My boyfriend JUST told me he's a TS. I'm confused, lost but still so in love.

[LostSoul]

Hey all,

I am in a relationship with someone who thinks he suffers from GID. Or maybe I should rephrase that bit and say he KNOWS he has GID and has accepted he's a TS. Unlike many other people, I am very open about it (though only with him and that is his choice as well) and I am willing to support him through his journey. We have been in a relationship for about 2 and a half years now and we are very happy & enjoy a healthy sex life among other things. He was worried about telling me at first about this but somehow, the things I say and my mentality about these things must have changed his mind and he opened up to me slowly. It started with his sexual fantasies. *I won't go into great detail but I don't want to miss any of the important bits either.* We do switch roles and I am comfortable satisfying him in this instance and behind closed doors. We first talked about this about a year ago but only got into it more in detail only very recently. He has been in many relationships before this but ours has been the most serious to date. I asked him when he first knew about this feeling he had & his fantasy and he said "Well i didnt know specifically what i wanted to do, but i knew what i wanted to feel like, and you make me feel like that" & he said it came from as far back as he could remember. He thinks it stems from female envy. And his appreciation for women and the way we look. He doesn't feel sexy or hot in his own body but he thinks women are just about the most beautiful "things" ever. And he thinks that nothing in particular made him see it that way and that he just thought that way as long as he could remember (his envy and appreciation toward females). He says that its only now, however, that he gets to experience a part of femaleness (when we switch roles) and it's only been with me as he has never been this open with anyone before.

He thinks it is somewhat therapeutic for him cause it makes him feel better than he ever felt. Previously, the closest time he has ever felt as good was when he was much younger and he used to drop acid with his friends and since being under the influence of acid pretty much takes you to a different paradigm, it is definitely an indication that he is not as comfortable in his own body as other people are.

We're currently in an LDR since I have just left the US, (I just graduated from uni & moved back to my home country) and he is still in the US since he is American but we are definitely working on moving somewhere together. He is most likely going to go back to school and I will try to make my way to him though it is hard given the current economy and strict rules on visas. We have been talking a lot about this though, and I think chatting online about it has given him the confidence to tell me more and allow us to explore more about how he feels and what we can do to make him feel better. I hope you understand, I am not trying to change him because I want him to be who he is and not feel the need to conform to what society wants of him but at the same time, I have to make sure that I am ready for what the future will bring. I love him so much, he truly is my soulmate. And we love and enjoy each others company heaps. I want to support him through his journey but not at the expense of my own feelings because I have to also think about myself and what I want & if I can fully be with someone in this situation 10 years down the line. Like he said today, "That's why its important to me to know whether you love what you imagine me to be, or love something deeper than whether or not im a manly man". To which I said, I am totally cool with him wanting to be comfortable in his own skin & I am definitely prepared for that but I don't know the extent of what I'll be willing to be part of. He says he has no desire to fully become a woman and go through the entire thing, which is why I think he has a less serious urge for this transition, but at the same time I need to know that if we get married in the future, he won't suddenly want to roam the streets as woman while he is supposed to be my husband. I do wish in a way that I was more bisexual so that I could be more attracted to his "female" side but I know that's not going to happen although I'll admit, behind closed doors, we do a good job of switching roles. Heehee. I told him though that it wouldn't bother me and he could be anyone he wanted to be behind closed doors as long as he would still be my man in the open since I believe fantasies should be explored and it brings people closer as well like it did for us.

