Of all family members, mothers seem the least likely to believe you. Well, if you're like me and didn't act atypical to your assigned sex until puberty. I mean, I was never a really girly girl or anything.
My mom says she does believe me, and she says it over and over because I seem not to believe her. She is frequently pointing out that I am quite hard-headed and need to keep an open mind. I believe I am, but she is simply not quite understanding. She thinks she does.
She tells me now quite frequently of her childhood and how, because of all of the work she did she was very strong. Stronger than all the guys. She grew up in a traditional Mexican family and so at some point, thought that it would be great to be a guy, get a girl and protect her and all that jazz that guys get to do. She was locked up all the time, not allowed to do anything. They (her parents) stopped her from playing soccer (which, at the time she was quite good at.) When the time came though, she just couldn't stand being with a woman. It disgusted her. And she thinks I am the same.
For me, I think it is not a question of privilege but a question of validation of how I think of myself. I see myself as a male, I would like others to as well. I want my body to conform with I expect it to be, not this horrible mutation that happened at puberty against my will. I often can't stand the sight of myself anymore as I grow more and more feminine. I see myself slipping away into something that is not me.
I resent being a "she." I am not a "girl" nor a "mommy" to my pets. I don't like my name, it's too girly. I just don't want to be stuck in this foreign mold, it feels so off and like I cannot be myself this way.
Meh, it's a bit irritating because not only does she not understand (which I do not expect anyone to) she thinks she understands. And that is a whole lot more irritating. She seems in denial. One day she pointed out a girly clothing shop (right about when I came out) and offered to go there with me. I replied with a "No, why would I want to do that? Haven't we gone over this?" and she looked at me and answered "Well, what if you change your mind?" Meh.
She also gives me these long, uncomfortable talks with the "you look like you're trying to look like a guy" and "you'll never really be a man." Yes, I'm aware of the limitations and no, they do not make me happy but it's much, much better than just letting things be. She seems to have it in her head that I want to go to a therapist so the therapist can "make me feel better" which is true, but not to talk me out of it like she thinks.
One day, lesbianism came up. "You see, I'm not a lesbian."
"You're right."
"Because lesbians are necessarily women."
"No, because I don't think you could be with a girl. It's gross. Do you really like them?"
"Yes, I said so already."
Meh, someday maybe she'll understand. Or maybe she won't, I just hope she stops thinking she does.
Slightly off-topic: Why can't Spanish have a gender neutral way to describe people? I'd be much more comfortable around her if it did.
