The brain 'switch' won't click.

[DamagedChris]

I'm writing this in the wee hours of the morning because I can't sleep. Why? Because I'm having the same issue I have been having the last couple days/nights...namely, my brain keeps rooting me in 'girl-land".

I'm perfectly happy with my life as a guy. I just started a new job as Chris, I've gone on a couple dates in guymode, and am an average guy all the time. The issue is that my brain still occasionally uses my pre-T voice when I'm thinking about myself, I (in my head) occasionally use the wrong pronouns or expect to hear female pronouns when people are addressing me...and things like this make me worry. A lot.

This is also bringing up other insecurities about myself and making me doubt a lot...namely the fact that as I was socialized as a female and was so adamant about fitting in, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing in a social setting now. I actually have no idea how to make friends or ask a girl out or anything as a guy without just emulating tv, and that feels fake. I'm also more insecure about my height than I've ever been. I've always been socially awkward, but it seems to be multiplied by ten lately. Not to mention I have no godly idea where I'm going to get the money for surgery and I almost feel like my social life is on hold until I get top surgery as I'm constantly worried about the evil twins popping up or out.

This could also be because I'm down on a low dose of T for the last few weeks (due to money woes I couldn't get my script filled) and the evil estrogen has been creeping back up, coupled with the fact that I usually get depressed in the winter. Has anyone else had this issue though, that their brain is slow to adjust, or the stubborn girl just won't die?

[Myself]

Coming from another planet, I have similar worries the other way around.
I worry that I know nothing, I am like a baby in the adults playgrounds. I respond to both pronouns, as I know some people are used to old stuff or don't know and others only know me as me.

In Hebrew almost every word has gender attached to it and I am too used to force myself (something from young age, I made myself hate using female pronouns on myself or in my words that come from "me" - like "I am walking" walking has gender to it in hebrew) and so my brains automatically uses them when I think, sucks.

But when reading what you say I first thought "well, most guys don't know how to approach a girl or how to act with others.. they just do and figure out things. So yeah others might have more experience than you, but just go ahead, screw up like every other guy ever did and you'll get there.

[Nero]

Well as much as we may have been male or lived a permissible life or childhood or whatever, as masculine as we may have been, even if we primarily hung around guys, etc - we were still socialized from birth to be something we were not. We now have to fill the gaps in that socialization. Take it easy on yourself.

Remember that if you are passing, people are not expecting you to mess up. You look like a guy - they are assuming you have had all the upbringing of any other guy. People a lot of times ignore things they don't expect to see. And see what they're expecting to see. So, you've got a bit of a cushion there. Think of other times you had to just completely wing something. Don't think about it or analyze it. Just be. Just do.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

How tall are you? My drag dad who is FTM is 5ft tall. He passes. I'm 5'9" thankfully and alot of cismales I see everynight at the gay bar are shorter than me by a good deal. So don't feel bad. Not all guys are 6ft tall.

I can't relate to the female voice in the head thing cause one of the indications that I was trans to me...was the male voice in my head.

I didn't know how to fit in either socially. I never even fit in socially as a female. Now I don't worry about it. I just...socialize. Guys are a little less out there typically with what they say, but I don't adapt to that. I say what's on my mind, I'm eccentric, crazy, I get read as both a gay  male and a straight male. It doesn't bother me. I don't worry about what's right anymore...I'm just me.

[DamagedChris]

The female voice in my head thing actually just started. Before it was male. It could be just the things that have been on my mind...dealing with a lot of past crap that, when remembering, I was in girl mode for. Or could just be that my voice is deepening and "girl head voice" is really my voice as it was a few weeks ago vs now. Or hell, my own insecurities about whether or not I can pull off the male social life, as I pulled away from being social for so long now that I want to have a social life I feel dumb and slow.

I also almost feel like I can't have a proper life until after top surgery so I stop worrying about the chesticles so much.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I feel ya there. I can't wear beaters, can't wear alot of shirts, have to try them on first to make sure they don't point out that I'm binding...it's alot of BS to go through in our daily lives that no one sees or can really relate to, except us.

[Silver]

It's certainly a habit to refer to myself as female, but I have to say that once I accepted that I am not forced to be female and in fact, could be male (at least mentally) I feel a lot more comfortable with myself. Mentally I refer to myself as a male. Sometimes I get a little surprised even when someone snaps me out of my own world referring to me as a female.

My mental voice isn't really a voice, more like text my mind creates and reads to itself and then deletes (that seems like too much effort). If there is a voice, it's probably like my voice. It sounds deep to me and I'll read that as male.

RLE, that's when we'll really see how well I fare. Whether you all like it or not, I'll probably keep you updated. I'll probably screw up a lot,  but then I screw up a lot as a female too. Really, I'll just make a fool of myself until someday I have it "right." I'm a bit of a social failure anyway.

[JonasCarminis]

occasionally i still mess up pronouns when referring to myself in my head.

when i talk in my head the voice is sometimes female and sometimes male.  its not hard for me to use a different voice to talk to myself with though.  i can change the voices like different voice options on text-to-speech.

[Jamie-o]

Yeah, I still hear my thoughts in my old voice.  I also find myself expecting female pronouns and referring to myself as female in my head, which is odd because up until a few years ago I always had to remind myself that the rest of the world saw me as female.  I finally adjust to being the wrong gender, and then decide to transition.    I also feel your pain about the chesticles.  I haven't figured out how I'm going to get mine removed either.  I'm looking at getting a second job, and selling stuff like crazy. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, after years of living female, it's only natural that there would be some adjustment to be made now that you're living male.