I'm sitting here calculating my remaining childhood savings bonds (editor's note: after 20 years, paper bonds double in value. i wish I knew that before I cashed some that were about to double, a few years ago, to cover some transition costs...) and trying to see where I sit so I can make some investments in the near future here (editor's note: Dad says "They say $20,000 invested now is enough to retire off of." "Too bad I need $20,000 for something else right now." "Yeah...")
What I hold in my hands right now isn't really an investment of money. It's an investment of hope. Thousands of dollars pledged to the education (ed: EE bond interest is tax exempt for education) of the *ONLY* grandson of the family. Of three boys, only my father had a child (and I sure as hell won't be having any children.) The pledge of an education, the hope that it will make a difference. That a brilliant, smiling young boy will grow up to be a great man some day, head of a happy family.
My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago. I haven't seen anybody on that site of the family for 4 years now I think. Before even finasteride or laser beard removal.
And I think I saw my mother's side of the family around 2 years ago, at the funeral of a cousin of mine. One boy down. Just his brother and I left. Well, so they think.
I'm told I look *just* like my cousin on that side of the family did at my age. When I had my hair cut last, teased and volumized... I saw it in my face. She's got two small children. God, they must be near 10 now. I don't even *know* how old. A boy and a girl. All the cool kids have an aunt who used to be an uncle.
Two decade old pieces of paper, bearing the name of a boy who won't make it to 25. I can only imagine what they would say if they knew where this money was going.
My mother tells me not to tell them. That secrets are good to keep. No real reason *to* tell them as far as I can see it. It's not like our family is remotely close at all. I've seen most of my family a literal handful of times in my entire life. Am I a horrible ->-bleeped-<- for just thinking about being thrown out of a will? What will I do the next time someone dies, just not go to the funeral? What about when it's my mother? Will my multi-millionaire republican great uncle disown me? (probably) - will he disown my mother? She doesn't deserve that.
If I hadn't sold those bonds to pay for full body laser (a desperate attempt to avoid transitioning) I'd have enough for SRS right now. I kick myself in the ass. I don't know if I could have made it through the last couple of years as easily as I did without it, though. All that horrible hair... a lot of which would have thinned away when I started HRT, as the remains of it mostly have. God damnit. Avoiding transition is worth any price, though, realistically, it's not possible. If I knew what was going to happen in my life, I would have kept it all...
My parents went last summer, I didn't go because of work. And because my parents decided to drive... I couldn't possible tolerate two weeks in a car with my mother. Dear god. What happens if my grandfather decides to do another road trip down here in his RV? Might not, at his age, he's getting really up there. But I'm sure he wants to see me some time.
I feel like such a whore for being most worried about money, but what can you do in transition? We're desperate for every dollar. I've never understood when people talk about their big families. I never really felt like I had a family other than my parents. Just checks in the mail a few times a year.
20 years ago they held some of these papers. I don't know why it's affecting me so much. I guess it really is a looming spectre - I'm full time except for the lingering name change, and 99% of my family has no idea. I know that bubble has to pop some day, but... when, where, and why?
I think I'm hiding behind the money being the only fear (though that's a lot of money, jesus.) It's the fear of shame and rejection, I guess... when I've never cared what these people thought before. But I don't know what fallout there may be for my parents. And that... if I were confronted by these people, it would be ... very difficult for me to not lash back.
Blegh. Is it fatalistic to assume complete and utter rejection? It seems prudent. Well, my mother's side were devout catholics. They're mostly dead now, except the republican great uncle... well, scratch that, two republican uncles. My cousin married into a jewish family. Some people must be rolling in their graves.
My father's side are agnostic/atheist I believe. They might not actually react so horribly, come to think of it... as long as I'm pretty and successful. Some hope, perhaps.
