I made her cry, and it tears me up inside

[MyKa]

My mother had called me about an hour ago just checking in because i rarely make that call. One thing led to another and got on the conversation of my depression and how have i been. I didn't lie to her and say that everything is just peachy, i told her the truth about how i have been stuggling with suicidal thoughrs and that i don't want to live anymore. The thought of continuing on and dealing with the everyday struggles of life in general and also from the aspect of this curse that i am dealing with.

  The silence came and then the breakdown and i couldn't help but start crying myself for she was hungry for what was bothering me but i couldn't budge on that truth. I know taking my own life doesn't end the pain for it just generates a hole new level and then anger for the taking the easy way out.
  She knows i talk to a therapist, but i tell her it's only for depression and nothing else. She wanted the contact info to reach her and i asked her what good with that due? My therapist with not give out any info without my permission.

  After 40 minutes or so of her begging me not to do anything stupid i told her as of right now i wouldn't just to calm her down but knowing in the back of my mind that the thought is there 24/7. She called me back 15 minutes later wanting me to seek help tomorrow and turn myself over for a evaluation of my present train of thought. I am wondering if she can call somebody without me knowing and have me placed under someone's care until they see fit for my release, keep in mind i am over 18.

  I am sitting here typing this with tears sliding down my face knowing that there is someone probably still up across town wondering if they are going to get that call in the morning about their kid and the bad choice they ended up making the night before.

  I have told therapist my thoughts and about the decision's i have been contemplating and she tells me i need to get out and meet new people, people who are struggling with the same things that i am. I do isolate myself in this house unless when i am at the park, the one place were i do enjoy to spend my time when the weather is nice. I don't know what tomorrow will bring or the day after for that matter, i do know that all that i luved is gone and the struggle for taking that next breath of air or the next step in front of the next will be a challenge.

  I'm sorry mother for what i am putting you through..............................................

[Janet_Girl]

Not knowing your Mother or your relationship with her, maybe it is time to tell her the truth.  And why you are depressed.

Just a thought.  I just wish I could tell my folks, but they are both gone now.  I only hope they are smiling down on their daughter.

[MyKa]

We have never been really close, and alot of that is my fault. She always wished from a early age for me to open up to her and i never have. She mentioned tonight how she felt like such a byatch for some of the things that had happend when i was a child, like draging me to a "counselor" when i was about 8 or so. Never telling him how i felt inside. She is a great person with a very big heart whos is very lonely right now with my father gone across state on business.

[Janet_Girl]

Maybe it is the time for the Mother/Daughter talk.  She must have seen something back then.

[MyKa]

Thanks for the info, i guess i'll wait and see what tomorrow brings. Things are not easy right now, the depression, the eating disorder(balimia nervousa) whats next?

[Arch]

I wonder how many people on this site are engaged in the same struggle right now.

[rejennyrated]

I don't mean to be unsympathetic here, in fact quite the reverse because what you are going through seems horrible, but it really irks me that so many people on here seem to make the same basic mistake.

Because, for some reason that I can't even begin to comprehend, you convince yourselves that you can't tell your parents the truth, you repress your feelings, and that just aint healthy! Result - the angst and suffering finds all sorts of other ways out and you become depressed or anorexic or bulimic or generally self destructive in some other way.

The answer is simple honesty! I've seen it before hundreds of times. Once you start to address the real undelying issues all the "other" symptoms will start to improve.

And incidentally, before anyone says "well it's ok for you, who had sympathetic parents" I know there are some people whose parents do react badly, but the evidence is pretty strong that even those who do so usually later apologise and come around to support us.  Very rarely does it go so badly that the parent child relationship remains fractured forever.

So like Janet I would say absolutely "Time for honesty". I don't think you will get anywhere in sorting out your feelings until you can have that talk with mum. So do it soon!

Good luck.

[spacial]

Been reading through this thread and from the start, I had exactly the same thoughts as jenny.

You must be honest and tell her.

As for any referral to psychiatric services, that depends on where you are.

I know different states in the US have very different regulations. But I can also tell you that different areas will interpertate and impliment guidelines in different ways. So there is no way anyone here can advise you on this.

But you really need to just come out and tell your mom. If you can tell her you want to die, I really can't see how telling her why can be so much more difficult.