And he honestly said that he had no intention of going through the entire transformation because he doesn't want to himself and he doesn't have the urge to do it. I guess it will take away all the bonds he has with people, family & friends and he doesn't think he's at a serious enough stage or ever will be to risk all that. He thinks that he is using both sides of his brain, almost equally. And it makes sense. He is good at languages and with people, two female brain dominating fields but on the other hand, he is also awesome at building things and envisioning things, very male brain dominating fields. It makes a lot of sense. And oh, the reason he liked acid so much in the past when he was about 15-17 years old (he's now 27) was because he says it removes one from the paradigm of our earthly form & when you are really peaking on acid, you are nothing but yourself, you are not biologically male or female, and you are not a girl or a boy, you are not fat, skinny, white, black, or anything really. You are you, nothing more or less. Basically, an escape for people like him who are unsatisfied with their form he says. And it is the only drug that can successfully do that and is therapeutic to him. Which is why he doesn't need acid now since what we do is helping him, but not that he has used it for years but I think he tried to busy himself with things and forget this feeling he had which isn't healthy either. So I'm glad we have this going for us and he is most happy that we are open and talk about it cause it has really brought us closer.


I'm thankful that he says he decided that it was important to tell me these things before we considered marriage in the future because a lot of times these things drive people apart. He thinks being a bit more feminine and thus feel less ugly will make him feel better. I'm definitely supporting his decision as long as it does not take away what I feel for him as a boyfriend and future husband and like he said, he's still going to be him to me no matter what. So we are now talking about things he can incorporate into his daily life, subtle things that will make him happy but nothing that will make people question anything since he says he really does not want that. Perhaps shaving his chest hair, growing out his hair and he is even talking about taking Hormones, of which I am cool with as long as he does not take away the man I fell in love with. I'm really in a limbo here about the hormones bit though. What is your advice on HRT? I would like to have babies with him someday but at the same time I heard being on hormones causes not only a low sex drive but also he could be sterile.

I want to be understanding and I am trying hard, but at the same time I have to be happy as well. I am accepting this and I just hope that this will work out for us. He definitely does not want to make the change, he made sure of that to me but I think he just wants to feel a little more feminine and tap into his feminine side because he already has part of his brain thinking that way so he wants to feel it in his self too.

I guess i need some advice, and I need to know if there is anything you can tell me that would help him figure out things more? He is a little confused too but he knows that there is definitely "something wrong" with him. I keep telling him it is not an illness, and that he has just tapped into a different side of his self and I just want him to be happy but I need to know what else I can do for him and what you think about this situation. I guess we really are at the crossroads because he wants me to be happy with him but he can't change this (and I really don't want him to anyway) but he wants me to tell him I will be with him through it all. I guess I really need to think about whether I can be there for him through it all and see if I really will be okay with the entire thing. I mean, you can understand how hard it is for me, my man is telling me about his desires to be more feminine and I always thought he was such a manly man. But he is tired of playing the part and being uncomfortable in his skin and wants to explore his woman-side a little, though subtlety. I just need advice and I guess I gotta figure out if we can continue this cause my fear is though I love him so much, what if he one day gets so comfortable with the idea and just wants to go through the entire thing, i.e become a woman. I can't see myself being with a woman right now which is why this is hard for me.

Sorry for the length. I hope I didn't leave anything vital out. I CANNOT wait to hear back.

[rejennyrated]

Hi Lostsoul

Welcome to Susans. It seems to me that you have the whole thing remarkably well figured already.

Nothing is ever impossible in relationships, I am bisexual, but I certainly didn't set out with the intent of spending my life with another postop MtF. I started off dating mainly men. However 26 years postop and with a 21 year relationship with another postop woman I have to accept that in fact the love of my life has been found with a "fellow traveller".

So in a very real sense I've been both a postop woman myself AND a significant other! 

Feelings change over time, and IF he did change at some point in the future you might find that by then the relationship is stong enough to survive it. I could introduce you to many couples who have!

As to whether your boyfriend will one day, as you put it, "go the whole way", nobody can tell you that, possibly not even him.

I transitioned almost before I became an adult but many leave it much later in life for all sorts of reasons, and indeed some never make that choice. Interalia on this board is a shining example of someone who has decided that transition is not for him.

So what it boils down is "would you prefer to have your boyfriend at least for a time, with the possibility that it may last a lifetime, or would prefer to walk away because of the possibility that at some point he may change?"

