fraustration (nonesense rant)

[confused]

no i don't care what happenes anymore , and no i will not try to end my life again . i keep trying doing anything and all i get is failure ,fraustration and despare . i have managed to keep my head above the water till yeterday , now i'm just broken .when i was younger like anyone i thought i will do this and hat , everytime something bad happenes i thought things would get better when i 'grow up' heh . i'm just wondering why people like to live ,and where do they get the energie to keep breathing . i mean most people are not happy and that's life ugly , but i wish i could just understand how everyone else is keeping spirits up and i can't . i don't wanna talk with anyone , i don't wanna eat or live or die i don't want anything but to get rid of that painful feeling in my heart . i mean why the hell do i even exist i don't deserve life and life don't deserve me

[MRH]

Hey Lia
Im not gonna say the usual "everything will be ok" because i dont really know whats wrong and I hate it when people say that. I often find myself asking the same questions and sometimes life is so hard that I am physically unable to move. For me I dont understand how people can be so happy either as I rarely have days when im happy or have any energy at all. I suffer from really bad depression and possible psychosis so for me its a struggle to find a reason to live sometimes as I hear really nasty voices and often "change" into a completely different person who is very violent and twisted and who makes me do things that I really hate so when this happens I really dont want to live. To be honest I havent found an answer yet and I sometimes honestly think I never will. Its so tough to deal with these issues as well as dealing with my gender issues and trying to maintain a normal life. Sometimes though I have really positive days where I sit back and think "why the hell didnt I want to live?" We all have rough patches whether it lasts a day, a week, a year. Like I said I dont know what problems your having but there will be a way to deal with it even if it never fully heals.  As for why people like to live and how they have the energy...I really dont know lol. I guess theres just something that drives them forward.
Anyway I probably havent helped but I thought I should say something
All the Best, Scott x