Hello everyone! I've been lurking around the forums for some time now, and finally decided it was time to join in. I'm not sure exactly where I fit in the spectrum, but I think FtM with androgynous tendencies best describes me. I'd be glad to hear any feedback on where you think I belong. I know long posts get skimmed, but I wanted to provide enough info for you to form an opinion. So, let me introduce myself:
I am a 19, soon to be 20, year old college student in the US. (And I am biologically female.) I had a relatively normal childhood I suppose, with a mom, a dad, a sibling, and some pets. I am ridiculously shy and quiet, which is not conducive to making friends, so I spent most of my time in grade school focused on my work in class (I am also a nerd) and hiding behind trees or looking at interesting rocks on the playground. I'd opt to stay inside if there was an opportunity to help clean up a class project or something of the like.
I never liked girly things of any kind, and grew up as a tomboy. I made a couple of close friends, and things were pretty good until I hit puberty. I'd been warned about it, and what would happen to my body, but I have to say I didn't really believe it. I was utterly horrified when my chest started to grow, and when I developed the 'red death.' (I learned that term here and I love it!
) I guess I was in denial for some time after that, thinking that my body must be confused, and that it would eventually revert back to the way it had been, the way it was supposed to be. Bra shopping was terrible and embarrassing, and I made it clear to my mother that I did not want to
need a bra. She was understanding and said that she had felt the same way at my age, but that I'd change my mind when I was older.
Not only did I not change my mind, but I became increasingly convinced that I was not supposed to be a girl. When I was young, gender was irrelevant; I was just me. When I got older and puberty ruined my body, yet all the other girls seemed thrilled by it, even wore clothes and bras to emphasize it, I knew something was up. When I realized that my body changed in the way it did because I was female the answer seemed simple; I didn't want to be female! I told my mother this, and I still tell her this to the present day. I've never really gotten a response besides something to the extent of "sometimes it does suck to be a girl" in reference to monthly pain and bleeding. I've not brought up the chest issue for several years now.
In the last few months I've done lots of reading on the subject of ->-bleeped-<- and gender dysphoria, and I felt a connection. Like I said, I'm still not exactly sure where I fit in the spectrum, and my terminology could be better, so here is what I do know for sure. I want a flat, male-appearing chest, no more red death, and I dislike being classified as a girl. If I could choose to be born and grow up as a biological male I would, but I don't think my own lower half would bother me much if it would stop doing stupid monthly things. I just want a male appearing body (no chest, no hips) and I want to wear male clothes on my flat chest and wield my Master Replica lightsaber and rejoice. (It's safe to say I am a huge nerd/geek/dork, and my screen name pays homage to the best movie trilogy in this galaxy.)
I'm looking forward to talking with you all and getting to know you guys, and hopefully I'll learn more about myself along the way. Thanks for reading!