Reality is, nothing in life is ever really permanent, people die, people divorce, and few change sex. So if the relationship is mutually satisfying at present I would say enjoy it while it lasts, and just keep in mind that there may one day come a time when it is time for you both to move on. But please don't miss the good times you share for fear of a day which may never actually come.

[Windrider]

Hi, LostSoul! Welcome to Susan's

Like you, my spouse is also transitioning to female. I've read your post but, like always, it takes me a bit to organize my thoughts to reply. Quite a few things leaped out at me, so I hope my experiences will help you.

Until I can gather my thoughts, I'll just recommend that if you haven't already, please consider therapy (for both of you). Having someone to talk to can help greatly.

WR

[kisschittybangbang]

Take it slow. Keep communication levels up as high as possible. Don't push them. Don't be afraid to omit pronouns. Everyone on here struggled with them at one time or another. DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. and... Love with all you have and do so unconditionally. Those are the best bits of advice I cant offer.

[Kaori]

Hello LostSoul,

I can imagine your dreams, your hopes, your plans... are in a bit of an upheaval at this point.  How will the future that you envisioned mesh with the future that now could be?

Sometimes it really helps just to take one day at a time when there is an amount of confusion and uncertainty.  I also recommend therapy for both of you, if at all possible.  If that is not possible, at least you have open communication going for you at present.  As long as you have open communication, honest communication, in your relationship - anything is possible.

If I allow the blind optimist in myself to reply, I would say that in the end it is the same person you met and fell in love with together.  It is at the core, the same person that loves you even if the package and presentation changes.

I'm usually not that hopeful though, so I won't say that.   

In fact, if I was really out of my element, I would say that love takes an ordinary relationship and allows it to not only continue but thrive through extraordinary circumstances, when both partners are committed to making it work.

But I don't feel out of my element today, so I'll take another approach and just relate to you as best I can.

I am TS (MtF), bisexual and am in a relationship of 7 & 1/2 years.  A relationship which started as me presenting male 24/7 and not even acknowledging myself that I was trans.

Fast forward a few years, my boyfriend had grown to know and love the male person I presented myself as.

But after some deep emotional turmoil within myself, brought on by several deaths in the family, depression, repressed feelings, and more... I had to admit the fact that something in my life was completely wrong.  And I knew if I wanted to keep my relationship with my boyfriend, I had to talk.  And I had to be honest.

It was extremely difficult and very emotionally taxing at first.  I had spent years of learning how to be the strong, silent, unresponsive and confident male I unfailing presented myself as.  Hehe, that all went to crap.  I didn't even know who I was for a few months.  It was scary.

I have to give credit where credit is due though - my boyfriend was very supportive and at the very first thought of my being transgender, he said he supported me no matter what and would love me no matter what - he just wanted me to be happy.

I was afraid he wouldn't be able to love me anymore.  I was afraid I couldn't be his partner because I truly wasn't the male I thought he dreamed of.  But through months and months of talking, sharing and exploring together - we found that he wasn't looking for a 'male'.  He was looking for 'me'.  And he wasn't going to give up unless that is what I truly wanted.

And to this day he loves me more than ever, and I him.  I'm a lot more open than I used to be.  So many walls have been broken down.  I am a lot happier and healthier.  And that has actually benefited our relationship in a few positive ways I believe.  Especially as of late, it's been quite exciting to grow closer and more intimately than we ever have.

Sure there are some minor quirks for us at present, but we've gone from being two lost people to a couple who is secure enough to laugh with and embrace each other through what used to be awkward, embarrassing or unsure moments.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling.  Maybe this won't help at all.  I just wanted to chime in and say that if you truly do not feel like throwing in the towel at this point, then don't.  It may be the best thing you can do for both of you.

I wish you the best in your relationship.

[JennaLee]

LostSoul

Your friend is a lucky person.  I think you can work it out if you work together and it sure sounds like you have a great start. 

I am mtf and am working through things with my wife much like you are.  It has brought us closer and so far, things are great.

We wish you well!

