Ups and Downs

[insideontheoutside]

I'm pretty ok with myself (the up), but the one person that can totally take me down is my mom. And I know she doesn't mean to, but she's been totally clueless for most of my life about the simple fact that she doesn't really have a daughter - she has a son. A few years ago I kind of came to the realization that even when I was younger she just thought I was in a "phase". She was just humoring me because otherwise I would pitch a giant fit (yes, there were isolated "dress incidents" that always ended in fights or tears).

So tonight I'm on instant message with her and she sent me a link on vegetables. I thought it was some good info so I said, "I bookmarked that" and then she said, "good girl" . . .

Let me just break from the rest of that for a sec and have a little rant about that particular phrase, "good girl". Personally, whether I'm acting the female part or being myself, few gender-related phrases irritate me and really just piss me off more than that one. Even when I was a kid I thought to myself that was something along the lines of, "good dog!" Seriously. It's like two little words that are so debasing and derogatory to me if you're not a small child. The last time it super offended me was when I was in this parenting class and they were showing a video of a women giving birth and the doctor actually said, "Push! That's a good girl!" I seriously almost stood up and said WTF! If I were in that women's place I would have drop kicked that doctor. Am I totally out of my mind? I just really can't deal with "good girl". It's like you're some small little baby girl who needs an adult to tell them they didn't spill their sippy cup ... GOOD GIRL! gah.

Ok so I can't for the life of me understand why my mom uses that phrase too. Barring the fact that she will just never get I'm trapped in this body, she's a women and she doesn't see how that phrase is belittling to an adult? I would seriously never say that to a female who was like under the age of 6.

[confused]

yeah this phrase is absulotely irritating to me too , you said it better than i can ever explain . although no one says that to me irl ofc (bio-male here -_-) but it makes me kinda angry when someone says it in a chat or  a game or whatever . usually i respond by a simple "shhh" or "stop that" or just totally ignore the whole thing
mothers usually have a magical power to make us feel bad no matter how old we were weather they meant it or not, it's just a gift that nature or karma gave them maybe to compensate for taking care of us as babies idk , i still havnt found a solution to evade that mysterious magical gift =/

[Fencesitter]

How about answering your mom with "thanks, good girl" next time she uses that phrase?

[Elijah3291]

I cant help you much, but my mother also uses "good girl!" for me and 'good boy!' for my brothers.

I get the 'dog' thing, I tell my cat 'good boy!' when he poops in his litterbox lol.  It can be offensive. and yes, I hate hate hate when my mom says good GIRL to me, drives me crazy

[insideontheoutside]

Oh yeah, "good boy" is pretty much the same thing. If you're actually a small boy ... or it's said to a pet, perfectly fine. If you're an adult it's just like ugh.

I should try bustin' a "good girl" out on my mom and see how she likes it! lol

And yeah, moms do have an uncanny ability to just get to you!

[ilanthefirst]

When I came out to my mom, that was the first thing she dropped, without me even complaining about that one in particular, and I've really appreciated not having to hear it anymore.  Have you told your mom specifically that that phrase drives you nuts? 

[insideontheoutside]

When I came out to my mom, that was the first thing she dropped, without me even complaining about that one in particular, and I've really appreciated not having to hear it anymore.  Have you told your mom specifically that that phrase drives you nuts?

Yeah, I don't think she even "hears" it really

[Farm Boy]

I don't usually get this from my mom, but I do occasionally get it from doctors.   I also find it demeaning.  I'd suggest telling her that you're not a dog. 

[Alexmakenoise]

Phrases like that really aggravate me.  Until I was about 25, I worked in retail, and customers used to call me "Little missy".  I have no idea why.  Maybe I looked young.  Also, certain people I worked with took to calling me "Miss [my birth name]".  That REALLY bothered me because it sounded condescending, and it seemed that they knew me well enough to get the sense that I might not appreciate it.  But it would have come across as pretty lame to say anything about it, so I didn't say anything.  I am so glad I don't have to put up with that anymore.

[Radar]

Also, certain people I worked with took to calling me "Miss [my birth name]".  That REALLY bothered me because it sounded condescending...

Did you live in the US South or were they from there? That's just something they do here, it's not meant to be offensive. Heck, I do it a few times too.

[ilanthefirst]

I think it's very different when a family member calls someone a gendered term like "good girl" than when someone they don't know like a doctor or coworker does it.  Frankly, I think it's even more inappropriate!  I think they do it in an effort to make you feel they're familiar in an effort to gain your trust (makes sense for doctors and coworkers at least), but it's so cheap and phony even if it is widespread.  I get really annoyed at people who don't know me at all (store employees when I'm the customer, people waiting for the same bus, etc.) using familiar sorts of names like "honey" or "sweetie".  I know I look quite young, whether I'm read as male or female, but do cis-guys who look 13-15 get the same thing?  Somehow I think not.  )-:<  Still, for some reason, being "ma'am"-ed bothers me even more than being "miss"-ed.  /-:

[Alexmakenoise]

Did you live in the US South or were they from there? That's just something they do here, it's not meant to be offensive. Heck, I do it a few times too.

No offense taken.       This was in Maine, and they were from Maine.  It's not common around here.  The people who started it were gay guys, which is only relevant because maybe it's a gay culture thing?

[Mr. Fox]

Parents do things to infantilize their adult children all the time, so I can understand it a little more from someone's mother, although it's still irritating.  But a doctor?  Seriously, shut up and die, doctor.  And any protestations a woman giving birth made would be dismissed ("oh, ha ha, those labor pains sure make her cranky!")

[Papillon]

Speaking as a parent, it is sometimes really difficult for us to adjust our perceptions of our children at the same rate at which they grow and develop (which is incomprehensibly fast).  So, we do sometimes fall into the trap of seeing and treating our offsrping as tiny kids when really they aren't.  We don't mean to offend by it.  It is just a parental time slip.

And I am in my 40s and yet my (very aged) father called me "good girl" only last week.  I responded by flagging it up to him (he hadn't even realised he'd said it) and then explaining how that made me feel and asking him if he would try and avoid that phrase in the future.  He fully understood and agreed that it was inappropriate.  I give him four weeks before he forgets all about it and says it again.  *sigh*  You can only try.

But, yes, anyone who is not your parent and uses the phrase "good girl"deserves a strong talking-to.

[Tad]

People didn't really start using that phrase on me still I started pushing harder at transitioning.. now people throw in as many femine pronouns as they can.. like good girl. It pisses me off.. but they aren't doing it to be mean.. so.. meh