My GF wants to transition and I don't think I could be more worried

[Tozzle]

About me:
I'm nearly 35 and identify as a gay female and am pretty much comfortable with who I am and my identity.  All of my significant relationships have been with women.

What's going on:
I've been with my gf for just under a year and have know from the start she's gender queer.  That's never been an issue.  However, more recently she's been saying she's trans and about a week and a half ago the idea of her going through transition hit with all the subtlety of a 48 tonne truck.  Emotionally I'm all over the place.  She's been reading ftm blogs, looking up surgery options, researching the effects of T and has pretty much selected what she does and doesn't want with the ease of someone choosing from a menu in a restaurant.  I've been doing a great deal of research of my own too and to be honest it's not helping a great deal as the information I really really need seems to be pretty hard to come by.

I'd really really like to hear from other women who identify as gay and how they came to terms with their gf's desire to transition (and ultimately their transition).  My problem here is that I don't find men attractive.  I don't find body hair attractive.  I don't want a penis in my bed.  Really, if i wanted to be with a man I'd be with a man.  Now though, to have the woman I love tell me she would rather be a man is a bit like being dumped without actually being dumped.  It's like I'm grieving the loss of a person I haven't actually lost.  We only moved in together last November and I did so thinking this was a great relationship and it was going to one that would last.  Now it feels like there was an earthquake in the centre of my world and everything I thought we had is under threat.

She says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me.  I don't want to lose her either but that's not something I get to choose, really.  She will do whatever she needs to do.  I'm being honest with her and being open and talking about me feelings and she accepts it's a transition for me as much as for her.  At the same time as saying she wants a man's body she also says she'll be the same person inside.  Then she says she's actually a straight man.  I'm certainly not a straight woman though.  What does this mean for out relationship?  Then she says she doesn't feel like a man at all, but just wants the outward appearance of being one and she's not going to behave like a bio-man, she's going to be her own unique brand of queer.  So many of the blogs I've read of ftm's talk about how they would prefer to completely forget about their past existences as women - I just don't know how you can write off that entire portion of your life (my gf is 34).  And then she says she doesn't want to transition at all and maybe there's another way and that she needs to research other ways of expressing her own gender without going through hormonal and surgical transition.  In all my ftm research so far only two people have said if you're in any doubt is probably best not to do it - many of the others glamorise transition and are more of a shop window of egoism than a place to find balanced information.  I don't think she's daft enough to be 'sold' a lifestyle though and whatever she does she'll do with her eyes open after a great deal of thought and research.  But also I can see for myself writing it out like this she's also dealing with a fair bit of confusion.

She's got a GP appointment on Tuesday and from there is hoping to be referred to a gender specialist.  And so it begins.  I'm not saying that transition is an easy process or one that people take lightly, but there seems to be a huge bias of support towards those transitioning and not really very much at all for those of us trying to come to terms with it as an SO - I sure am glad I found this place.

As I'm writing this I'm shedding what must be about my 15th bucket load of tears this week.  I simply do not know if I'm coming or going.  As I mentioned my partner knows what I'm going through as, although she's been pretty up front from the start, it's not been until now the full realisation of our situation has hit me.  She says that maybe she won't do anythig with transition and I've asked her if she's being honest with me and not thinking one thing and telling me what she thinks I want to hear.  She says she is and I'm as up-to-date as she is with her thinking and intentions.  Worse than starting to base our relationship on  lies would be the idea that, if she really really needs to do this, she's not because of me.  I can't be so selfish as to determine how she spends her life.  I'd hate for the idea for her to grow to resent me because she feels I'm stopping her.  I'm not as it's been that's suggested she see a specialist counsellor to work out what it is exactly she is and how to be happy with herself.  I love her to bits and will try to support her as much as I can, but both of us know there may come a point where I can go no further as her lover.

I've been chatting about it with an mtf friend and she's been able to offer me some useful advice and support, but as much as she's trying she's not completely in my shoes.

It feels better to have got some of this off my chest and really do hope you can find the time to write back.

