Help, who am I?

[itestit]

Hi everyone,
Since I have some gender related issues and I can't seem to find anyone who is or has been in specifically  the same mental situation I'm in now, I'd decided to post on this forum. Since my puberty I had a lot of sexual fantasies in which I was the woman (I'm a male btw). At first I just thought it was a some kind of strange fetish I had and I tried quitting and being like the other normal boys, which of course didn't happen. Recently however I discovered the term  ->-bleeped-<-, which fits me perfectly. Besides me being an  ->-bleeped-<-c, I like putting make-up on and dressing me as a women. This used to make me think that I am a ->-bleeped-<- and I quit doing this because it wasn't normal. But recently I started again and it makes me quite happy. Although I don't see a women in the mirror, which is quite depressing, I enjoy doing it and I seem too long for it during the days when I can't do it. These two things are the biggest aspects that I have that might indicate that I'm in need of a transition.
While reading some personal stories of mtf transgendered/transsexual people I noticed that a lot of them said that they always felt like a girl who was trapped inside a male body ever since they could remember. This is something I don't have. Although I didn't (and still don't) have these feelings, I do remember that I had a lot of respect for transsexual women when I saw them on television. Another thing I remember from my childhood was that I learned to stop doing things that were a bit to feminine, because I was afraid of being bullied. Till today I'm afraid of doing things that are bit to feminine, because I'm afraid to be ridiculed. Even now I don't feel like a women, although there are scarce moments I feel very feminine.
Another typical thing (or at least I think so) for mtf transgendered/transsexual people is that they dislike doing things that are very manly. This is something I can partially recognize myself in. Although I don't like to do very typical things for males like soccer, fitness, etc. I do like to go out with my buddies and go wild. Other things I like that are quite manly are: the male humor and metal music. I'm really considering if I should undergo HRT, SRS, etc. , but I'm still too afraid of not fitting in with the women and not being passable. I'm especially afraid of the social part of being female. Since most women don't like me and I seem to think that a lot of women my age are just concerned with their looks.
Because of all these things I just typed I'm very confused and I'd like to hear about people who were/are in the same situation I'm now in. Maybe then I might know if I'm a crossdresser or possibly a future transgenderist/transsexual...
I know that going to a therapist is the right thing to do, but I'm still too scared of coming out, that's why I'd like to get some advice from the people on this forum.

(Btw sorry if I made some mistakes while typing the text. English isn't my mother language.)

[Janet_Girl]

To start with, you need to find a gender therapist to help you explore those feelings.  They are a great help.

Secondly, even if you are a cross dresser, aka ->-bleeped-<-, there is nothing wrong with that.  It is only society that views it as something abnormal.  But then again it also sees Homosexuality as abnormal and it has been proven that homosexuality is very much a normal thing, just as Transvestism is normal.

And being Transgendered/Transsexual is very much a normal part of being human.  Many Transpeople don't realize that they are Trans till later in life.  Some of us have know for a long time, but it does not matter when you come to that self realization, what matters is that you do something about  it.

And your English is quite good. 

[itestit]

Thanks for the advise Janet, I hope that more people are willing to give me advise that'll help me find my true self or help me to come at ease with myself.

[Barbara]

I'm glad you posted this.I felt the same way when i was young.I played football and was into sports and drank with the guys ,but i had this thing....(I needed to be a girl sometimes).I was afraid and confused,about how i loved the pretty clothes and how i felt.Well i'm 40 something now and let me tell you it does not go away.it is for life!!!.My only advice would be not to jump into anything too quick.There are plenty of males living a woman without having the sex change.Hell i even think about it alot,,, like moving somewhere to live as a woman fulltime.

[K8]

I don't think your story is that much different from mine (except I don't like metal music – but I'm more than three times your age).

As Janet said, find a professional you can talk to about all this who will help you sort out your feelings.

For much of my life I thought I was a cross-dresser.  I always resisted the idea that I was a woman with a male body.  Since I started transitioning I have discovered that I am, indeed, a woman.  But I wouldn't admit it to myself earlier.

We each have a slightly different path.  Don't fall into the trap of believing that all *fill in the blank* think this way and I don't so I must not be that. 

If you can't get to a gender therapist, talk to another therapist or counselor who is trained to help you sort out your feelings.  Much of what you write is typical for many of us here.  Read others' experiences and ask questions and express your views.  We're all just trying to find ourselves and be ourselves.

Good luck finding you.

- Kate

[itestit]

Thanks for the advise so far. I'll consider going to a therapist (since that's the best), but first I want to become a bit more comfortable with who I am. One thing I already know from reading your posts is that it takes time.  Again thanks for all the advise everyone.

[cynthialee]

Definatly get a therapist. And drop that autogynopheliac talk. That won't serve you well at all in most trans circles.

