I'm a partner of an ftm and an concerned about their severe depression.

[FTM mate.]

First of all i hope this isnt a completely inappropriate place to post this...but here it goes..

I have been with my ftm partner for around a year now and over that time I have fallen completely inlove with him and everything about him, and I know he loves me the same amount back. The only problem is that he seems to suffer from severe depression and manic episodes that sprout mostly from him telling himself he isn't a real man, that he'll never be my man, and that he wouldn't be this emotional if he was a "real" man .. and other related thoughts. When he gets into these moods, I feel like i'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, he doesn't want to talk to me, he becomes completely self absorbed, he doesn't want to be touched, everything i say to him he gives me a response of "whatever", "k" or "i dont know". He yells at me, and becomes irritated with things that I do that wouldnt normally irritate him. I find myself alone crying, not knowing if its my fault or his, which makes him even more upset that he made me upset.
I was always aware of trans- people, I've been in a relationship with a trans person though, and I just don't know what to say to him to convince him that he is my man, that he really IS a man, or if i have to let him truly become comfortable with that fact himself.

aaaahhhh.       

[Osiris]

Well you have to realize that his feelings are coming from himself, not you. You're doing what you can by supporting him and seeing him as the man he is.

Is he not on hormone therapy yet? Is he seeing a therapist? Is there any forward progress going on in his transition? Sometimes stalling out can cause moments of self loathing (I know I've just been through one). It's difficult to see how someone cares for you and sees you how you want to be seen if you can't see it looking back in the mirror.

Like I said you're doing the best you can in supporting him, but remember that you can't fix his self image or make him see all the things you love about him if he can't love himself.

Hang in there and btw welcome to Susan's.

[Janet_Girl]

We have all had those same thoughts and actions/reactions.  The best advise I can tell you is to let him know that he is not alone in this thing we all have.  He does have you and the more you love and support him, the less he will feel it is a lie.

Maybe you might mention our little world here and he might come and seek out others that have been there.

Oh and welcome to our world.  I would give you my canned welcome, but you are seeking help right now.


Hugs,
Janet

[Nicky]

Hi there,

I really feel for you the position you are in. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I also live with a partner that suffers from depression (as do I). It is hard, I think there is no shame in admiting that it is hard. I don't think there is any shame in admiting that it is too hard. If my partner had not gotten it under control through therapy and medication I doubt we would have lasted long at all.

The thing about mental illness is it is not rational. There may be nothing you can say. It is not your fault. You could say it is not your partners fault either. They don't want to be that way. But when they are that way they can't remember being any other way. When they are good, they can't remember what it is like to be so low.

If you feel abused it is not a healthy relationship. Encourage them to seek help, I encourage you to find a counsellor to talk to about this.

It sounds like you need support. You are not going to be able to 'fix' your partner alone. We probably don't have the skills to do that anyway. Sometimes you have to think about whether it is actually your job to fix them anyway. So unless your partner accepts there is a problem and is willing to find help I think you should ask yourself whether the relationship is worth the abuse.

Nobody deserves abuse. Mental illness or not, you don't deserve it.

I wish you all the best. It is bloody hard being with a partner with mental illness. You may very well end up depressed yourself. My advise, do what you need to look after your own wellbeing first. Otherwise you could end up being dragged down too.

Some simple strategies for you,
- find someone you can talk to and confide in
- when he is in a bad way and incomunicado, leave him to it. Go out, go for a walk, visit friends, see a movie. Just get out of there. For me this was the best thing I could do, saved me from going insane.
- be a good listener when they talk about their issues, but don't try to solve them. Sometimes listening is all you need to do.


All the best, I hope things work out for you.

[Silver]

Is he seeing a therapist? If he continues like this, maybe you should just try to find somebody else.

Trans or not, you do not treat people you care about this badly.

[Teknoir]

Is he in transition right now? I concur with others - lack of progress can get one down.

If there is progress and he's still doing that, then there may be an issue with depression that'll he'll need professional help for.

Either way, don't try to "fix" the problem yourself - you'll end get getting drawn in and emotionally manipulated (regardless of if he means to or not, and even if he thinks he's trying specifically not to).

Treat him like any other man. If being supportive and listening doesn't work, then kick his arse until he agrees to talk to a professional. That doesn't work, then just avoid him when he's like that for your own sanity.

Always remember - it's him that has to take responsibility for his own mental health, life, transition, and social conduct. You can guide him to the resources, but you can't make him change. The change has to come from within himself, and he has to be the one to do it.

[kyril]

(1) His moods are not your fault and you aren't responsible for fixing them. If you are feeling emotionally abused or even just overwhelmed, get out of the situation. Don't be afraid to simply walk away.

(2) If he's not seeing a therapist, he probably should. I say this as someone who hates therapists and whose physical transition is likely to be severely delayed because I can't bring myself to meet with a therapist. But I'm not having self-destructive, explosive emotional episodes where I victimise my partner.

(3) Female hormones seriously mess with our brains. The symptoms you describe (emotional volatitity, unusual irritability, etc) sound like a case of PMS/PMDD, but in his case they're interpreted through a male brain, which can cause extra distress. Lots of transmen have similar issues, just not severe enough to seriously concern anyone but ourselves. And the disturbances are not just limited to the monthly cycles either - even mild circadian fluctuations in hormone levels can bother us. Using hormonal birth control can make things worse.

Some transmen's hormone-brain incompatibility problems are resolved after some time on T, while others don't feel normal until they get a hysto. But just being aware of the source of the problems helps me stay calm - I might accidentally snap at my partner when he does something irritating, but then I recognize that I'm being stupid and make fun of myself for it. Just a little introspection can help. But that's not something that can be imposed from outside.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Stick with him. When he's ready he will come to terms with stuff and realize how you were there for him. If it's too much for you, maybe you need to come to him and ask him to seek help for himself.

Having been the moody transman in the relationship before...I can see things from his point of view, but also yours. My ex eventually broke up with me and I don't blame her. I was anxious, moody, unstable, not a good influence to her 3 yr old. It took being on my own to figure my stuff out and be a happier person, the person I am now.