I fear I will lose my partner....

[MRH]

Hey everyone. Im an FTM from the UK who hasn't really come out to many people yet. I'd love to transistion into male but theres one huge problem holding me back. I've been with my boyfriend just over two years and its the most perfect relationship I could ever hope for. We used to argue all the time and hate each other and most normal couples would of given up but we got through it and now we have no problems and if we do we sort them all out rationally and never fall out anymore. He loves that im more like a guy because we have a lot of stereotypically male interests like Playstation 3 lol. He says he'd have me no other way but Im really scared that if i become a male our relationship will start to fall apart. We've spoken and he says he would still love me but he wouldn't be attracted to me because he isnt gay. Everything would be the same but he's made it very clear there will be no sex which Im fine with to be honest because i've never had a big sex drive but I'd feel incredibly guilty taking sex away from him. If we were together forever he'd lose sex forever and i know thats not such a big issue in the long run but I cant stand the idea of him giving up these things for me. He's being very brave and supportive through this. I dont wanna take his girlfriend away and force him to have a boyfriend. I know you'll all be thinking "Well theres other guys out there." "It's not the end of the world." but we have worked so hard to be with each other and also we both suffer mental health issues and I really doubt anyone could put up with my insanity as much as he can lol.
I just wanted to know if any other FTM's have had similar issues or if anyone can offer advice. All replies are welcomed.
Cheers

[cynthialee]

Hi, sounds like a real quandry.
I can only sugest that you go to a gender therapist and work out your needs. Also I would tack on some couples therapy also.
This is a good place, welcome to the assylum.

[Flan]

just a random quote: it's about love, not plumbing
(dan's sig)

I dont wanna take his girlfriend away and force him to have a boyfriend.

Were you a girlfriend in the first place? or playing the social role of one?

[JodieM]

While i am not FTM but MTF i had similair worries about my current girlfriend.

The whole do i open up and tell her knowing that everything would mean that it could rip our relantionship apart, or be wigged out and say no im not into same sex relantionships.

If you have been with some one a very long time, my current girlfriend in my case is 9 years this july an awefull long time to keep how i felt hidden, our relantionship had alot of ups and downs, alot of argument as i acted the typical male and acted a pig headed idiot most of the time about anything i could because the conflict in me was, does she want a man? what do i do? thats not who i am, trapped in silence lying to one's self is not good for any reason i done it for many years like alot of other people before they realised.

Even now i can say im happy i told my girlfriend, i am not currently undergoing therapy im having to hold off a little while due to need to give myself a bit of time to gather somethings i will need and to fully quit smoking before i go see my GP and start my long journey on the NHS route.

My main reasons for this are pretty simple im starting with nothing at all i dont want to waltz into my GP and start the NHS route going in blind, im building myself up slowly to start with small changes in my appearence, start wearing my idetified gender specific clothing in subtle colours, or androgynous (spelling?) clothing im hoping while im sorting my finances out because i have debts upto the eyes balls i cant pay and quitting smoking i will have had time to deal with everything properly and be ready to journey.

Now my advice, be prepared for the best and worst things to happen, plan ahead a little and think things through before you jump into anything to quickly, but most of all dont neglect the partner you have currently dont make the same mistakes i have in the past, and if i didnt already mention see a therapist so you can be clearer as to what you want.

[tekla]

Two and half (just about) decades of reading gender boards on the web tells me that odds are you will lose them.  It's not 100%, but it's in the high 90% range.

[kyril]

Right there with you, just came out to my husband - same sort of relationship, same issues. He's just not gay. He didn't out-and-out say there would be no sex, but I know what he was trying to say.

I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that the sexual side of the relationship isn't going to withstand a physical transition, just like it wouldn't if he transitioned MTF because I'm not straight. But the truth is that outside the bedroom we've always interacted more like best friends/brothers than husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend (he's acknowledged this since long before I came out) so I think there's a good chance we can maintain the friendship, which is the majority of our relationship anyway.

[FairyGirl]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I've been with a wonderful woman for 5 years, one whom I love very much and who has stood by me through everything, and who will be by my side when I have my surgery in a few weeks. But the thing is, she's just not sexually attracted to women. I have to give her credit, she tried. And so did I- compounding the problem is that I'm not sexually attracted to women anymore, either. I've been fortunate so far, and she wants us to still live together as best friends, even if it means I find a boyfriend and we aren't together as a couple anymore. But no matter how understanding someone is about it, it's still a sad situation, and neither of you are to blame. Like Tekla said, it's just what often happens.

We always also said that we loved the person, not the gender, and that is still completely true. But the facts are that neither of us is asexual; we are both heterosexual and no matter how much we want to, there are things we simply cannot provide for each other. Like you, we saw this coming some time in advance, and in the beginning I was so afraid of hurting her I even told her I would try very hard to be a man for her. But she wouldn't hear of it, and she was very wise. She didn't want to live with a miserable man, and that wouldn't have been fair to either of us.

Don't blame yourself, and don't think that sacrificing your own happiness and peace of mind for someone else will help either of you, because it won't. No one is at fault, it just happens and we learn to live with it as best we can.

[FairyGirl]

Oh Valerie your story brought tears to my eyes! That is sooo very much the same situation I'm in. We aren't married, but were considering it just before surgery when it would still be legal in the States. Now that's not going to happen, but we do intend to stay together, with the very same conditions you mentioned in your last paragraph.

Nothing says that any of us have to live in some kind of conventional relationship. We can tailor them to our individual needs, and all we can do then is let our hearts be our guides where it goes from there.

[Hikari]

I have the exact same fears, I'd like to think that love has nothing to do with the sexual parts one has; but I am not quite that naive....

It is causing my quite a bit of fear, and even more stagnation which may be just as bad. Though, she did say that she would always love me even if we woke up and I was magically Tyra Banks, such talk isn't to be taken seriously (since she doesn't know I am TG) and while she does love it when I wear makeup and paint my nails, etc but it would be naive to read into such things I think. I mean, never say "never" but, I don't expect too much.

The fact of the matter is, even though I've been with my wife for 6 years; I don't think I will ever be able to provide a "normal" life for her (is there such a thing?). Sometimes I wonder if it is selfish to want someone to stay in such an abnormal situation... In any case I know it isn't fair to continue keeping her in the dark about who I really am.

I wish I could give some advice to the OP all I can really do is say that you are not alone.

[MRH]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and advice. For now were gonna just take each day is it comes. The NHS is really slow anyway so we're looking at a good 1-2 years before hormone treatment and all that so that gives us a lot of time to really think about what we want and how we can go about it