drunk, down and fuming

[alexia elliot]

I am fuming today and going nuts over my condition. For all my life all I wanted was to be some sort of feminine, sensual, beautiful thing but life tricked me and put me in my place. I grew up to be a very manly man with girls sole. How cruel is that! Then when chance for my finally becoming a woman has passed, life decides to throw me a chance for a fresh start and freedom to have a choice, what the f***, I didn't deserve this! I am lost for words and don't see the point in all this. I know there is just no chance for me to become "she" any more and if I prolong this all I will become is a freak show and I don't deserve that aether.
Sorry but only bad language comes to mind in expressing my fuming disappointment. And why now after all this effort building this masculine concrete shell life decides to release me from the bondage of being male against my own will. Why now? Who is behind this cruel joke?

[Cindy]

Hi Alexia,

You OK honey. Feel free to pm me any time. I regard the thoughts'experience you are going through as the HORROR. It's the realisation that biology has been totally out of whack. I remember so well a day I went into DJ's I was looking through the make up and stuff and suddenly realized every woman shop assistant was wearing a skirt, hose and blouse. I just about fell over in tears. GOD WHY ME. It still comes back. I know your situation is very tough. Sometimes we just have to cry and hope our friends are close. I totally understand. If you want my phone number pm me, we can always talk through the horror.

Take care honey

Cindy

[alexia elliot]

Thanks Cindy, every word encourages. You and others here are the only friends I have who I can relate to. No one else has the slightest idea. I often call this a journey but it sure feels like falling into a rabbit hole. Dreams and desires are different from realities. I delusion my self with vision of "Alexia the woman" and when every so often clarity strikes my world falls apart. I thought that now after life struggle and supposed wisdom acquired things would be easier and for a while they were but NO, life is as cruel as I remember forever. I sure don't want to say forever but it feels this condition will be such. I don't usually dwell on the past but is the past were I have missed the greatest opportunity of my life to really become a woman. I watch some girls who transitioned while in teens or early twenties and they are adorable woman, all of them, then I see me and I drop to my knees because strength leaves my body and sole. And yet despite all this after a while the familiar feminine intoxication comes back to haunt me and twist my mind in a nut. I don't know the cure I thought that to finally decide on transition would release the bond but I am still in a bind.

[Janet_Girl]

Alexia, we have all been there.  and I can tell you that by moving ever more closer to your true self can be tiring but moving closer is the only true cure.

Reality will bite sometimes, but eventually the reality becomes what the dreams were.  I know because I get closer everyday and my dreams are slowly becoming reality.

[Robyn]

What horrible, life-threatening physical condition has surfaced to prohibit your transition?

If the answer is age, don't let that stand in your way. You have an opportunity, now? Jump for it no matter what your age.

I had my SRS on my 63rd birthday, and ten years later I am happy as the proverbial clam. Life is good. Go for it.

Robyn

[alexia elliot]

Thanks girls so much. I guess it was way too much Sake for one night, but the truth looks always bigger at first. I got depressed and intoxicated, combination for disaster. Thank god I've got you to spill my tears to, it really helps. Love you all, I feel much better and sort of back on track again, except hangover!