I think one of the hardest things about transitioning is getting over self-criticism; for me, at least. Self-criticism is the belly of the demon, sorta speak.
I have a difficult time dealing with my own self-criticism. Often it defies logic. In a way, sort of like an anorexic looking at her or himself, stick and bone, and seeing the fat that isn't there. One part of me knows it's not there, and I'm fine, but the other part only sees the fat. It's a difficult thing to get through sometimes. Paralyzing.
I'm a woman; that I know. It's not a question about that, but just own my own flaws. The fat in the mirror.
In real life I can't remember when I last had issues with "passing." I don't really like that term, but it's what's available. I'll got out with no make up, wearing nothing that great, even wearing a boy T-shirt or my big comfy hoodie... still, never a problem.
An example of me on an average day is my avatar. Hair tied up, no make up, just running errands. I don't really even thing I try, or at least, try to a major degree most days. I posted my avatar picture on FaceBook and I got compliments like crazy.
Yet, I look at my picture and I think I look just awful. I wonder to my self how I can walk around have have people not call me sir, or call me out as a "->-bleeped-<-."
I wonder how I had sex, twice, with a man and have them not figure it out. Of course, I'm post-op, so that might factor. But, to forget protection once and have a man freak out that I "might get pregnant" is pretty heavy.
No problems with kids ever getting it wrong, either.
With my voice, such as on my YouTube channel (viewable if you look at my profile, not updated frequently), to me sounds awful. More than awful. Yet, why don't I get called Sir on the phone, or when talking to someone in public? Why isn't it outting me?
Logic would say that I look fine and I sound fine. I guess enough to be average enough that someone isn't going to question me.
My mind, however, still gets locked into this self-defeating pattern. It's difficult to get out of. It haunts me.
Then, of course, you question the reality -- am I maybe just self-deluding myself and not noticing bad reactions, sirs, or anything similar? Logically, although, if I were thinking about my flaws I'd think a part of me would latch on to things to confirm those flaws. Well, I guess it does, but no so much with reactions from other people or external resources, but more from my own. I look at the pictures of the women on here and I feel jealous; wishing I could be as hot as many of you are. I hear voice examples and I feel like crying 'cause I can't get my voice to sound that wonderful.
My friends, who know about my trans past (not all know), will tell me I'm fine. I double guess that often. I wonder if it's sugar coated and my distortions are more to reality than fiction. Maybe the general public is just nicer than what's really going on in their minds behind those white, picket-fence smiles.
Or maybe, I'm just okay. I'm fine.
A small part of me wants someone just to point out every flaw, tell me my voice sounds like crap, and tear me down harshly. I don't know why, but I think it's 'cause my mind wants some qualification for thinking the way it does through my distorted glasses.
It's a constant self-criticism. It's really horrible filled with second-guessing. A prison at times, if not all.
I wish someone could tell me that I'm beautiful and I could know that or sure, and take it as a genuine compliment.
I know that there are probably things that could help me, like FFS. I get a lot of close friends wonder why I'd even consider that, and even becoming more confused when I point out things they don't see... or when I don't know what I should get done, even. Same thing with my voice.
But, even if I had the money to get FFS and got it, the demon of self-criticism isn't going to go away. The perfect looks, the perfect voice, the perfect body. Ideal in every way. But, still, there's that little self-criticism goblin.
The demons of the mind are the hardest to defeat.
