Confused!
Welcome to Susan's! We all are confused at one time or another. It's completely understandable.
Let's take your questions one by one:
Quote1- i have a very strong urge to be a woman , and wish that i was born one. although i don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body
If transsexuality could so easily be diagnosed as the classic "Woman in a man's body" we would have a lot less confusion. Many, myself included, could not so easily explain their discomfort in such a well defined manner. I grew up without knowing such terms or even thinking that. I felt an overall discomfort with my body that I characterized as feeling like I had my shoes on the wrong feet but all over my body. Some don't even have it that well defined. So just because you don't have such well defined feelings does not directly define you as transsexual or not. Truly the only real diagnosis that is of any real worth would be from having sessions with a gender trained therapist. They can help you sort out your feelings and help you come to an understanding of what you feel, and help you deal with it.
Quote2- i never felt attracted to a guy and if i was a woman i would be extremely lesbian
There is a difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, gender identity is about how you view yourself. Also, as others have commented, sexual attraction can become somewhat, er, fluid if you decide to transition and you may or may feel an attraction to men. Don't let that worry you. I still consider myself quite a dedicated lesbian, but since I transitioned, there are the occasional male frames that catch my eye. It's not really all that relevant when dealing with gender identity.
Quote3- i really do hate guys , although i can socialize with them more than well , but i just pretend to like hanging around with them , and since i was a child most of my friends have been girls , even all my play mates were girls
It sounds like you are attempting to create a male persona because you have a male body, but you are not particularly interested in "manly" things. This is part of some of the coping skills we have to deal with. Many have taken up quite dangerous masculine activities such as military service and law enforcement in an attempt to "man up" and prove to themselves that they aren't what they know themselves to be.
Quote4- i know a sex change operation would never manage to make me a real girl because , it's impossible to have things like a uterus and so . and neither me or other people will ever going to see me as a genuine woman , so that is not what i want
The transformational surgeries cannot make your body fertile, true. The surgeries can help bring your body and your mind into alignment. That is one of the things that torment us so. We know ourselves to be female (if we are MTF, for example) but our bodies do not reflect what we have within. But it can help with your integration into society as the gender you know yourself to be. But remember, many women cannot have children. This is a loss that we all have to deal with. And what is a *genuine* woman? There are many, many components to gender and only one of them regards genetics. It's what's between your ears, and not what's between your legs that counts. So before you completely discount transition or surgery, give some thought to what you are and who you want to be.
Quote5- i really really don't know what to do about that urge , and i can't fight it , and can't do anything about it , but it's like driving me crazy , whenever i'm alone i imagine i'm a female and try to dress up like a female and make sure then when i look in the mirror i see a nice looking girl not a guy dressing like a girl
This is partly why it's called Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). The dissonance between what you know yourself to be and what your body shows creates discomfort. It can lead to clinical depression, loss of self worth, and self destructive behavior. Too many of us have take a permanent solution to a temporary problem because of this. Please if these feelings turn dark and destructive, please, please seek help. It can get very difficult to bear this blessing-inside-a-curse.
Quote6- i know i talk about it too much , but i just really need help , and even don't know what i want , but it's like agony here , i wish i could explain it
You've explained it quite well. Know that you are not alone. What you are feeling is something that binds us together here. You are among friends here. Welcome, my sister! This is a place to talk about your feelings and your fears and your losses and your accomplishments. You are loved. You are not crazy, you are not alone. Though you must walk this path by yourself, you have many who will be with you along your way on your journey.
Quotei guess my basic question is , what does that make me? and how to solve this problem? and is there a way to just forget all this?
it's not an option where i come from to go to sex therapy or anything like this , well it is an option but not an option for me , because i'll never find the guts to talk about it and never can explain it . please help , i really don't even know what i want
What does this make you? Human. As scared and confused as any of us. Welcome to the club.
Unfortunately, there really isn't a way to forget this, or purge these feelings. At least no one yet has found a way. You can purge and suppress for a period of time, but sooner or later the feelings will come back and many times more powerful than before. Purging and suppression can be a viable alternative, but realize that it is a ticking time bomb.
Actually you have taken the first step in talking about it. You found the guts to come here. Small steps, but it is progress! And if you decide that you can deal with your feelings anonymously here, so be it. We are NOT therapists. We have had NO training. We do not deal in any explanation of hormone dosages or recommend self medication. Hormones are very dangerous to deal with and require blood tests and a physician to interpret the results. But we are here together. We support each other and we will support you.
Welcome!
-Sandy
