in the past. (true, but gay guys make gay jokes all the time. just because im gay doesnt mean i automatically have to like every guy I see. I have taste too! i knew a gay guy who "quote" said he wanted to deck in the face several other gay guys at the school. he could not stand being around them and they were anoying as hell. Eminem is extremely homophobic but he gave Elton John a hug.) Anyway what was even more disturbing than this is that "quote" my physcologist said these words "gays don't wear makeup." Yeah. That is like the dumbest thing I have ever heard. LOTS OF GAY GUYS WEAR MAKEUP! Anyway im not gay just bi-curious.

Beauty is very important to me. I used to be obsessed with being intelligient, but I realized I am not capable of complex mathematics and due to severe loneliness, virginity, lack of ever having a relationship, almost no friends and just depression and visions of my inevitable demise (even if i could live forever I could not outlive the SUN!) and possibly apocoylptc future, is reducing my mental faculty (aka we're all going 2 die so why even try), i often forget things after 1 or 2 minutes and i have trouble remembering more than 5 things. my spelling is getting worse and worse. My life force energy is so low I find it difficult to even do simple tasks like STAND. So I need to improve my self image. and that starts with being beautiful!

btw I am 19 years old.

I definitely need to get rid of facial hair! How do you ->-bleeped-<-s get so much money for plastic surgery and things like that? I've tried Waxing (which left tons of big red gashes which took weeks to heal and still left alot of hair so I'll never do it again.) I've tried Nair, Surgi cream and some other brand of cream and put it on my upper lip for 20 minutes! DID NOT GET RID OF ANY HAIR WHATSOEVER! (and the label says it is dangerous to exceed 8 minutes!) Heck Nair didn't even burn! (I used Nair for face, Nair for body I haven't tried yet but apparently its a bitch and you aren't supposed to use it on your face. Surgi and the other creams did burn a little but had no effect either.) I shave very well, have great technique, BUT MY SKIN LOOKS EXTREMELY GRAYISH BLUE (NO, ITS NOT STUBBLE! ITS ACTUALLY UNDERNEATH MY SKIN!!! ITS LIKE I HAVE HUMONGOUS HAIR FOLLICLES OR SOMETHING.) Even if shaved 100% the best shave in the world, I WOULD STILL HAVE THIS GRAY BLUE SKIN! So I need electrolosis. BUT WHERE DO I GET THE MONEY???

I want my face to be feminine. I want plastic surgery. I want female hormones. BUT I DO NOT WANT BOOBS OR A SMALL PENIS??? WHAT DO I DO? Are there any female hormones that do not give boobs and a small penis??? Anyway after some simple photoshopping, I think the only plastic surgery i'd need is jaw reduction. But here's the thing, I consider my jaw to be fairly resilent right now. Would plastic surgery permanently give me a "glass jaw"? If I ever got in a fight I'd want to have a masculine jaw. I know it sounds sexist, sorry. Anyway yeah. About the female hormones, what if I just took something that BLOCKED my male hormones. The effect would be similar to taking female hormones, except I wouldn't grow boobs and my penis wouldn't shrink. Also, hormones are kind of expensive. Isn't there just like a herb I can grow in my garden?

I am kind of chubby, I should lose weight. But I am afraid it will make my face more bony and masculine. Also, what about stretch marks? Also, what type of workouts should I do, so my face doesn't end up looking like a ->-bleeped-<-ing Marine?

Also, this is somewhat irrelevent, but I have an average sized (6") penis. I don't think that is enough these days, girls are only concerned with bigger and better, aka the jock guy with the mercedes and mansion with a jacoozi, aka 009 and a half. So...I think its ONLY FAIR! for me, a man of virtually no monetary accumulation or wealth or social skills, to at least have something to give me at least a fair shot. So online I clicked these bigger penis ads. The most promising I've seen are Force Max and X-tend. But these also give you bigger muscles all over your body,  would what it will it do to my face? Would it make me look like a Marine?

Also, this is even more irrelevent. Why do anabolic steroids shrink your penis? Most steroid's active ingredient is testosterone, which supposedly gives you a bigger penis. Why do steroids shrink your penis but make your face more manly? Maybe that explains why girls like guys with feminine faces? But those guys generally have average sized penises, due to them having lower levels of testosterone. If there's something like steroids, which gives you a smaller penis and more manly face, Maybe there's something that does the opposite, giving you a bigger penis and less manly face? None of this makes sense...

Edit by K8: language

[marian]

Hi JillEclipse

Interesting piece of post you wrote. lot's of questions!