[PanoramaIsland]

LostSoul, welcome to Susan's!
You are in a frightening situation, one that most people do not even consider that they might end up in. It takes a lot of courage to go through this, and I commend you for tackling the issue and not running away. I do not have the time to write a lengthy reply to your post right now, although I would like to, but I will say this:

If I have learned anything from being trans and queer, it is that relationships between people are much more than a simple bond between a person with a penis and a person with a vagina. We are connected to our partners in so many ways and for so many reasons that gender and physical sex can and should only take a moderate role in determining with whom we share our passion and love. If you truly love this person and are ready to commit yourself to them, you love them for a complex network of reasons, and gender is only one piece of that puzzle.

Your post deserves much more of a response, but I'll have to leave you with that for now.

[LostSoul]

Ohmy. First of all, SORRY for the late reply. I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my boyfriend and just didn't know what to say here. Right now, I can't even think of how to start this. I mean, each and every one of you has been to kind and offered so much positive insight and advice, I literally just absorbed all of it with a sponge. But I have updates. The good kind, well mostly. And I mean more of me learning about the person I am and the person my boyfriend (for now) wants to be in the near future. It's hard. It doesn't go away. I'm sad. I worry. I cry. It's always lingering in my mind. But then I smile. Knowing he will be happier. And I love who he is and I want to hang in there instead of running around in the other direction to see who he will become and hope nothing will change between us. I mean who knows really? I think that's the best part. Not knowing what is coming, but growing and being ready for what will come.

I'm gonna write something on here soon and I just CANNOT wait to hear back from all of you when I do.

Much love & kisses. AND ALL THE BEST WITH YOUR OWN LIVES!

I know people say this all the time, but THANK YOU.

[spacial]

Don't worry at all about taking your time to get back LostSoul.

We really do understand your situation and are ready to offer support and a big ear.

I know some here will have lots to add but really looking forward to your next posts.

[Ellieka]

Indeed, Take your time Lost. This is a lot to take in all at once so go as slow as you need. We ain't going away any time soon.

[PanoramaIsland]

Take your time, LostSoul. This is what Susan's is for. 

In the meantime, I hope your exploration with your SO is going well. Just think of it as a growing experience, hm? 

[JillEclipse]

That post was so inspirational. I think I'm going to reveal some more things about me.

I am not comfortable in man or woman's body. I want an animal's body. Also I want to be a cyborg. But still human enough that if my machine parts fail I will still be alive. I think girls are godlier than guy's. That is why I want a woman's face but not a woman's body. Actually I changed my mind. I now want a woman's body. I think the whole "manly man's" game is played out and boring. The whole "be straight 24/7, do manly things, don't care about what you eat, etc." is not a life for me. I like being gay and having romantic feelings for the same sex. I get a kick from doing the opposite of what people expect. I love being a vegetarian because I feel better inside and I don't have to feel guilt every now and then from killing innocent beings. I love looking like a woman because I feel pretty and special inside and this is how I was meant to be. I love wearing bulletproof and chainsawing things and using rocket launchers and gatling guns and blowing >-bleeped-< up but not in real life because that would mean i am a murderer because that is What the Queen of the Beast Army Should be doing. Here's the thing. I can't wear bulletproof if I have cleavage. Because I always wear 4 layers of heavy bulletproof, it simply would not work. so I'm not sure if it would work out. this is me. i am queer until queer becomes the cool thing. and then i will be secretly queer. but i will always be that hero that is also the antihero. i will always be the straight guy who does gay things and is gay but also straighter than the straightest man. i am thatman. the city will call "save us". and ill whisper, "no." because you have to chase him. because i can take it. i can take anything you throw at me. because i am not a hero. i am a silent guardian. a watchful protector. the Darkness and Light.

Edit by K8: Removed verbage in violation of Rule 5.

