I popped my head back in here at Susan's a couple days ago, but I realized that a more complete re-introduction was probably in order... This a modified version of something I just wrote to another member here... enjoy, and feel free to shoot me a pvt message, particularly if you are near the Toledo or Columbus areas....
I wish I could say that I'm one of those people who knew from age 5 that I was supposed to be a girl, but my life wasn't so simple. About age 8 or 9, I started getting mistaken for a girl quite a bit, because I had soft features and longish hair. This bugged the hell out of my parents, but secretly I kinda liked it. I also secretly liked it when my Mom had me dress up as a girl and lip-sync "It's My Party" at a talent show when I was 10...
I was a very emotional, senstive kid who my traditionally macho father couldn't relate to. Even when I took an interest in some traditionally male thing like football (which I still love.. I even write a fairly popular NFL blog), I would intellectualize it in a way that my father found off putting. When puberty hit, I was interested in girls, but looking back I can also see that I was also fascinated by them. I started stealing my mom's and sisters clothes when I was about 12, and secretly crossdressed through the rest of my teen years... I also found out about transwomen, and my first reaction wasn't "I'm a transwoman!" It was: "Wow! They are incredibly attractive!"
I experimented with dressing up more in college, and even hooked up with a couple of guys while dressed, but I found that really unsatisfying emotionally. I dated girls, had relationships, etc... But I also dated transwomen, and for a while I convinced myself that I was just attracted to MTF women, not trans myself.
But I was never content, rarely happy, never relaxed. Something always felt "off" in my life, and my mind was always a racing cacophony of stress, fear and doubt. In 2000, I met my future wife. I told her my history, and about my attraction to transwomen. She accepted all that, and I thought "this is my chance to be normal."
Those feelings never went away, and unfortunately I dealt with them by having affairs with transwomen, transmen, and genetic women.. I've always had poor impulse control, and I also have a big problem with responding to attention or affection... My reaction is usually sexual, rather than platonic, and that has gotten me in trouble in the past.
In 2004, I told my wife I wanted to transition, and she freaked. I backed down, and soon after that she got pregnant... I thought "ok, this will make me normal." But the feelings never really went away.
In 2008, I told her again that I needed to transition, and she was more supportive. I started seeing a GID therapist, came out to some friends and my parents (all were supportive to varying degrees), and was on the verge of starting HRT when my wife told me she couldn't handle it. I wasn't prepared to be apart from her or our child, so I backed down again.
Soon after, she got pregnant again, and now we have two beautiful kids I don't want to be a part-time parent to. I also don't want to get divorced, so I sort of hope against hope that my wife will change her mind eventually. She has known about this part of me from the start, and she is attracted to women, so I feel like there is some chance she could come around.
Now I'm almost 35 and every day is a struggle... I want to start on spiro or some sort of T blocker, if only to be free of the toxic effects of testosterone. I can't afford a therapist, and only have a part-time teaching job. We also live with my in-laws right now, so any moves toward transition are completely impractical.
I'm looking for support, friendship, advice and encouragement. Thank you all for reading.