I can give a few answers based upon my own experience with the time I have right now. '

Your body need hormones, you can't function otherwise. That's why replace T with E, or E with T: HRT.  I can relate to all the confusion, I had that too from the start. I was kinda like a fence sitter, until I realized I was kidding myself. Doesn't happen to be for everyone, it was for me. Not sure where you read that E gives you a small penis, it haven't shrunk one bit for me. Yes it can be less in erection, but it's not shrinking as far as I experienced. (as you can see with most ->-bleeped-<-s too) Hm, yes E grows boobs, so there not really a way to get this but not that, it's a one way ticket so to speak. Also interesting to read that you think that 6" penis doesn't cut it for the ladies, oh girl, that is simply not true. I thought the same when I was a guy back in the day, but while transitioning, this really doesn't matter. I now know what natural females know, I think like them, act like them, and understand that size doesn't say anything. An inch more or less doesn't matter at all. In fact bigger probably hurts more than it does good.

Well, I hope you can do something with these answers, if not feel free to quiz me again 

[Anisha]

Listen sweetie,
                    First of all You must be proud of yourself. Just keep loving yourself.Keep saying that you are the princess of the world.And i promise me you are looking very beautiful and even more than an average girl .Just address yourself as "Come on Jilleclipse you are a Diva"Just love yourself .
                    Beauty is just not physical beauty .Try making you smile beautiful and make yourself full of energy just like you see young actresses in movies . Also learn feminine things like shape your nails, take hours during bath ,learn catwalk ,try to sing very feminine songs and dance in a seducive manner like girls , Do courses of make up and hairs and fashion designing,read fashion magazines.This will make you a very beautiful girl .And the most of important thing in beauty is smile,love and friendship.
                     Hormones is very dangerous.If u use hormones u will become infertile.Just dont think that hormones exist until you are convinced that you want to be a girl permanently.Try to learn and master the art of make up.Don t feel shy and you can go and buy your own make up and clothes just dont feel ashamed of yourself. Just concentrate on your studies and when you will get a big job forget electrolysis you can get hair laser removed on you entire body just like actresses. Concentrante on studies and fashion and love yourself.
                      Just keep me informed about it and tell me if you have any more problem..
Your own,
Anisha

And I really like your eyebrow.How did you get that?

[Carlita]

Hi JillEclipse!

Two things to say ..

1. You are really pretty
2. Your shrink is a moron. Now, maybe she said one thing and you heard another: that's possible. Maybe you've taken a couple of remarks out of context and fixated on them: we've all done that. BUT ... any theraptist/psychologist/psychaitrist who makes the kind of judgmental remarks that she has done is astonishingly incompetent, as well as rude and prejudiced. An appropriate response would be to take your emotions and experiences seriously and explore with you what they really signify. That way you can together reach the first, vital stage of your journey, which is to understand where you are starting from. I fear you are suffering for your youth ... I had exactly the same experiences when I was your age, being told that the things I felt were not real or appropriate or valid and basically told to go away and come up with something better. But here I am, decades later, and my feelings are still the same. I've just wasted many years of unhappiness suppressing them.

I don't know where you are, but in the UK, where I live, you would have the rights of an adult because you are over 18. That would include the right to a second opinion. And it would certainly include the right to be heard sympathetically by a professional with appropriate experience in gender issues. Do not be afraid to demand that people take you seriously. You deserve it, you need it, and you will not get the help you need without it

[Miniar]

Couple of facts

5" penis is average, not 6"
A woman's vagina is on average, 5-6" deep.
The clitoris is the key to a world-rockin' orgasm, and it's external.
When a guy becomes significantly longer than the woman's vagina can accommodate, there's little to no contact with the clitoris, which results in the woman not being able to reach orgasm without some extra help.
A lot of girls are a little sensitive, tender even, at the top of their vagina, and to them, anything over 6" long is just painful.

The obsession with "size" is just silly... (says the transman who's obsessing over his own)

[lilacwoman]

Golly!  that 'psychologist' is out of the dark ages...
you need to find one working in the 21st century who will let you be happy to be what you really are...but as you're a virgin you're not gay!   You're mixed up, in-denial or whatever and the sooner you get sorted the better you will be.   Lots of transwome have crushes on guys before we ever admitted to being trans but that doesn't make us gay...
and stop calling us ->-bleeped-<-s!

[Eva Marie]

I can give you an answer about the steroids since i uhhhhh...... heard  all about them back in my weight lifting days.

The body tries to maintain balance in all things. When you introduce steriods you cause your T levels to go up, which is what you want. Because the body is running over with T, the normal T factories essentially shut down (your balls shrink). In addition to this, the body eventually jacks up estrogen production to counteract the T. This is why bio-males who experiment with steroids get "bitch tits", or gyno. There are some things you can take to counteract this effect though.

Now, steroids (and steroid precursors) are illegal, you do not want to be caught with any. The penalties are quite stiff. And prolonged use of illegal steroids is very unhealthy.

You are about average size. Learn how to use what you have effectively instead of trying those "get larger" drugs. You don't know what is in them, or what the long term risks are.

[JillEclipse]

I've just been brainwashed to think that you need a 7 or 9 inch penis. Rap music, middle school, high school and the media have brainwashed me on this.

