Advice to kick me into full time living

[Catherine]

Not sure of what?

See...I would think that after 3 years I should know but I don't.

Well then you are not ready. Something is holding you back. Only you know what that is.

You will feel it when the time is right for you.

For me it was sod it I am really fed up with trying to be something I am not. I just got on with it. IT took 35 years to get to that point though And there was a hole load of unhappiness and hurt in those years. Now I couldn't be happier.

but as I said you are different and you have to sort it out in your head.
Post Merge: March 12, 2010, 08:15:33 AM

al james: I never said I was happy with people thinking I'm female, it does bother me but so do a lot of things. I just tolerate it in the same way that I tolerate other people that aren't significant in my life that have negative views on me (ex: homophobes).

Myles, and Janet Lynn: Those are things that I can understand...needing something on paper to give that little push. I think I would probably need, or at least want the legal system supporting my ID first. Sadly, I won't be able to do any of those things for a fairly significant amount of time.

No No no no no!!!!

A piece of paper does not make you who you are. You are you not what some bit of paper says. If you think that you are making a big mistake.

What is holding you back REALLY ?? There has to be something in your head that is stopping you. You need to get past that and then you will be ready. Getting a bit of paper is not going to sort that issue you have out.

Having an ID card maybe will save you a bit of embarrassment but at the end of the day it is only a bit of paper.

I know I am being a bit strong here but really you are you whatever anyone else thinks. When you are ready to be full time then you will know.

[K8]

I didn't transition in the early 80s because I didn't think I had support and was afraid of how my life would end up.  I had a bunch of problems I needed to work on that wouldn't be "cured" by transition.  (Low confidence, few job skills, trouble making and keeping friends, etc.)

I transitioned last year when I felt strong enough and knew that I could manage even if I lost all my friends, had to move out of town, people would make fun of me, and perhaps I would even be attacked and killed.  When I knew I could accept any and all of those outcomes, I knew I was ready.

For me, it was in internal readiness.  In some ways it feels like stepping off of a cliff into the vast unknown.  You pack your safety gear, but you still don't know what will happen.  You prepare for the worst and hope for the best and go.

Can I have some examples of what things, background, and internal work you are referring to? I feel many of these answers are very vague and don't make sense to me.

When I was working, often I would have a problem with a system I was designing that I couldn't figure out.  Then, on a weekend or in the middle of the night, I would realize what needed to be done.  My unconscious mind had worked through the problem.  I think the same happens with life problems.  There are some knots that need to be untied before you can go forward, but your conscious mind sometimes blanks them out because you aren't ready to deal with them yet.

If a piece of paper helps, fine.  But it is the internal readiness that will see you through.  Good luck, dear.  You'll get there.

- Kate

[Sandy]

What I hear you saying, Nygeel, is that you are looking for some sort of verification that what you feel truly exists. 

Having a doctor or therapist give you a carry letter can be that sort of verification.

But other than that, there really is no way to say absolutely that you are transsexual.  There is no objective test that will prove that diagnosis.

So we come out of our denial, then we discuss this with our therapist and they will base their findings based on their training and experience with others who have the same issues.

But, just like Kate said, it still comes down to taking a deep breath and stepping into the abyss.  That internal confidence will arise when you are ready.  And like a lemming, you will be unable to do anything else. 

Many of us take on the image of the butterfly as our symbol.  Not because it is pretty, though it is, but the caterpillar that was the butterfly was driven to change by the very same pressures.  When the time came, the caterpillar could do nothing else but change.  And if it is kept from change, it will perish.

Many others have said the same thing, and I will also add my feelings; You'll know when you are ready.  Just like the caterpillar knows.

I wish I could give you something more substantial than that, but if I could, I would like to have had that too.

-Sandy

[Nygeel]

Catherine: I still don't really understand what you're saying. I live my life as a man as much as I feel comfortable with right now. I bind my chest, I've had everybody I know using my male name, and male pronouns. Heck, a few of my friends don't even know my birth name. I feel as if a piece of paper would be like somebody else backing me up be it the legal system, or a therapist.

K8: I'm fortunate enough to have a pretty good support system. I think transitioning physically/hormonally would help me with my confidence but right now I can barely afford to pay the bills. There's also an issue of looking at the negative side effects of testosterone and how bad it might be for my body based on my family's health.

Sandy: Yep, I am looking for verification. I did go to a therapist for about 3 months, told them absolutely everything I could that was gender related. When I talk to other trans men, though I don't feel connected to them. I don't feel as if we share the same feelings towards our identities. I think that if/when I do transition (in some way shape or form) to male that I will feel more comfortable in my own skin but I also feel that I would be a lovely feminine man.

[Al James]

al james: I never said I was happy with people thinking I'm female, it does bother me but so do a lot of things. I just tolerate it in the same way that I tolerate other people that aren't significant in my life that have negative views on me (ex: homophobes).

sorry- must have mis read you.

