Battle the dysphoria, not yourself

[scarboroughfair]

I'm writing this to help those that may be battling dysphoria. I just want to point out that it's not about being true or untrue to myself.

Let me first say that I'm not saying all transgenders are like me, but I can guarantee I'm not alone on what I'm about to write!

I truly don't believe that I was born in the wrong body as I believed before. I think what I have been through is just a back lash of trauma that crushed my so to speak manhood.

I do appear to be very self obsessed and I probably am for that matter. The fact is I refuse to have my short time here on earth destroyed over things I clearly don't understand.

Do I still feel those feelings? I would be a liar if I said no!

My dysphoria has been cut back by atleast 70 percent. I still thinkabout dating guys and sometimes when talking to a man I feel crushed because I'm not a natural woman. But how I learned to handle this is to realize that what's inside of me is beyond my understanding and control and I turn it over to God. No I'm no religious person, just spiritual. In my heart of hearts there is no gender equation. But when I feel crushed because I'm not a natural girl, the pain only lasts moments and not days simply because I realize that most dysphoria for me was hard wired in the past by my entertaining those thoughts and pouring salt in my own wounds. I created my own hell and reality, nobody else did.

The key thing to remember is not to try or even attempt to belittle your feelings! You more than likely will never have an answer or even an absolution to this transgender dysphoria thing. You have to love yourself for you as you are now, I know it's hard to comprehend that! If someone said this stuff a year ago here on the forums I would have thought they were not being true to themselves! It's called denial, right? Well denial swings both ways. And for the thousands of other transgenders out there just like me, I don't buy it that they were born this way. I know that there are those that are born that way, I'm not discounting anyone! But for a better part of the community as a whole, it's all in the mind.

Why am I saying these things? To provoke thought! I learned how to fight rather than run or just give in to these feelings at face value. Again, I am still transgender. I'm just finding ways to let go of the dysphoria and misery and sharing my thoughts to those that are interested. I was creating my own reality by pandering to unrealistic ideas and concepts. "I don't have the money" was one good reason to find a way out! But it goes much deeper than that. Through a lot of self honesty and exploration I came to realize I had to love myself as a person and a soul, not for what I have or don't have. I knew peace could exist.

I got a question, please don't take this the wrong way! You have to be honest with yourself even if you never respond to this thread.

If you was very ugly to the world and had absolutely no feminine features to your body but did have all the money in the world to get a sex change, would you be happy then?

It's all about this trapped woman right? I asked myself this question and I would be 80 percent less likely to have a sex change if I didn't have the looks to go with it. That honest answer to myself leads me to believe it's just a fetish along with a stew of psychological damage to my man hood among other things. You know, I'm not buying this so easily anymore.

The lies and fables I told myself over the years, the entertaining of these thoughts hard wired my mind for a destiny. I even came to realize that when things went wrong in my life I deliberately ran to my feminine side for comfort and strength! Ever heard of the term "Alter ego"? I've heard a few transgenders use this expression. Funny thing is, in my quest for happiness and self improvement I wanted to find a way to destroy me ego. Not my alter ego, I'll get to that in a minute.

I became very vain and self centered as a mechanism to protect my heart. I had to be the center of attention! I thought I was better and smarter than everyone else! You know what? I'm not! I was disgusted with this thought process and was determined to destroy it. After some research I found a great website that speaks of ego! And one of the traits of someone who has an ego is they invent or reinvent their self image! MY GOD! THAT'S ME! Through a lot of thinking and self honesty I came to realize that most of this female stuff within me is created by me.

I've had a rough life like most others, too much to list! But it all centers around "If I was a girl, things could have been different".

When I say destroy my ego, I mean the "Better than everyone else" attitude. I have no intentions of destroying my female side, how ever. As I continue down the path of self honesty and happiness, it's not out of the question to let these transgender feelings go! God changes us a little bit at a time, the mind can't handle large changes all at once! Trust me on this! If one seeks truth and justice, they will prevail. My pursuit of truth and justice is the meaning of life beyond what everybody else is doing. So I'm not a girl physically, so what. I know what I feel inside despite how others view me and in the end it's my opinion of self and personal growth that matters.

Something else I want to add to this thread before closing!

I got drunk a lot of weekends and would write some off the wall stuff. Those who know me here know that to be true! lol

The thing is, when I was drunk, I was completely open minded and honest without knowing it! I wrote this one blog post called "You can't hurt me anymore". It was about woman that had hurt me through out my life, and I said in that post "You can't hurt me anymore because I am you".