What I am guessing from the description you provided that you are simply a garden variety ->-bleeped-<- or sensual cross dresser. Also it is very obvious that you are in distress and are fighting an inner battle. Hey that is perfectly ok and normal when you have to come to terms with something big. You just need to get ahold of this and understand that there is nothing wrong with being gender varient. It is not unnatural just diferant.

Stick around and read up.

You do not need to fit a perfect template to be valued in society. Diversity makes the world a more colorful and interesting place.

Hugz and good luck
Cynthia Lee

[confused]

well , you should definitely get a counceling therapie , i feel from your context is that's not an option where you live(?)
thirapists keep their records secret so your not really actually 'coming out'
i know how you feel but we're al different , only a thirapist could help you

if you really can't get thirapy about it , browse through this forum , read other people's experiences , and you can always online therapy , we are all here family and we all support eachother but you have to figure out your path first
hope i helped

[Hikari]

... drop that autogynopheliac talk. That won't serve you well at all in most trans circles....

+1, the TS Roadmap has the whole story on why it isn't considered appropriate in most trans groups. Effectively it is pseudo-science at best, at worst it is something therapists tend not to recognize as legitimate, that unnecessarily sexualizes gender.... see http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/anne-lawrence.html

In any case I like metal too, but then again so do thousands and thousands of cisgendered women too, I can't tell you what you are, but certainly don't get hung up on stuff like this, for too long I used the fact that I like a few things that are more popular with males to try and convince myself I wasn't transgendered as I desperately wanted a bit of normalcy in my life. The problem is, if you want to believe something you can go to great irrational lengths to attempt to, and nothing but pain ever came to me from attempting to believe what isn't true.

[Meshi]

From what you describe, it sounds more like CD thoughts to me than actually having gender issues.  They are alot of males that have female tendencies, like wanting to dress, makeup and some female feelings, but it does not mean that you are TG.  I dont believe you are anywhere near thinking about SRS or HRT.  If you are young as well, many aspects of sexuality can be experienced, but doesnt mean that you are any more un-normal than an average male.  As said above you can try to force an issue that totally isnt there, but all that will cause is pain later.  Dont ever do hrt unless you are diagnosed by a qualified therapist.  Even get 2nd or 3rd evaluations if you have to.  HRT is not something to do just because of some thoughts.  Even if you are a CD or TV there is nothing wrong with that.   

[Natalie3174]

I like putting makeup on too.

[itestit]

Again thanks for all the good advice. And sorry about the autogynophelia stuff, I know it's a term that's not really appreciated in the trans community (and probably also beyond the trans community), but I didn't know how to clearly express what I meant in a other way.

What I am guessing from the description you provided that you are simply a garden variety ->-bleeped-<- or sensual cross dresser.

It's not really the problem that I can't cope with being a crossdresser, it's just that I wonder if I'm not more than a crossdresser. I really like expressing my feminine side, but the urge to do so comes and goes. Although I start noticing that the "urges" are (slowly) getting stronger. But I guess I still have a lot of time (since I'm still young) to explore my "urges" and other parts of myself.

well , you should definitely get a counceling therapie , i feel from your context is that's not an option where you live(?)

Getting in contact with a gender therapist shouldn't be any problem in my region (Europe, Belgium). It's just that I still live with my parents and I don't want to confront them with my problems while I'm not really sure that I should do so.

In any case I like metal too, but then again so do thousands and thousands of cisgendered women too, I can't tell you what you are, but certainly don't get hung up on stuff like this, for too long I used the fact that I like a few things that are more popular with males to try and convince myself I wasn't transgendered as I desperately wanted a bit of normalcy in my life. The problem is, if you want to believe something you can go to great irrational lengths to attempt to, and nothing but pain ever came to me from attempting to believe what isn't true.

You're right metal is not something typically male and there are indeed lots of women who like metal. But I thought it's more male dominated kind of music (sorry if I'm wrong). And you're also right when you say that I should stop clinging on to stuff like that if I want to discover who I really am or am not.

From what you describe, it sounds more like CD thoughts to me than actually having gender issues.  They are alot of males that have female tendencies, like wanting to dress, makeup and some female feelings, but it does not mean that you are TG.  I dont believe you are anywhere near thinking about SRS or HRT.  If you are young as well, many aspects of sexuality can be experienced, but doesnt mean that you are any more un-normal than an average male.  As said above you can try to force an issue that totally isnt there, but all that will cause is pain later.  Dont ever do hrt unless you are diagnosed by a qualified therapist.  Even get 2nd or 3rd evaluations if you have to.  HRT is not something to do just because of some thoughts.  Even if you are a CD or TV there is nothing wrong with that.   

That's what I'm primarily afraid of. Making choices that I'll regret the rest of my life, since I'm not really sure if I'm more than a CD. And I'll certainly won't take hormones on my own, because some of the effects are permanent and because I don't want to wreck my body in one way or another.

And again thanks for all the good advice I'll really keep in mind everything that has been posted in this thread. (Of course feel free to keep on posting)