[Catherine]

Catherine: I still don't really understand what you're saying. I live my life as a man as much as I feel comfortable with right now. I bind my chest, I've had everybody I know using my male name, and male pronouns. Heck, a few of my friends don't even know my birth name. I feel as if a piece of paper would be like somebody else backing me up be it the legal system, or a therapist.

K8: I'm fortunate enough to have a pretty good support system. I think transitioning physically/hormonally would help me with my confidence but right now I can barely afford to pay the bills. There's also an issue of looking at the negative side effects of testosterone and how bad it might be for my body based on my family's health.

Sandy: Yep, I am looking for verification. I did go to a therapist for about 3 months, told them absolutely everything I could that was gender related. When I talk to other trans men, though I don't feel connected to them. I don't feel as if we share the same feelings towards our identities. I think that if/when I do transition (in some way shape or form) to male that I will feel more comfortable in my own skin but I also feel that I would be a lovely feminine man.

Nygeel,

What I am trying to tell you is that you are who you are. You really dont need validation of a bit of paper because with or with out this paper you are still you.

If you feel that you need something to kick you in to living as a man full time maybe you are not ready in your mind.

I dont know what you are feeling but I can tell you that I knew when I was ready to go full time and there is no bit of paper that would validate me more than what is in my mind.

Maybe I misunderstand what you are trying to say. You say you are to all intents and purposes full time to your close circle. But are not full time to the rest of the world. You possibly feel that an ID card is going to push you over the edge so to speak.

I would say to you the if you were really ready it would not matter one bit whether you had a bit of paper or not.

I maybe looking at this totally the wrong way for you but I can only give my opinion. But most of us on here will tell you that they knew when they were ready and didn't need something to push them over the edge.

In the end you need to be happy and only you can know whether you are or not. I can tell you how I felt when I went full time. It was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders and I haven't been happier in my life and I haven't changed my documents as yet due to being busy elsewhere.

So what I am trying to say to you in a round about way is do what makes you happy but be sure when you do as going back is going to be very difficult.

I am sure you will make the right decision for you and I am sure in the end you will be happy.

[Nygeel]

Nygeel,

What I am trying to tell you is that you are who you are. You really dont need validation of a bit of paper because with or with out this paper you are still you.

If you feel that you need something to kick you in to living as a man full time maybe you are not ready in your mind.

I dont know what you are feeling but I can tell you that I knew when I was ready to go full time and there is no bit of paper that would validate me more than what is in my mind.

Maybe I misunderstand what you are trying to say. You say you are to all intents and purposes full time to your close circle. But are not full time to the rest of the world. You possibly feel that an ID card is going to push you over the edge so to speak.

I would say to you the if you were really ready it would not matter one bit whether you had a bit of paper or not.

I maybe looking at this totally the wrong way for you but I can only give my opinion. But most of us on here will tell you that they knew when they were ready and didn't need something to push them over the edge.

In the end you need to be happy and only you can know whether you are or not. I can tell you how I felt when I went full time. It was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders and I haven't been happier in my life and I haven't changed my documents as yet due to being busy elsewhere.

So what I am trying to say to you in a round about way is do what makes you happy but be sure when you do as going back is going to be very difficult.

I am sure you will make the right decision for you and I am sure in the end you will be happy.

I know that I am who I am. I dress how I want, try pretty darn hard to pass (usually doesn't work, but after maybe 4-5 years of dressing male/masculine I really don't care). I would like to have somebody in power to agree with me. That way when I am in a situation where somebody says "she" I can easily say "no it's he" and have some sort of proof other than my word.

I would consider myself happy with where I am so far, but that's because where I have been wasn't too great. I don't mind when little kids ask their parents "is that a boy or a girl?"

[Catherine]

I know that I am who I am. I dress how I want, try pretty darn hard to pass (usually doesn't work, but after maybe 4-5 years of dressing male/masculine I really don't care). I would like to have somebody in power to agree with me. That way when I am in a situation where somebody says "she" I can easily say "no it's he" and have some sort of proof other than my word.

I would consider myself happy with where I am so far, but that's because where I have been wasn't too great. I don't mind when little kids ask their parents "is that a boy or a girl?"

Then maybe you are ready to go full time.

You will never get a counsellor or Psych to tell you what you are incase they are wrong.

A bit of paper makes no difference one way or the other.

So do what YOU feel is right. Thaat is the best advice me or anyone else can give you.

[Sarah B]

Hi Nygeel

You say at the start of this thread:

I've been living as close to full time as possible for me at the moment and would like some advice as to how I should/could push myself into being completely full time. I've been out as male to the people that matter for about 3 years. People outside of my social circle rarely read me as male/a man

I hate to say it and I do not mean to imply any nastiness either, but you will not be able to go full time, unless people outside your support circle "read you as a man", every time.