I also wrote about my story without realizing I was answering my own qusetions through my drunken writing! I wrote a lot about my female feelings and said in my writing that this woman was manifested! DUH! HELLO! Wake up scarboroughfair! In the end and the date of this post here on the forum? Half of my life is over. I give up trying to find answers to things there is no answer to and realize it is what it is. I won't destroy these feelings, but their destruction through enlightenment is not out of the question. I love me for me though I'm not perfect and still cry once in awhile over this woman with in me. But the pain is moments rather than days, weeks and months.

Below is a few past writings if you care to read them, they're the one's I'm referring to in this thread. By the way, I almost successfully committed suicide about 10 months ago, which is why I'm forced to deal with my problems and face them especially transgender dysphoria. It's either sink or swim, it's in our hands to change our outlook and reality! ooxx

You can't hurt me anymore!


Beyatch! You no longer have it within your power to stomp my heart! Because I am you! I embody everything that is pure you cannot acquire. You can't hurt me anymore because I have permanently taken that power away from you! I am better than you! I am the left over goods that some seek that you have long ago abandoned with your god damned independence! You can't break my heart when you look at me with those lying eyes and cheating heart anymore, because I am you! The difference is, I won't hurt my mate the way you do! They always say it takes a special breed, well you just met your match beyatch! A storms ah brewing! As I lie coughing up blood and chunks of my broken heart, I swear I will do better than you! I have that touch you will never have, so go on and play your games while I collect the beautiful souls that truly want love. oooxxx 



11-1-2008

WE'LL BUILD A WALL NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE         

My entire life I've manufactured my own dreams for the apparent reason of keeping my heart above the depression waterline. I built a wall so high, I sometimes wonder if I could have the strength to climb to the top.

One simple thing, I'll build a wall where no one else can see. Of all that I saw in my lifetime, all the personal things I have experienced and what I have seen others go through, is it any wonder why I choose to remain locked safely behind my wall?! I walk through the city streets sometimes dancing and singing like a rock star, other times I just keep to myself getting lost in my own world constantly seeking what I can be and how I can be better at everything I do! I walk to see the world, I walk to stay fit, I walk to see the fires in the sky.

The streets can be a very lonely place as I see strangers shuffling along minding their own business seemingly locked behind their own wall! Some with angry faces, some with a fake smile, others look like they want to break down and cry. Can't I make a difference?

I guess I should say "we" will build a wall, Caution I believe is the product of heart break and misery, not the cause. Caution is my wall, whenever I get hurt I run to her and she always has a way of putting a smile on my face! Every day I learn more about myself, and this is one of those things I have found. I cannot and will not attempt to destroy Caution; she is my world and my refuge. I can lay my head upon her breast and feel her breathing as she rubs her fingers gently through my
hair telling me everything will be all right, just leave it to me. In a world full of lunatics and crazy people, I don't feel I'm one of that breed. I am merely trying to fight for my own survival and sanity, which is how Caution in some back handed way was manifested.

My whole life I've engulfed my mind in music and fantasy! That's all I had. I never really completely gave myself to my wife as I am too over protective of my heart. 21 years of marriage and my wife does not have me 100 percent, I know, that's sad, but I don't know how to begin to even let her in! Is the damage already done?

I never meant to hurt her by doing my own thing; I was always independent and lost within the realm of a reality that I created. Yet, I often feel that I could not live without her. I don't believe that I will ever change my view in life as far as self protection and self preservation goes whether it is physical or emotional.

I guess people like myself have different ways of processing things in life that seemingly create a destiny! But nothing is impossible to change or tweak!

(2-26-2008)

[Just Kate]

You share a lot of the same ideas that I do, but with a different twist.  I would love to go into more detail and actually show you piece by piece where I agree and where I differ, but it is too late tonight.  You definitely seem like someone in a good place with your GID - we should compare notes.
Post Merge: March 24, 2010, 12:24:34 AM
Ok, let's try this out.  Author quotes italicized.


I truly don't believe that I was born in the wrong body as I believed before. I think what I have been through is just a back lash of trauma that crushed my so to speak manhood.

I too do not believe I was born into the wrong body - I just believe I have a brain that tells me I was.  My genetics and chromosomes seem to indicate "healthy male" for the most part, even if my brain is screaming otherwise.  I feel it far more likely to be a male with an defunct brain then a female with a defunct set of chromosomes.  How I developed that defunct brain I'm not entirely sure, but I believe it to fit the diathesis-stress model of psychological disorder - there is a biological component that predisposes one to a condition, but the actual trigger for the condition is the environment.


