Life or Death

[Megan]

I am not depressed, just saying. The past hour I applied gunk of make up, and then I kind of like what I saw, and then I was disgusted because it looked so close but yet so far to a passable female.

kind of like this honestly, it was freaky
http://www.mtv.com/content/ontv/vma/archive/images/1986/flipbook/1986_vanguard_madonna.jpg

Still now I am thinking about death, as a way to go onto a new life so I can just move on, like reincarnation. I am not even a depressed state, but still if I ended myself I could just be a female so much quicker if there is reincarnation. If there is nothing then there's nothing anyways? That's why I do not do it, since I don't know what would happen afterward I guess.

Last Friday I was in tears almost because I wanted to be a female so bad, and it was during school. There was this guy who opened the door for a bunch of girls, I had a few guys open doors for me individually but usually it was because it was raining or just because I was close enough behind him. But this one kind of bothered me since I walked with the group of girls, and then he was like "I'm being a gentleman heheh" or something. I felt like I shouldn't have the door opened for me at the moment, and I stood there for a second thinking if I should go ahead.

Then I kind of walked really fast to get changed, coming in from gym class, and just sat in sadness in the next class.

There's these girls I would die to become, even the average ones, it's not even about beauty, but just to be a girl. I would trade my body for any of theirs, except for one since she was even taller than me.

Well....

Are there loans I can take out to get FFS and SRS? I need a plan to become a woman, and I want to become one as soon as possible. I am about to take spiro, but that isn't enough... it just makes me want more.

[LordKAT]

One theory says that if you kill yourself, your doomed to start the same life over til you learn whatever it was you had to learn.  So the new life as female don't work.

I understand the desperately wanting what you can't have. That is a teenage thing, especially the willing to go to drastic measures part. Be glad it is possible for you to transition, the ability does exist, unlike it was for many in the past and many in other countries. If you can see it that way, you find your actually lucky to be who you are and where you are even if it doesn't always seem like it. Patience is a very hard thing to learn.

[Megan]

Maybe in another life, say I was born in the year 2100 in a futuristic United States society where transition is a simple matter. But I wouldn't kill myself though even now, since I would leave my family sad I supposed. But if my family didn't say they love me I don't know.

I know if I was born in the past, than I would had killed myself already though (if I had a similar mentality). Especially since the gender roles were so strong then, I had a fortune reader tell me that I was a weird woman in the past.

But I can't believe her much, but she did told me I was living in the 1890s and had short hair in a time when women didn't have short hair.

[LordKAT]

the future tends to be faster better cheaper etc for existing tech.  The past often opposite. Yes it could be better , but it could be worse. Only thing is, what you have is now.

[BunnyBee]

Less is more, but it also needs to be the right stuff.  When I first started messing with makeup I decided I had cool toned skin when I actually have warm toned skin.  My goodness I would have to cake the stuff on to make it look even and when I was done I looked like an ashen mask of death.

I think this is a good video for helping you find your undertone and avoid common pitfalls.  Yes it is a guy doing makeup =P.

http://www.youtube.com/user/gossmakeupartist#p/search/1/6_4JRJw6DIs

[LordKAT]

This is creepy, I learned more about make up from you ladies then I ever did trying to seem female.  No loss tho.

[Megan]

Less is more, but it also needs to be the right stuff.  When I first started messing with makeup I decided I had cool toned skin when I actually have warm toned skin.  My goodness I would have to cake the stuff on to make it look even and when I was done I looked like an ashen mask of death.

I think this is a good video for helping you find your undertone and avoid common pitfalls.  Yes it is a guy doing makeup =P.

http://www.youtube.com/user/gossmakeupartist#p/search/1/6_4JRJw6DIs

Thanks lol

I actually just put on some pink-red lipstick and black eyeliner. I wasn't really trying to put on make up too look great, but just put it on to see what I would look like with something on since I know I was going to remove it in the shower anyways.

[BunnyBee]

This is creepy, I learned more about make up from you ladies then I ever did trying to seem female.  No loss tho.

Lol.  Did you just call me creepy? =P

[LordKAT]

Lol.  Did you just call me creepy? =P

No. I called that fact of my learning something now that I have no need for nor desire for when I have been born female creepy.

[BunnyBee]

No. I called that fact of my learning something now that I have no need for nor desire for when I have been born female creepy.

Gotcha .  I think that's just the Universe being all ironic again.  It loves to do that stuff.

[V M]

I know more about make up than you? And that's kinda creepy? ......Cool!!!... LOL

*HUGS LordKAT*

[LordKAT]

I know more about make up than you? And that's kinda creepy? ......Cool!!!... LOL

*HUGS LordKAT*

Ye you do.  *enjoys HUGS, returns*

@Jen  Ye Irony is about it.  Glad you figured out what I meant.

@Megan, if you are going to remove makeup in the shower and don't want to scrub your face off, use something like ponds cold cream to get the majority off first. It helps not dry your skin out so much.

[Cindy]

Ye you do.  *enjoys HUGS, returns*

@Jen  Ye Irony is about it.  Glad you figured out what I meant.

@Megan, if you are going to remove makeup in the shower and don't want to scrub your face off, use something like ponds cold cream to get the majority off first. It helps not dry your skin out so much.

So that's how LordKat keeps his good looks
Cindy

[aubrey]

@Megan, if you are going to remove makeup in the shower and don't want to scrub your face off, use something like ponds cold cream to get the majority off first. It helps not dry your skin out so much.

I like the Nuetrogena makeup wipe thingies. They take off the blackest eyeliner and whatever else with a few swipes.

[Eva Marie]

I like the Nuetrogena makeup wipe thingies. They take off the blackest eyeliner and whatever else with a few swipes.

I'll have to look for those. I can never get eyeliner off  One time i went to work and realized that i had not got all of the eyeliner off - mad a quick dash to the bathroom and commenced to scrubbing!

[BunnyBee]

@Jen  Ye Irony is about it.  Glad you figured out what I meant.

I was kidding =P.  I know you wouldn't call me creepy .

[Megan]

I think I reached the lowest of my depression, since I really don't want to live this life anymore. I gave it the best I could, and I am still going to try to survive, but I want someone to tell me they love me. I took this math quiz, and completely failed it, and if I continue this I will fail the class. The teacher ask me why, and I told him I didn't understand it, but what I really wanted was to tell him everything about me. In the next hour I think I wanted to cry, and even shed a tear since I don't want to fail. But I am failing since I am really tired, and I just don't understand math. Then in the next hour, I was in the bathroom stall for like a few minutes thinking if he could hug me (really bizarre). Then during lunch I went home to cry for about 5 minutes...walking distance away.

I need to tell someone, and I need them to accept me whoever I am. It's not the gender issues alone, it's making friends, it's just having one friend that could change my life. It's my family too, it's like they want to control me, everything I do and say. I can't even be me since everything I do is being monitored. And I am too weak for rejection right now, since no one ever accepted me.

I want a boyfriend really bad... I just want to feel human. I don't care who my boyfriend is, I don't care if he's 500 lbs or whatever.