From what you have said in the thread, you have alluded to, that you want everyone to read you as a male. For example:

The other day somebody that wanted me and a friend to do a survey said "hey, ladies" she yelled "he's not a lady!" The person asking about the surveys shouted back that I was. It's hard to have confidence when hardly anybody acknowledges your identity (at least for me).

And

I never said I was happy with people thinking I'm female, it does bother me

So you need to change things that will ensure that people outside your support group, will read you as a male.  I'm aware of certain thing in your life such as:

Ah, problem is that I'm not under a doctor's care. I can't afford a doctor. I went to one about a year ago, maybe two years ago. It didn't seem to get anywhere so I stopped wasting my money (I was broke then, too).

And

but right now I can barely afford to pay the bills.

You need to sort this situation out and fast, use your support group to help you on this.  Find another job that pays better or find solutions that will bring down your expenses.  So that you can afford the therapist and hormones that you need to achieve what you want in life.  You yourself said, "I think transitioning physically/hormonally would help me with my confidence".  So you have already said in a sense what you need to do.

So to be able to go full time, you need to get a better job to pay for those bills associated with your transition, which will enable you to be read as male outside of your support group, which will improve your confidence immensely.

Two final points, which are relevant to this discussion, one having the legal paper work would help you immensely in your life, but having those papers will not solve your more immediate problem of physically changing your appearance with hormones. Which leads us to the second point, yes there are risks with taking any drugs.  I know I have been taking estrogen for 21 years and I'm prepared to accept those risks.  So accept those risks associated with testosterone and reduce those risks, by changing your lifestyle where possible.

One final thing to consider is, ask your support group, if you really look like a male and ask them to tell you the honest truth.

"So do what YOU feel is right" as Catherine said; because only you will know what to do, to resolve your problems.  I hope this helps you in deciding what you need to do, so that you can go completely full time.  Take care and all the best for the future.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

[Nygeel]

Catherine: if a piece of paper doesn't make a difference then why do so many trans identified people want these official markers? Why do people get married? A bit of paper means a lot. It's official recognition that I am in fact me. It's something I can show to another person and say "see, I told you I'm a guy." It helps with confidence...which many of us lack before coming out, living part time, or full time.

Sarah B: That's how I feel. That I can't really be full time until I'm read as male without any problems. I'm currently unemployed and have been job hunting. I'm trying to go to interviews and being completely honest: I'm (insert chosen name) but write on my forms that my legal name is something else.

For T, I've been researching it for awhile...the positives and negatives. I have plenty of concerns with T: cardiovascular problems, balding, change in personality, cancer, etc. Then there's the whole "will hormones really truly make me happy?" The only way for me to know for sure is by taking it.

I probably look like a male, but that isn't the same as looking male. There's also the whole looking masculine vs looking male which is a whole other thing.

Top surgery I know I want (I have massive back problems and a huge disproportion with bust size for my frame) but there are concerns about maintaining feeling...all that fun stuff.

[amandax]

I really like the discussion, actually, I also need the similar help and advices on my transition. I see my transition just takes too long, I have been HRT for more than 3 yrs, and I am getting pretty passable as a female(I even had my trachea shave procedure on last Month) and getting problem to pass as male, and my female voice is also becoming passable (even yesterday when I called my bank using my male voice, the guy on the phone ask if I am Miss or Mr. ) , BUT, I am still part time, and keep on pushing my the time line of going full time further. Why?  I keep on asking myself. The first thing pop up is that I just dont feel ready in the REAL world.
I don't know why I am so tough on evaluating my readiness,,and so realisticly and logically to control and plan my transition instead of letting my heart to lead (I am a engineer, dose it explain something? ), maybe the uncertainty and potential risks in the real world scare me which make me too careful to move quick. Maybe because I know no matter how strong my heart desire is, I am still live in a real world and fitting into world smoothly is big factor to my long term happiness.  I need to find the balance between what my heart want me to do and what best to fit into the reality world. can some one shine some light here?

[K8]

I came to understand for myself that we make our own reality. No one is going to make our lives work for us, not our spouse, family, friends or therapist ...to create our reality for us. No one is going to hand our dreams to us and say, 'here you are'. I came to realize that I had to make it happen, I had to create a life that works for me. Thinking I could just show up, announce myself, and it be there was wrong thinking.

So in the end, the big questions are 'What is the loving thing for you to do?'. 'What is in your heart of hearts?'. Who are you deep down?' Once you are clear on that and what your dreams are, then you have power to make it happen. Once I answered those questions, everything else fell into place. Self acceptance is the key, the answer is within. That is the magic ...and my journey has truly been magical.

I completely agree.  I wish I could explain it as well, Valerie.

I was stopped until I finally completely, deep-down, to my very core accepted myself for what I am and what it means for my life.  Once I did that, it was: Watch Out!  Here she comes!

- Kate