My Story

[Britt116]

I have spent the first 16 years of my life in a quiet little town in New England. Throughout these years I have had many highs and many lows. I have lived a pretty average life but I have been bothered by something. This something is not something that I can hide from, it is a thought. I went though elementary with the thought of being a girl. This thought rarely ever came when I was this young. I never really thought much of this in elementary school and would brush it off 99% of the time. Then came middle school the toughest 3 years of school. I made a good group of friend and I hung out with them a lot. The feeling came an went starting up noticeable in 7th grade. In 7th grade the dreams started (specifically that summer) and I had fantasies of changing my gender. The feeling now began to come in waves beginning in 8th grade and this means that some days I would be completely fine and then others it was all I could think about. 8th grade came and I felt these feelings strong when they came. It was like the waves were getting bigger. Just thinking about it was not enough anymore and I needed to crossdress so that's what I did only the clothes were clothes that I made (XD). Anyway, this kept happening and then it went away for awhile but it was always in the back of my head. I got to 9th grade and that's where my life began to go to sh*t. My best friend went off to a private school and my friend began to go different ways. If that wasn't bad enough I would get bullied for my voice... not something I can control. The only problem was that I had nobody that I was really close to that I felt I could turn to so this has just built up over time. Now I would never kill myself but I have thought about it with everything that has gone on in my head. There are times when I thing that killing myself would be nice and I could just sleep forever and never have to deal with problems again. I take medicine for acne and I have looked at those pills and thought to myself that I could just end it right here and never have to deal with anything again but I am not the type of person to act on this. I always want to tell my parents about my gender feelings but I don't want to deal with anymore bullying and I do a guy's sport that they rely on my for so I would get more sh*t for transitioning from that. I honestly don't know what to do. I used to talk in classes and participate but since getting bullied I don't participate and I have been depressed over all of this and my grades show it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want everyone to know but I just need help because I really don't want to have to deal with this crap that life throws at me. Honestly... my voice... I've only lived for 16 years and I'm already sick of it.

[SailorMars1994]

A big welcome to Susans <3 My name is Ashley and I would love to help ya as much as possible

For starters, try to avoid suiicidal thoughts.. they will eventually kill ya :/

I understand the need for cross-dressing. It is a great escape from the life one must live to one where they learn more of themselves. I know you cant come-out full time or anything but do you have any friend you trust you could open up to? Also, why do you think your parents would bully you??

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Your story isn't that much different than mine however I didn't have the options that you have because I am so old. You can continue to live in the closet in which case things will not get any better. You might consider checking your school and see if consoling is available. If so, talking with a profession will help you plan your next move. Last, you can come out to your parents. You might start the talk with I know my school work has been slipping and it's because I am depressed nearly all the time. Then go into the reason why. Feel free to ask any questions you have here and we will do our best to prepare you for whatever path you decide.

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[Janes Groove]

I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want everyone to know but I just need help because I really don't want to have to deal with this crap that life throws at me.

I know you don't want to talk to anyone about it dear but even you can see that you must.  You just admitted as much in the same sentence.  It's hard.   I know.  But I think it's the fear of what will happen if you do tell anybody that is stopping you.  That is a fear we are ALL familiar with.  It is a fear based upon what we imagine other people will say and do.  It's not real.  It's a fantasy.  It's not real until you actually do talk to someone and I have found it is that imagined fear that is always worse that the reality.  Talk to your parents about this.  They will be so glad you did. They don't want to lose you.  They love you as much as they love their own life. You are their life.  They would much rather have a live gender nonconforming child than a dead one.  That's harsh reality, I know. But it is reality.   Your parents love you and want you to live and thrive.  Don't carry this burden by yourself. There is no reason to.

[Britt116]

Hi all! Thanks for the support. I don't think that my parents will bully me but I have a younger brother that is 5 and I don't know how he will be with all of it. I want to come out and even if I change my mind later on, it would be awkward but at least I know. The problems I have are bullying and I just don't like talking about my problems with people. I have been bullied for over a year and I have never told anyone. I just don't want to talk about it with people if ya'll understand that feeling. I have a hard time talking about tough subjects and also, most of my friends are transphobic and even if the're not, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. I only have 1 friend who would be okay with it but I don't talk to them much anymore.

[JeanetteLW]

Welcome to Susan's Britt116

[Dena]

I suspect your 5 year old brother will not be a problem. Young children tend to adapt pretty quickly. As for bullies, your school should have a no bullying policy so you should speak to the principles office about any issues you have. In addition some school districts have people to assist with LGBT children who will educate the students in the proper way to act. Just get you parents on board and then have a discussion with the school.

[Britt116]

I appreciate all of the replies and it really helps. This is probably the last set of questions I will need to ask for now. So as a talked about the feelings coming in wave patterns earlier, it is strongest at night so does anyone know why this is? I have decided to tell my parents about my feelings but not yet. I want to wait until after the school year is over to talk with them because I don't want to deal with it while getting through school. I want to do online school or something while I am transitioning before college because I don't want to go into school and get bullied and made fun of because I know a lot of people are transphobic at my school. I hope that my parents let me do online school or something. The biggest reason that I haven't come out yet is sports and I know that I will get crap there which is why I want to keep it on the down low and do online school or something. Thoughts?

[Dena]

In the 1960's, medical care wasn't available for me and I knew it. I would have to wait until the mid 1970's and even then it was difficult to locate treatment. My only tool for dealing with dysphoria was distraction. Keeping busy and working on something I found very interesting. That worked somewhat during the day but in the evening when exhaustion was setting in, distraction was difficult so I would feel the dysphoria more.

As for waiting until the school year is over, that is your decision however the first few months of treatment very little will happen toward a transition. Even if you were permitted to start HRT, it could take close to 6 months at best before much becomes noticeable. Another issue is it takes a while to accumulate a new wardrobe and become comfortable wearing it. You might need the better part of your summer break to work on your feminine image.

I feel coming out to your parents would be a good first step though coming out at school at this point isn't a requirement.

[Janes Groove]

I have decided to tell my parents about my feelings but not yet. I want to wait until after the school year is over to talk with them because I don't want to deal with it while getting through school.Thoughts?

Congratulations!       That's wonderful!  I'm so glad you made a decision about coming out.  But do you really think it's a good idea putting it off that long? Why torture yourself with wondering how it will turn out?  Do you really want to live in that kind of stress every day for the rest of the school year?  Once you make the decision to come out it's better, I think, to get it over and done as soon as possible so you can move on and not have to live in that kind of stress.  You don't have to come out at school this year either.  You can do that whenever.  But coming out to your parents is the big one.