I do appear to be very self obsessed and I probably am for that matter. The fact is I refuse to have my short time here on earth destroyed over things I clearly don't understand.

Do I still feel those feelings? I would be a liar if I said no!

As do I - how I deal with those feelings is what is important - not that I have them.


My dysphoria has been cut back by atleast 70 percent. I still thinkabout dating guys and sometimes when talking to a man I feel crushed because I'm not a natural woman.

My dysphoria is also cut back thankfully, though I could say the same while I was in transition.  Both then and now I am DOING something to combat the dysphoria even if the tactics I've undertaken to do so have changed.


But when I feel crushed because I'm not a natural girl, the pain only lasts moments and not days simply because I realize that most dysphoria for me was hard wired in the past by my entertaining those thoughts and pouring salt in my own wounds. I created my own hell and reality, nobody else did.

I have found this to be the case with me and also in my observation of others.  We get so focused on everything that is wrong we cannot see what is right.  We perpetuate the very thing we want most to be rid of by dwelling on it rather than focusing on the hope that it will not last forever.  I remember being at my worst at a time I felt I could do nothing at all to stop it having closed all my avenues of combating it.  This lead me to transition in the end as a last ditch effort.  I didn't realize how short sighted I was back then though - only the pain motivated me so I couldn't see clearly that I had other options.


The key thing to remember is not to try or even attempt to belittle your feelings!

Isn't that the truth.  The answer is not denial, it is integration.  We must recognize the feelings exist and not belittle them.  Doing so might empower you for a while, but ultimately will only come back to bite you worse later.  This was probably the single biggest mistake that I made which lead to the greatest unhappiness.


You more than likely will never have an answer or even an absolution to this transgender dysphoria thing. You have to love yourself for you as you are now, I know it's hard to comprehend that!

That is so tough to hear but very pivotal.  I've heard it said here many times before in different contexts but ultimately it is true if not very hard to explain how it is true.

Okay, more later maybe.

[Silver]

I will consider this. I seem to have tripped and fallen into a pit of angst/depression/dysphoria. Just have to keep in mind: "you do the best you can with what you've got."

Have to accept it somewhat. But I still intend to transition. Or at least, focus on the reality of it being very possible (something I didn't expect, but is awesome.)

[Asfsd4214]

I know fully well that I was 'supposed' to be a boy. In the sense that anyone with a Y chromosome is supposed to develop into a male. But whatever the reason, I'm here now, and I can't imagine what I would be like if I hadn't been born the way I was (which is to say, if I had been born perceiving myself as male). And it sucks, the whole situation sucks, but nothing on this earth could convince me to live as a male. I would honestly, truly rather be dead.

All I really have to contribute to this thread is I think people need to be careful not to project their views onto other people. Other people might not appreciate it. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't have those views, you have every right too, and I certainly have a lot of views that would probably get me thrown out of susans.org if I said what I think. The difference is I don't, because if other people want to believe something different to me, who am I to tell them they're wrong?

[cynthialee]

I am with Ashley on this one.

[Dana_W]

It's all about this trapped woman right? I asked myself this question and I would be 80 percent less likely to have a sex change if I didn't have the looks to go with it.

I think that part is pretty crucial. It's a good question for anyone considering transition to ask themself.

I know I asked it of myself and it had the completely opposite effect. "Would I rather continue my life as an attractive man, or an ugly woman?" I concluded I couldn't live another day as a man and the attractiveness didn't matter. However I wanted to make a go of even if I would always be an ugly woman. In fact I got a feeling of relief just imagining it. Sure... I wouldn't be catching the eye of any hot stud, but I would get treated like a woman all the same. People might think of me as someone's mom or grandma rather than look at me like some young model on the loose. But you know, that sounded pretty good to me. It still does. And the contrary option... staying as a man... still feels like death to me.

It's important to realize that not everyone motivated to consider transition is coming from the same place. What is a life saver to a transsexual could really screw up another transgendered person. And vise versa.

[Nicky]

I never really thought about that question. I just have done what I felt I needed to do.

Would I have even thought about transitioning if I had known the pain and all the hard work I would go through? Maybe not. I would have hesitated for a lot longer. Do I regret it now? Certainly not. Life is better, richer, fuller. I don't have to fight at all, and that is a beautiful thing. I would not trade away all the sacrifices I had to make for even 1% of my dysphoria. 