[emlauren]

Hi LostSoul,

I'm a 19 year old girl and I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago with my current girlfriend, who's a mtf transsexual. I always thought that I was straight and the possibility of being with a girl never really came to mind. At the time I was close friends with this person and had developed some very strong feelings for her. I knew that these feelings were reciprocated, so I wasn't sure why nothing was happening between us. She soon came out to me as trans, because she didn't want us to be involved before I knew. It was extremely hard for her to tell me, but once it was out there I found that my feelings didn't change at all. I still cared about her and wanted to be with her, even if she was a woman.

I don't know why her confession didn't make me re-think my feelings. Maybe I've always had the capacity to love a woman. Maybe my feelings towards her as a human being transcended all else.

I'm naturally a curious and research-oriented person with an unceasing need to understand, so after she came out to me we would spend hours on the phone per day just talking about everything. I think that open communication was hugely important because it helped to established lines of honesty and trust and mutual respect and understanding. We also began reading transgender and lesbian oriented books together. I think that that helped me to understand the issues she would be facing, and reading was very formative in terms of shaping my personal approach when interacting with her and her wants/needs. I think that, as superficial as it may seem, that going shopping together and teaching her how to do hair and make-up also was a form of support for her and a source of enjoyment for both of us.

If I could advise anything, I would say to just talk. Have a girls' night, do each others' nails  , and honestly explore each others' feelings. Read some transsexual literature (it doesn't have to be dry...may I suggest Julia Serano or Geri McKettrick?) out loud to each other. I admire both of you; your SO for being honest before you became more serious about the future, and you for keeping an open mind and standing by your SO, no matter what ultimately happens.

Keep us updated and let us know if you have any specific questions in mind!

Best wishes 

[JillEclipse]

maybe she had that hint of masculinity that you just couldn't place, that drove you closer towards her?

[Alyx.]

That post was so inspirational. I think I'm going to reveal some more things about me.

I relate so much.

[elementalincognitus]

LostSoul
Your friend is a lucky person.  I think you can work it out if you work together and it sure sounds like you have a great start. 

I am lucky indeed...... weve got a long journey ahead of us, lostsoul, but hopefully there will come a point when you and I will both be able to change our usernames on here- you wont be lost anymore and i wont have to hide elements of myself any more..... much love....

[Meshi]

My first question would be your age  or at least about what ages you are?  I perhaps think he would do well with some counseling with a person that is well versed in GID (Gender Identity Disorder).  Maybe he just doesnt know yet his sexual preference and wants to experiment..I do know of quite a bit of younger ppl that really dont know themselves totally yet, and maybe still discovering.  Since you two are LDR makes it more difficult for you, i would imagine.  It is hard enough for a genetic female to deal with, let alone for you being far apart.  Some ppl can be worth it, but only you can really evaluate your situation.  I would never suggest a true hetro woman to become or experiment with a bi relationship if she weren't.   I am married to a hetro woman, but our relationship has been built from many years of love and companionship.  I wont go into specifics in an open forum, but for us it works.

[DaddyofGrrrl]

Hi LostSoul,

I'm new to the forum (first post) but not to this scenario.

If you'd like to PM me feel free, I don't want to put too much out here right now but I'll just say I really understand what you are experiencing.

I am 26 and been with my partner (29) for almost 4 years. We both have gender issues (feel more like the opposite of our biology) but he is the one that has started hormones and plans to transition. I am fine just being a butch Daddy with a female body.

The thing is, I have always been attracted only to men/masculinity but in the time we've been together I've felt more and more attraction to the female and his femme side specifically. At first he didn't ever want to transition or get surgery or hormones (same as yours said) but over time it became more of a desire.

Unlike your situation, I have known from the very start (maybe a couple of months in) that my "boyfriend" was really a girl on the inside. And it's been fine with me and I've encouraged it because I'm really a gay man on the inside so we somehow match up well.

All this gender stuff is sooo not black and white like most people think. I think being with someone you love is the most important part and hopefully your end goals and wants in life will align enough while still being true to yourself. Like I said, PM if you want to get into more details, I'm happy to talk.

I'm new here, only really joined to see what's going on and offer support cause we're in a really good place with each other, GID, the transition, etc.