I feel like i will explode

[Torn1990]

I don't think anyone understands, but probably you all, that being transgendered isn't a battle you can ever escape by winning, because it's a war! The world against one. Sure I can beat a few scenarios and slap on a smile, but when I open my eyes in the morning, i lose.
For me, I can not transition. I could never attempt to be something i'm not, because I am extremely insecure with myself. I believe you need some form of confidence to transition. I also have decided long ago to just accept myself as a very weird guy.
Weird being the unexplainable thing going on between me and normal society
Normal being people who accept their genders.
It's not that i dont accept being a guy either, it's that i'm just so upset with all the things that make guys, well, guys..
I hate my bone structure, my chest, the hair, the..um...well you get the picture.
I'm sure this is a post that can be recycled on a forum like this.. But i just hate myself so much. I have so much self-hatred, and i'm not sure if putting the blame on being transgendered is right.
Well im not even considered a transgendered I guess, but more so just a guy suffering from G.I.D.(gender identidy disorder) which ive had since I was very very young. Ever since I knew I was a boy anyway. Plus it's not even just physical hatred, it's spiritual as well.

I honestly am not entirely positive that, if say I was a girl, i wouldn't wish I was a guy..
What do you guys think? It is strange, but i wonder if in my case, that is the case..Because I moreso have an I Hate Myself disorder. Opposed to just being mentally transgendered.
I don't know.. (sigh) just trying to distract myself right now..
I'm always depressed.. It feels terrible.. And if professional help wasn't so expensive and such a hassle, id find it. But I go to school, I have a job, I live on my own. I'm fighting this depression and I just need to keep moving.. If I stop for a moment, I feel like i will explode. 

[Hikari]

Well, I don't know whether confidence is required for transition or not, Self acceptance on the other hand I know is an absolute necessity, and in order to accept yourself I'd say one has to know themselves.

I recommend trying to get to know yourself better, people don't always fit into neat little boxes that categorise easily,who knows you may find that you don't really identify as male or female, all you can do is try to learn more about yourself.

[Sage Fallon]

I agree with Hikari, getting to know yourself better helps. I felt similar for a while before I transitioned. After I let myself play around with the idea in my free time and experiment a bit I learned a lot more about myself. Also, don't rule out seeing a therapist just because of time or money constraints. A lot of them have pretty flexible hours and even sliding scales for those with lower incomes. Seeing a professional definitely helped me, and it's worth a shot if you can find a therapist that's accepting and understanding. You never know what it can do until you try.

[cocoon]

You seem like you have a lot on your plate.
You may have GID (most of us realized something was wrong at an early age), but the stress you're feeling about being busy and the difficult financial problems you have may be magnifying your feelings of GID.  On the other hand, I am a person who was great at putting myself in stressful situations in order to escape thinking about my problem.  A long time ago (when I used to think I was smart) I had two part-time jobs and was a student in two full-time graduate programs.  I made some really stupid personal decisions at that time because I didn't want to accept my GID.  I am still regretting those decisions.
So I would suggest that you make the time and find some money somewhere to start psychotherapy.  The more you learn about yourself, the more you might be surprised.  Don't feel like you have to transition.  When you learn about yourself, you may discover you are someplace in between the two genders.  If there is anything you can learn from this site is that people come in all different flavors.

[ErickaM]

Everyone here has some very good advice; I can sympathies with you when I began to come to terms with who I am I had been deeply depressed for about 8 years and I can also truly understand not being able to transition because I was in the military 11 years and I didn't want to seek  the help of a therapist because I was afraid of it ending my Naval career this was before the don't ask don't tell policy and on top of all this I was married for 10 years and she didn't know anything about y gender issues.  I began to use the internet to find anything and everything I could on the subject and it helped, a little. But once I retired I found me a therapist and began transition.  My wife has known for about 10 years now and I couldn't be happier with myself and who I am.  So I've got to agree with everyone else that a good therapist makes all the difference is the world.

The best place to start looking for a therapist is with the local LGBT clinic there should be one close to you.  The therapist that works with the clinic normally has experience with Trans people; you don't want one that has not had any Trans clients. 

[Torn1990]

Sorry I have not posted. I have been attempting to get a LGBT therapist but haven't heard back from them yet. I'll most likely just drive over to the facility this week sometime.
I am so very depressed. I really just want to die. I know if I stop moving I probably will just explode.
Now that you mention not identifying with a gender, I think that makes the most sense for me. I think I struggled between the gender extremes so much internally that I became a nongender; well im sure I was always on the borderline, mimicing others. But honestly I don't think I can accept myself as that, it just makes me feel even more lonely in my own skin. I don't think I can accept myself as anything. I recently went crazy looking in the mirror; my face and just everything... I think I am so disgusting.
I appreciate the story the last person told a lot.. My reasons for not transitioning is not a career or people around me actually, I just can't even grasp the concept at all for myself. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I think I just need anti depressants right now, but my life is just such a rollercoaster right now I don't even want to start typing about it...I'll probably post again once I have my first therapy session. Thank you. I hope it helps. Non LGBT therapy definitely didn't..

aaron.