Telling Your Family

[andream]

I've read a few threads where people have mentioned being disowned by family members following the revelation that they are trans.

I have been on HRT for a year, and still live in male mode. I plan to start going part time soon, and full time in 2011.

My partner knows, and she is supportive, although this isn't something she wants.

I myself haven't told my family yet, as in my parents, grandparents, and teenage sisters. I live in Australia, and they live a 3 hour flight away in New Zealand, so it's not really a queestion of them seeing any unusual changes on a daily basis. I haven't seen them in a year.

I fear I'm going to get to the point where it's going to be impossible for me to see them face-to-face without it being obvious that something is up. I still can attribute my changes to weight loss, but I plan on having some forehead and nose work in Mar 2011, and I think this will send my appearance into another realm lol. I don't want to tell my parents over the phone or in a letter - I feel it has to be face-to-face. I have a good relationship with my family, and I just don't want to jeopardize that. But the more I procrastinate about telling them, the more likely it will be they will feel betrayed, I think.

My question is, how did your family react to the fact that you are trans, and that you transitioned / intend to transition. Did you tell your family after you had changed via hrt, surgery, or what not, or did you tell them before you did anything? In this question, by family I don't mean spouse or partner, I mean parents, siblings etc.  Another question would be, have you always been close to your family?

[andream]

My folks are also in NZ (as am I), though they live in rural Hawkes Bay and I'm in Wellington.
I didn't tell them face-to-face because I was 100% certain their reaction would be extremely hostile; so instead I used the phone.
Turns out I was correct - and now my father has threatened to assault me if I don't stay out of their lives completely.
I wasn't hugely close; I'd usually talk to them every other month, though sometimes I could go 6 months without talking to them. I hadn't been home for xmas since 2002 (transitioned in 2007) but I had seen them in person a few times between 02 and 07.
Since I went full time the day after I told them, there wasn't any point in talking to them about HRT, etc.
My older sister, however, was totally awesome about it and we're closer than we've ever been. The rest of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) are tolerant but not fully accepting yet (problems with names and pronouns).

That is really tragic, and I am very sorry to hear that. That kind of narrow-mindedness is ultimately self-limiting; your father is sacrificing the opportunity to know the real you, the happy you, in order to satisfy his own bigotry. My dad isn't like that; he is a quiet man, who shows only disappointment through silence and hiding in the dark in his bedroom when confronted by something he finds disagreeable, especially when it comes to his family. I've disappointed him many times in the past - especially in my late teens, early twenties, and I really am afraid to do it again (I am not ashamed to be trans, but the fact is that my parents would still be disappointed. I asked mum once how she would react if I told her I was gay, and she said she would disappointed, but she would still love me. I hope the same can hold true with me telling her I am a woman!).

As for Wellington, well it's been many years since I was there. I lived at Weir House during 1st year uni. I always used to go to Espressoholic with my more bohemian friends, and the Ballroom to play pool, which I suck at. One set of my friends - the hardcore rugby playing islanders - also liked to go to Vivian Street to laugh at trans working girls. They all knew something was up with me and called me poof all the time in jest, but they still hung out with me for some reason. I always thought they secretly wanted to be with trans women, or that they wanted to be trans women, since they were so obsessed with that street.

Gosh, it's a workday and I have spent half the time on Susans. Not very productive of me...

Andrea

[TreeFlower]

lol I never told my parents.  I just got more & more feminine.  Eventually I showed up wearing a dress.  They never said anything and neither did I.   Eight years after going full time and five years after SRS.  We still haven't talked about it.  They still refer to me as he and use my old name.  It pisses me off and amuses me at the same time.  Whatever, I'm just waiting for my inheritance.

[Smith]

wow, unbelievable, you showed up wearing a dress to them and your parents never said anything??? 

lol I never told my parents.  I just got more & more feminine.  Eventually I showed up wearing a dress.  They never said anything and neither did I.   Eight years after going full time and five years after SRS.  We still haven't talked about it.  They still refer to me as he and use my old name.  It pisses me off and amuses me at the same time.  Whatever, I'm just waiting for my inheritance.

[aydan_boy]

lol I never told my parents.  I just got more & more feminine.  Eventually I showed up wearing a dress.  They never said anything and neither did I.   Eight years after going full time and five years after SRS.  We still haven't talked about it.  They still refer to me as he and use my old name.  It pisses me off and amuses me at the same time.  Whatever, I'm just waiting for my inheritance.

Lol. I wish my family was as good about it as yours. Never? Ever? Awesome.

I'm not exactly out to ALL of my family, buy my lil bro and my mum AND my uncle know. My mums kinda freaked out, and refuses to think about it, she calls it a phase or tells me im lying, my uncle kinda figured it out on his own, and seems suprisingly happy about it, which i find just a tad strange, and my lil brother, though he doesn't really understand it (being under 10 yrs old) but he still loves me, even though he does call me a freak. But he also calls me a he when hes in a good mood. So other than my mother, no one responded all that badly. Can't wait to tell my cousins why i look/act the way i do. NOT. Homo/trans/lgbt phobic are the lot of them.

[Rock_chick]

I'll tell you this time next month. I've just drafted the letter I'm going to send to my mum and dad, I'm just waiting until after my dad's 60th birthday before sending it. I feel that I may have a couple of very nervous days once I've posted it. As for being close to my parents, I'm actually fairly distant, I rarely see them or speak to them to be honest.

[TreeFlower]

    Buy the books "True Selves" and "Transforming Families" or something similar and give them to your family after you come out.  Should answer some questions and distracts them while they get over the shock.  I let my kids read them.  The youngest was in his teens.

    I didn't give them to my parents.  Why ruin the joke?  My shrink laughs every time he thinks of my parents.  Says its the worst case of denial he's ever seen.

[yabby]

my mother know there is something about me, but we don't talk about it.

if i come out i will probably do it after i hit a point of no return (probably surgery).

I already had my mother in public loudly call me names like: ->-bleeped-<-ot, poofter...

Of course she did not forget many times to tell me how disgusting i am...etc.

My father is dead now, but when growing up i got used to him screaming in total anger at me asking i behave like a man. lost count of the number of time he will say: i raised you like a MAN, not a deviant...etc.

Can i blame stranger for insulting me or calling me names when this is what my own family does? no i can not.

was i close to them? no, i kept interaction and contact with them to a minimum. 

[Little Dragon]

I haven't told my parents or brother yet and I know one day I'd have to (in UK, I don't think doctors will prescribe hormones to me until im living 100% woman, which I assume means I gotta be out to everyone); I think my mum will be okay with it, she says shes always wanted a daughter though she does have a subtle streak of homophobia in her.. My dad and brother will probably dislike the news, however my dad's one of them two-faced people where he will be super nice to people he dislikes then bad-mouth them when they aren't around..

I can only see my mum liking this news.. My boyfriend is perfectly happy with me being transexual, and he is all I need

My partner knows, and she is supportive, although this isn't something she wants.

This may be problematic in the long-run If it came down to it, would you live a lie for her and deny yourself or be yourself?

I've just drafted the letter I'm going to send to my mum and dad, I'm just waiting until after my dad's 60th birthday before sending it.

Lol, planning a tactical assassination? XD

[Rock_chick]

something like that...hopefully they won't see it as such though.