Yes my physcologist makes me feel awful. The ironic thing is that she is an agnostic and says she "hates conservatives", yet acts like one. It really saddens me, when I'm around her I feel like I'm in a Nazi concentration camp. But she is the only physcologist availiable, all the other ones aren't covered in the health insurance plan. But yeah, what she said were actual quotes. She made me feel like being gay and transsexual was "wrong" and that I shouldn't be gay. She was going on and on about how the fact i wanted to be a girl was a sign of severe insanity. she said "where your going your going to fall of the edge" she was talking in a very stern tone, had that serious look on her face. She would constantly interrupt me whenever I spoke.

lol I'm not gay I'm bi-curious. but she still made me feel awful.

lol, i didn't mean to offend anyone by saying "->-bleeped-<-", it just saves a few keystrokes (transsexual is 5 charachters longer lol.)

also, what kind of exercises do you guys do? cuz when I watch the olympics all the girls look manly, especially their faces. Is there any workout that will actually make my face look more feminine?

oh ya and is there like a herb that will reduce my testosterone levels?

Edit by K8: language

[Lyric]

Wow! You've got a lot going on here. Let's see now...

"Beauty is very important to me."
You're lucky. You are beautiful. I don't say that if it's not true. Next...

"She said I was 'on the edge of insanity' and I was about to fall of the edge."
I've had a long association with psychology profession and I can safely say that no reputable psychotherapist would ever say that to a client. I suggest that you try to get in touch with some transgendered people in your area and ask for a referral to a good TG-friendly therapist.

"SMALL PENIS"
This is actually a very normal concern for persons of your age. It's really nothing to worry about. I've known big guys who couldn't get dates and little fellows who who scored all the time. A famous quote from actor Spencer Tracy on penises: "I can't worry about something of which a chimpanzee is my equal and a jackass is my superior".

You're 16. For most people this is the most stressful period of their lives. It was for me. I wouldn't do it again for a million dollars. Things will get better. Loosen up and try to relax.

Lyric

[JillEclipse]

Thanks! oh btw I'm 19 (looking at the screen upside down are we?)

oh and she is the only physcologist we can afford, all the other ones are too expensive. actually she is free due to the insurance policy, there are no other availiable therapists.

oh and that is how my eyebrows just are

[Carlita]

... my physcologist makes me feel awful. The ironic thing is that she is an agnostic and says she "hates conservatives", yet acts like one. It really saddens me, when I'm around her I feel like I'm in a Nazi concentration camp. But she is the only physcologist availiable, all the other ones aren't covered in the health insurance plan. But yeah, what she said were actual quotes. She made me feel like being gay and transsexual was "wrong" and that I shouldn't be gay. She was going on and on about how the fact i wanted to be a girl was a sign of severe insanity. she said "where your going your going to fall of the edge" she was talking in a very stern tone, had that serious look on her face. She would constantly interrupt me whenever I spoke.

Given all that, I honestly think you would be better off without her. A good, understanding, insightful, non-judgmental therapist is a wonderful help in everything we all go through ... But a woman like that is going to do you much more harm than good. You'll get much, much better advice from the girls on a site like this - even if it is amateur and (mostly) unqualified - than you ever will from someone whose starting points are ignorance, fear and bigotry. I'm amazed she ever got a license ... IF she got a license ...

[lilacwoman]

[She was going on and on about how the fact i wanted to be a girl was a sign of severe insanity. she said "where your going your going to fall of the edge" she was talking in a very stern tone, had that serious look on her face. (transsexual is 5 charachters longer lol.)
[/quote]

transsexualism is actually listed as mendatl illness in the DSM...so your shrink was parroting the line and too bigotted to use her eyes...lots of em about...the head of the UK's bigeest gender clinic is on record as agreeing with the DSM...but in France it is now illegal for a medic of any type to tell a person they are mental cos they are TS/want to change sex etc.

If that really is rpix and your shrink can't see you're a girl she is the crazy one

[Carlita]

transsexualism is actually listed as mendatl illness in the DSM...so your shrink was parroting the line and too bigotted to use her eyes...

To be specific it's listed as a 'disorder', which isn't quite the same thing ... BUT ... in the forthcoming DSM-V the term Gender Identity Disorder is going to be replaced by Gender Incongruence, specifically to get rid of any stigma attached to the desire to transition from one physical sex to another. Here's what it says ...

'It is proposed that the name gender identity disorder (GID) be replaced by "Gender Incongruence" (GI) because the latter is a descriptive term that better reflects the core of the problem: an incongruence between, on the one hand, what identity one experiences and/or expresses and, on the other hand, how one is expected to live based on one's assigned gender (usually at birth) (Meyer-Bahlburg, 2009a; Winters, 2005). In a recent survey that we conducted among consumer organizations for transgendered people (Vance et al., in press), many very clearly indicated their rejection of the GID term because, in their view, it contributes to the stigmatization of their condition.'

That being the case, a mental health professional who uses the kind of language described in this thread is way out of line with her profession's accepted practice ... quite apart from being a bigoted bitch.