Best wishes,

Ali

[cynthialee]

Hello.
I am not quite the person you are looking for, but we do have some similarities. My natal female wife is transitioning to a more androgynous state and she is ussing T. Eventualy my mate will look for all intents and purposes as a male.
I am a male to female and lucky for our relationship I am also bisexual.
My mate revealed the need to transition about 2 months after I started mine.
I would rathere she did not do it but I understand gender dysphoria so I will not stand in her way.
Your girlfriend boyfriend will still be the same person inside. The same memories and the same ideals. I know you identify as a lesbian and having a man in your life complicates that but are you in love with this person in your life? Can you see past the flaw of manhood to continue this relationship.
For me it is a non starter I am not putting up a stink about my mates transition. I did say for better or worse and in sickness and health....Besides what kind of hypocrit would that make me?
Tough choice and I sympathize with a hard descision.
Hugs
Cynthia Lee

[Tozzle]

Hi Cynthia Lee,

Thanks for your message.

Yes, I am in love with my partner.  With every fibre of my being. 

I'm not a misandrist by any means,  I don't see manhood as a flaw, but the people i choose to share my bed with have so far been female.  And there are traits in men that I don't find nice, let alone attractive.  I also know there are some traits in women I don't find nice either!!

In more rational moments I can see that if my partner does transition she will not come to embody 'men' as a generic group. She will still be the person I fell in love with, just different and there's the paradox.  Right now is she pretty much, on the inside, as she wants to be and the changes will be more external things?  Or should I expect her to change on the inside too?  Is she doing the best she can to get by as she is now, but inside there's a completely different person trying to get out?  This is related very much to what you say about her 'still being the same person inside with the same memories and ideals'.

I note you correct my terms (gf instead of bf) - I haven't been asked yet to use any other terms, I'm not just blindly carrying with what I know regardless of her wishes.  When she gets to that point then I'll do the necessary.  Or is that selfish? I was brought up to be considerate and anticipate the need to do things without being asked.  Should I just be doing it without needing to be asked?   And I think I know the answer - I should probably talk to her about it 

There's more to this too.  I'm worried about the physical side of things.  Our relationship is pretty intimate -  I know where i am with her, how to touch her, how to be with her.  I can't imagine being sat at the computer with a boyfriend and having him drape his legs over mine.  I can't imagine a man being happy to be ridden around on the back of his girlfriend's motorbike.  And I'm probably falling into the trap *again* of projecting "generic man" onto things and not keeping my faith in what we've built up together.

I imagine some of the things I'm saying are myths for some and truths for others.  I'm not immediately looking to make a choice, although if I'm honest that choice is already made - I love her, I want to support her.  I love being in this relationship.  But, being only human, I am a bit all over the place with it at the moment!

Cheers,

Ali

[PaulyD]

Hey Tozzle,

I'm not completely well versed in all of this, but my "gf"/boyfriend is going through his transition as well, we've been together for two years and a few months short of two years is when he came out to me. I also identify as gay/lesbian, and still do I just consider him the exception. I'm still learning a ton, and Adjusting to a ton, Im by no means completely comfortable with it all but I'm getting there, and hearing from others has helped tremendously. I'm always around here so shoot me a message and we can chat, also Im on youtube and there's some amazing resources on therebetter than Ive ever found anywhere else. Check out a youtube channel called TmatesFTM Im not sure if I was allowed to say that but ya anyways check i out and feel free to message me. I'd be more than happy to chat about the subject.

-Stacey

[cynthialee]

With my mate although I have always been bisexual I have not had a boyfriend since I was 15.
All my realtionships have been with women. Men to me were a minor diversion to be enjoyed and cast away.
I am having to adjust to my mate becoming more male in attitude and emotional response. Male humor is seemingly creeping into hir pysche'.
I am haveing to learn how to adjust to so much male energy coming from my once ubber girly mate, but Sevan is truely the same person inside. Yes the emotions are harder to get to come out and the jokes are getting crass but s/he still knows what I like and dislike. We still complete eachothers sentances and when I feel Sevans growing muscles holding me I feel safe.
Good luck,
Cynthia Lee

[PaulyD]

@Cynthia Lee,

I find that I dont so much have to adjust to the "male attitude" or jokes because Davis was NEVER girly lol, buut he's gettin more comfortable in the male role so thats the only adjustment as far as attitude i seem to be facing.