I think your reaction to being ugly is a separate thing to whether you live as the woman you are or not. It just happens you are more afraid of being an ugly woman than not ever being able to live as the woman you are.

Just another perspective for you. As a guy I looked like a terribly ugly woman, I was such and ugly woman I did not even look like one at all, it could only get better from there.

[Jasmine.m]

People might think of me as someone's mom or grandma rather than look at me like some young model on the loose. But you know, that sounded pretty good to me. It still does. And the contrary option... staying as a man... still feels like death to me.

Recently, I found myself talking to a drag queen after her show and we were talking about cross dressing and performing and life in general. She established right away that she had no intention of transitioning, ever. I asked her about her future plans. She responded with something that had a truly profound impact on me, "Sure this is my life now, but I don't want to be an old man sitting around in a dress". That's when I knew I was much more then just a cross dresser, because quite honestly, I don't want to be an old man in a dress either... But I would be ever so happy to be an old *lady* sitting around in a dress.

Transition is for life. Even when you're like 80. If you can't see yourself as an old lady, then it's probably not for you.

[Seshatneferw]

because quite honestly, I don't want to be an old man in a dress either... But I would be ever so happy to be an old *lady* sitting around in a dress.

Heh, a similar thing hit me at the opera some time this winter. I don't want to be a man (old or not) in a suit, but I don't mind at all being a woman in a suit. Considering my real life as a breech role works so much better: I'm not a man but rather a woman playing the part of one. What's more, since I'm 'playing a part' instead of 'pretending to be' there's no need to hide this.

Of course, that only takes care of the gender aspects of the dysphoria, there's still a whole set of sex-related issues...

  Nfr

[SarahFaceDoom]

My feeling is that how could I be anyone but me. 

That dysphoria exists I think is more of a comment on the limited options available to self-expression within the mainstream of our society. 

I wouldn't feel half as bad about my body, if I didn't have to jump through brick walls just to be who I want to be without discrimination and hate.

[Dianna]

I'm just me, I don't use most of this terminology.

[alexia elliot]

Wow, OK, where do I begin? Quite profound and yet I am left with an empty feeling. On one side you can say, Hay, you have been dealt set of genes and that is that. On the other, anything is possible in the realm of endless possibility.
Who ever didn't want to be pretty, and I am not just saying nice looking but underlying good looks is much deeper need everyone of us shares, and that is, acceptance. One of the most basic ingredients of human society, weather we like it or not, belonging, acceptance are as necessary to feeling fulfilled as air is to breathing. Yes, I want to be gorgeous, and no it isn't vain or selfish, it simply is being accepted. Is the drive to become a woman self inflicted fantasy, if jumping of the cliff in order to get to the bottom faster is one, than yes. I would never in thousand life times wish this on anyone. Confusion, self hate, disformed reality, thoughts of suicide, how can anyone grow up to be a wholesome adult? We are all striving for equilibrium. In fact as we know, everything and every organism strives to achieve it. With thoughts of femininity and feeling of womanhood we want to reach that illusive feeling. Most of it because we are woman just not looking like one. Then some are half woman half man, well there choice gets complicated, and that's where I fit. Guess where all the Greek mythology bases their half man half whatever, this stuff has been here for ever, we are not the only ones in turmoil. 

[BunnyBee]

I think it is a simple matter of just letting peace be your guide.  There is no one-size-fits-all answer, we all must find our own way.  I think you understand that, and I'm glad for that.  It is interesting that the very thought processes you say have helped you, lead me right to death's door.  Yet the path that lead me back out was the same one that lead you in.

[tekla]

Someone used to warn me about people around me who were 'worshiping the quicksand I was walking on' - seems apt.  One persons way to bliss and happiness is the road to perdition for someone else.

The thing is, when I was drunk, I was completely open minded and honest without knowing it!

The Romans, who knew a thing or two about getting drunk said: In vino veritas.  Though the most likely took it from the Greeks, who also know something about getting plastered.  I kind of like the way James McMurtry put it:
well, I hadn't intended
to bend the rules
but whiskey don't make liars
it just makes fools
so I didn't mean to say it
but I meant what I said

[ativan]

One persons way to bliss and happiness is the road to perdition for someone else.

The thing is, when I was drunk, I was completely open minded and honest without knowing it!

I kind of like the way James McMurtry put it:
well, I hadn't intended
to bend the rules
but whiskey don't make liars
it just makes fools
so I didn't mean to say it
but I meant what I said

The point....       and I meant what I said, even though I didn't mean to say it the way I did.