Hey!

[BlaineHalley]

Hi, I am 26. I live in Brooklyn, NY. I consider myself MtF but I have not done anything about it. In fact, I have a big beard. I am married to a beautiful, smart, amazing GG psych grad student. She knows. There was a time when I was really positive and wanted to transition and even once spent a vacation week en femme in northern california. But now I am not so sure. I am in therapy. I am very depressed and am going to be starting Zoloft soon. (Has anyone else taken this? What is it like?) I guess I just can't ever see the body I was born with make a convincing woman. I don't think I have the raw materials. No offense to anyone else. I am sure someone stronger than me could deal with this.  I have been an outcast most of my life, playing the roles people expect, even playing the role of arch conservative jerk in highschool just to keep the bullies at bay. Though I was tormented constantly.

I have felt like a freak most of my life and I honestly don't think transitioning would make me happy. I think I would just feel like more of a freak. Again I am only speaking about myself and don't mean to insult anyone one. From what I've read on the forums all the transwomen here seem classy and empowered. I envy you all. I just don't have the energy to even deal with my feelings anymore and have just been wishing they could magically go away. Anyway, enough of my sadsack bit. I am sure everyone here has gone through something like this a sometime or another.

Not really sure what I am expecting here, but I sure would love to hear from someone out there.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Blaine,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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I took Zoloft, but it made me really zombie-like.  Never again.  As for transition, it is up to you, but don't let those nay saying self doubts stop you from what you feel you must do.  I did that and have regret it all lost years.  But now I am moving forward.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[K8]

Welcome to Susan's, Blaine. 

Actually, a lot of your story sounds like mine.  I wore a beard most of my adult life because I knew I would never make a passable woman and so why not?  I didn't want to transition because I was afraid I would be seen as a freak.  I felt like I didn't fit in - somehow accepted but always on the fringe of the groups.

Finally I didn't care any more.  I shaved off my beard, came out to my friends, and began living as a woman.  Remarkably, now just about everyone sees me as a woman - including the friends who knew me before.  Oh yeah, I also learned a lot of courage in the process.

I'm not saying this is how it will work for you.  I'm only saying I was where you were and now am an empowered and unbelievably happy woman.

I never took Zoloft, but I was on Lexapro for about a year.  I couldn't wait for my life to stabilize enough to get off it.

Good luck to you.  And again, welcome to Susan's.  There are a lot of nice people here and there's plenty of good information (plus a little bad ).  Pull up a keyboard and explore.

- Kate

[Sarah B]

Hi Blaine

Welcome to Susan's.  Many years ago my uncle said to me "you need to go and live as young women", this made me think about living as a female and wondering if I could do it.  A couple of times when I was on holiday's and traveling from one place to another (big distances) I changed my gender for those trips.  Although I was nervous getting petrol, going out to tea or even the cinemas.  What I was doing felt natural to me and I was happy, comfortable and contented.  Then one year I just upped and left the family behind and never looked back.

You mention that you spent a week as a female, do you remember how you felt?  Use this moment to help you understand who you are and to help you become the person who you really are.

Have a look at this inspirational video of Meghan.  This will show you what is possible and other members on Susan's can surely point you in the right direction.

I wish you all the best for the future

Kind regards
Sarah B

[gennee]

From another Brooklynite, welcome.

Gennee