Fear - how do you fight your anxiety demons?

[brainiac]

I'm in my last year of undergraduate university, and once I graduate I'm going to be living at home with my parents and sister for a year before I head off to graduate school. I'm not out as transgender (FTM) to anyone but my therapist and my partner, and when I've visited home I've made sure not to wear any of my more masculine clothing around my family. My mother and sister used to pressure me very often to look more feminine ("You're going outside looking like that?" "You look like a 12-year-old boy! Put on more makeup."), which gave me a very strong insecurity: no one will respect you if you don't look feminine enough; you need to pass the bare minimum of femininity for anyone to like you and to avoid disgust (of course, this dogma only applied to ME). I never really had the typical rebellious teenager stage, either, so I didn't break out of this for years.

Now, after plenty of therapy and breaking apart my assumptions, I realize that this is not a rule, but an insecurity that is simply not true. I cut my hair shorter, which was really liberating, and I have a few articles of male clothing that I wear sparingly. I went to two queer and trans-related events at my university, and being around a lot of non-heteronormative-looking people was a huge relief.

But...

I'm so afraid of going any further. I know the next steps I should take: find more clothing that I like, get a binder and try wearing that sometimes. I know I should be doing this now, while I'm away from my family and have the liberty to do this, but I've found myself avoiding it because I'm afraid.

What do I say to people who know me, who notice that I'm wearing male clothes and that my chest is flat?
Can I justify going out attempting to pass (or at least be sufficiently ambiguous) when I'm so afraid that people will judge me?
Is this a way of coming out? Am I ready to come out to anyone? My friends? Strangers?
Can I find a transgender/queer group in the next month in this city to participate in?
Do I have time to do all of this while I'm writing my honors thesis?!

And then there's the matter of my partner, but that's a whole other story. So... do any of you have any advice on how to push myself through my fears and try things that I know deep down will be good for me?

[Teknoir]

It's understandable to be nervous, exploring the potential unknown and all.

Can I justify going out attempting to pass (or at least be sufficiently ambiguous) when I'm so afraid that people will judge me?

My advice would be to stop telling yourself you're afraid. It's re-enforcing a pattern of thinking that you're obviously trying to free yourself from. By building up the expectation of fear, you're setting yourself up for fear.

You always tend to see what you're looking for (car keys, pens, and matching socks non withstanding ). It's a natural bias.

It's also a cycle, and breaking it is hard (and takes time and consistant effort) - but it can be done.

I'd also suggest asking yourself a lot of probing questions - but try to take an outside, non-biased viewpoint. Think more along the lines of analysing what's going on in your mind. Be careful not to load the questions towards any particular answer. That's something that's helped me deal with stressful situations over the years.

Try asking yourself things like - What exactly is it that you are afraid of? Are you afraid, or something else? Sometimes it's easy to confuse fear with nervous excitement, apprehension or a repressed curiosity.

Why do you feel have to justify going out wearing clothes you like? Who are you justifying this to? Who is asking you to justify yourself?

Is the worst case scenario as bad as you think it is? What will happen if somebody doesn't care for the clothes you're wearing? How does their opinion impact you, and your activities?

As for something a little more practical - if the situation allows, you might want to try dressing in whatever you want and binding at home.

Good luck

[Hikari]

Brainiac I really wish I had useful advice for you, I, myself am so paralysed by fear. I am afraid of moving forward, and I know moving backward doesn't work. Logically much of the fear is unfounded, after all the people who may cause harm to me from knowing such as my parents, I got rid of 11 years ago when I moved here. So for my entire teenage life, I could have told people and who knows where I would be now, but I was/am just so afraid.

Even now, I can think with my mind, that my wife wouldn't just leave if I told her. I cannot however, overcome the fear I have of letting that genie out of the bottle. I don't know about you but, for me it feels like keeping everything secret keeps me safe, and once it is known I no longer have control over that information and the for some reason frightens me. This is likely a consequence of never telling my parents about my TG feelings (or anything else of importance actually) I suppose keeping things to myself became my security blanket.

[brainiac]

Break'em down a little or a lot. And small steps at a time until you're confident to take larger steps.

Yeah, you're right. It's just sometimes hard to break down when it all seems so overwhelming. Oh, and your advice is also good for anyone who feels overwhelmed about anything.

My advice would be to stop telling yourself you're afraid. It's re-enforcing a pattern of thinking that you're obviously trying to free yourself from. By building up the expectation of fear, you're setting yourself up for fear.

I think your advice was really good, too, and actually a lot of the stuff you mentioned about questioning WHY I feel this way and what could happen is exactly what my therapist has been doing with me.

I think I've been pushing myself to do this experimenting publicly because it feels like it will make me feel better faster, but you're right-- I should try it at home first and try not to kill two birds with one stone when it's hard already.

I don't know about you but, for me it feels like keeping everything secret keeps me safe, and once it is known I no longer have control over that information and the for some reason frightens me. This is likely a consequence of never telling my parents about my TG feelings (or anything else of importance actually) I suppose keeping things to myself became my security blanket.

It definitely feels the same to me in a way... but that sure is one oppressive security blanket. I managed to scrape by for years, not knowing why it made me uncomfortable whenever someone tried to make me more feminine or made it clear they thought of me as a girl, but just ignoring the feeling because confronting anyone about it seemed much worse.

I think I had the chance to come to terms with my feelings much earlier. I remember asking my girlfriend at the time, "if I were a boy, would you still want to be with me?" She sharply said no and I dropped the subject. (And she identified as bi at the time, so it wasn't that... hell, she even turned out to be straight). I had also come out to my parents as bisexual a little earlier, and they laughed at me and told me I was either a lesbian or going through a phase, so I had to hide my relationship.

After that, living in the closet, ignoring any doubts about my gender identity, just felt normal. Every step I've taken in coming out--to myself, my boyfriend, strangers at a presentation-- has been full of fear that I would lose control of my life, and everyone who I loved would leave me.

But they haven't, so far. And I know that now that I've come to terms with this, if I don't change things, I can't be happy. And the steps I've taken, no matter how much I had to push myself to take them, have all confirmed to me that I'm doing the right thing.

I hope all of us can find a way to push through our fear.

[Rock_chick]

This is likely a consequence of never telling my parents about my TG feelings (or anything else of importance actually) I suppose keeping things to myself became my security blanket.

This is so true...I'd spent so much of my life compartmentalising all my emotions, constructing various versions of me it go to the point where i really found it hard to open up to anyone and lost my sense of self.

All I can say is it's a horrible thing to spend your life running away from yourself and I know that for me it leached a lot of enjoyment from my life. You are who you are, non of us can change it, all it takes is confidence to let the real you shine through, because I'm sure he's an awesome guy. For me what it took was telling a really close friend, after that things didn't feel so scary any more.

[skyler13]

i find it hard, to not care what other thinks and just be me.
thats what majourity of my life has been based around, and its certainly making this transition alot harder than i guess it needs to be.

im anxious everytime i walk out my front door. everytime im on the bus, i feel like people are looking at me, and someone will soon stand up and be like "your not a real boy, you never will be".. blah blah blah.

i know this is my life, and im living it for me, but its so hard some days to see it like that. for me, its feels equally selfish, than it does right. i feel selfish for doing this to my mother, expecially. i dunno man, im just rambling.

id like to give you answers, but i dont know the answers myself.