Well I go under the knife here in less then 2 hours I am not worried and I am in a good state of mind. Here is a copy of my blog today. If you are interested in following me or learning about how I got here please read it if you have the time.
http://jeff-to-jessica.blogspot.com/Todays blog:
The moment is upon me. I have woken up early here in Chonburi, the sun is not up yet since it is only 5:45 am. I await the dawn of the day I have been waiting for so long now I can't even think back that long to remember went I first thought of doing such an invasive thing to my body. I am lucky that I am healthy happy and wise and I go into it with the knowledge that there are so many people pulling for me to get through this operation safe. Don't worry, my doctor and his staff are very wonderful and I do not worry myself about the outcomes. I have worries about the future, but I know that I am a good person and my life has come into full flower these past several months. I go into this with my head in the right place. The surgeries are very secondary to the mental process that has taken me here. I have so much love in my life and it warms me to know that once this is all over someday, as this is just the beginning of many changes I plan to take place in the next few years, that I will come home to America and have so many friends that I didn't have when I was there.
Here is the last picture of my before my surgery. I have just showered with my "medical soap" Take a look at that big ole forehead for the last time folks. I love these gowns too, they are very comfy and made for accept even the largest human beings possible.
Sometimes it takes opening our hearts and our lives to people to find the ones we should have let into it in the first place. I have chosen well in my time but I sure wish I had been more open to people in the past. My ex-wife, is a wonderful human being, I am so glad that we got married and had the children we did. There are a few of you out there thinking that I am throwing that all away, but that is not the case. I am investing in the future right now. I believe in my own heart that what I am doing to my body will help me fit in better in my future life with my kids, my ex and my future business relationships. I have already made the mental change to do this, I am not looking for these surgeries to make me happy. Some of you think that but that is not the case. I don't plan to come out of this looking like Pamela Anderson or something, I just want to be Jessica. With out the odd looks and strange faces I get from strangers that don't understand. I know that many of those odd looks come from wonderful people that just have not been opened up to someone of my condition. I hope to change that is some little way, but I also hope to just fit in too. I am very proud of my past and I do not try to hide who I was, because who I was is who I am today and that will not change.
What has changed is my heart. I had a big heart then if you knew me. But I only let some many people in to know that. My wife, sorry ex-wife knows that. She knew I had a love for my children that surpassed any love that could be envisioned. She knew I had a love for animals that just could not be understood. She knew I had a love and passion for gardening and many other hobbies. So my heart has always been bid and open to the ones that were part of my inner circle. Well I tell you now that my heart is open to all that want to be in it. I love humans and I love the way we do what we do. I want to bring so many people into it now that I feel that I am finally who I always wanted to be. I am right with myself. I know it sounds odd that by just changing my physical appearance, clothes, attitude, outlook and such that this could be possible but it is. Jeff had such a hard time with enjoying the simple things in life. He had so many at his disposal but he cared not appreciate them, cause he was just counting the days of his life to his death. That sounds terrible I know, but that is how he thought. He wasn't in his right mind cause he felt that he was just trying to make it to the end as easy as possible. Well he is dead now, and Jessica has taken his place. She is still the same person but with an outlook on life that is completely different. I look forward to each and every minute of my life. I know by doing what I am doing to my body that it might jeopardize my physical health but that is minimal. I have been true to my body these last several years. I have turned myself into one of the healthiest people I know. I exercise a great deal, I eat all the right foods and I try to take stress out of my life as much as possible cause a I know a life with stress can only shorten it. So I have taken steps to ensure a long life as best I can even with the things I am doing to be a woman. So I hope the good and the bad will balance themselves out and I will live a long life.
I say this because I know I do want to live a long life now. But I can't live that life unless I can be the woman that I always wanted to be. Some of you say that you can just be happy being yourself, but you don't know the things that go through my mind, you can't understand what it is like to feel that you are in the wrong body. I am in the right brain though, and God has given me a heart two sizes to big, and I plan to use that heart in the future. It is open to all that want to be in it. Please, please people do not judge what I do as selfish. I know it seems as such, and quite frankly it is. But by being selfish now in these next few years I will be able to be less selfish for the rest of my life and that is what is important.
Love, Love, Love, that is what it is all about. I hope to meet many many more people in the future and I hope to give them all the love in my heart. I met the woman that I planned to spend the rest of my days with, and I think I still will, maybe to a lesser degree than is common for a man and wife, but we have two wonderful kids to share our lives with. We don't have to sleep in the same bed or house but we can sleep in the same world together and know that we both want the best for them no matter how far apart we are. I do hope to find someone in the future to fill her void, at least romantically and emotionally. I can not rely on her for those things anymore, nor should I expect too. She is moving on with her life in those capacities and I wish her all the best. She has met someone already that I think is a strong candidate. I hope to meet him someday and I think he could be a good role model and male figure for my son. It is too early to tell on that one, but I am very open to it, it will be good for my children for my wife to be happy romantically and emotionally, I love her and I always will. I think I love her and cherish her more now then I did then. I was so selfish in those days only thinking about what was good for me all the time. Thankfully I was also a good person, that even when I was selfish I still did my worst to take care of them and provide for them, and my worst is better then many peoples best, so there, I said it. Someday someone will also make me happy just like that, emotionally and romantically and spritually as well I hope. I am in no hurry to find that person. I just want to find people that are as open to me as I am to them, and I can live with that.
I have less then 3 hours to the first of many surgeries and treatments over the course of the next several years. It is just superficial folks. I have to go now, and look forward to writing again when it is over tonight if I can. I know some of you worry about me and that has be a very good byproduct of my whole coming out. I love that there are people so many miles away that worry for me. Some that I have not seen in over 20 years, some that I have never seen. I make a promise to you now that you will see me again. If only to show you how happy I am in this new life that I set out on. The world is not perfect but for right now it is in this blog, and it fills me with such hope.
I Love you all, each and everyone of you, the good the bad and the ugly,
Jessica
physically born on January 16th 1971 but reborn this day March 30th 2010 although still a boy but on the road to being a full woman in the future, she starts today though in my mind and there is no looking back from this day forward.
That is it. There was a photo, not to pretty but I couldn't figure out how to post it here. I hit the image button and I don't know what that does but put some text in here without any options to download an image. So maybe you all can tell me how, I am sure you will, if I know any better.
