Hello, I am an 18-year-old female and I'm dating a 18-year-old non-op, noHo (yet, I mean) MTF, Meaghan, who I just recently found out intends to transition at some point in the future. We've been dating for almost two months, but we live a couple of hours away from each other and only get to visit every so often. I only met her this past October although we didn't talk much at the time. I knew that she feels that she has a woman's mind very early into the relationship, and I knew that she would crossdress in private, but I never really thought about the possibility that she may want/need to do something more about it. I am bisexual, or so I think (I've only ever made out with a few other girls, nothing more yet), and I'm mostly attracted to people with some androgynous tendencies like me. I love girls who are tomboys and effeminate guys, the latter of which, I thought Shea was until recently. I find her male body very attractive, and it saddens me that she does not want it and will likely alter it. I know she'll be the same person inside and that what she's transitioning to is just the physical manifestation of her feminine personality, but I just can't help not wanting her to go through with it. It scares me. I feel so selfish and shallow, but the guy is who I thought I was dating. I've only had a few minor crushes on girls, and now that Meaghan wants to actually become one, I've needed to contemplate a serious relationship with one. It's daunting, because now I feel insecure in my bisexuality and unsure whether I really could. I love her, and I am positive that I will need to see her as a girl with my eyes and experience it before I could possibly know whether I find it also attractive, but I still worry. It would be the most terrible injustice to reward someone for being brave and becoming who they truly are in a society that is already so unforgiving by breaking up with them because you just can't do it. I'm determined that that shouldn't happen, and for the life of me, I can't think of one single other reason I would ever break up with her. We get along so well, and are really close, especially considering how long we've been dating. I just want to be able to support her through her transition. I've been supportive while telling her my worries, but she's even more concerned for my happiness than her own and I have to stop myself from reminding her I wish that she could just be happy in her male body and suggesting what she do. I can't get in the way of this, it's something she must do for herself, but it's so tempting to just ask her not to. It's so foreign and difficult to think of her as the girl she is, and I still feel strange as I type this using "she" and "her." I know I don't have a problem with her being feminine or crossdressing, I like it, it's part of who she is, the person I love. But for some reason, her identifying as female and trying to pass in public is a bit of another story. And that's what she cares about. I'm warming up to it a little, but I seem to flipflop a lot. I just feel like my "boyfriend" is disappearing and being replaced, and I am grieving. A lot of sadness, a little anger, and a little more acceptance every day, but I'm still uncomfortable and uneasy and nervous and scared as I am completely new to this whole process. Maeghan is the only transgendered person I've ever met, as far as I know (but I'm pretty sure), and I don't know how to comfort her, and since she's come out to herself, she's already had a little personal conflict with her body. I just feel bad that I still can't be as happy for her as the few close friends she's told. Her girlfriend, the one that really matters, can't give her her complete support...but the one thing I do know is that no matter what gender, I'm lucky to have her, I'm proud of her, and I love her so much. <3 We'll just have to see where this crazy road takes us, but I'll be right beside her the whole way.
If anyone would care to share similar experiences, comments, or advice in response to all this babbling, I would appreciate it very much. ^_^ Though just writing it all down has been helpful in a small way already.
Sincerely,
Carson
