I don't *get* crushes, generally. The ones I've had so far, have, well, of course been on people who met me as a guy and knew me as a guy. I am so rarely attracted to people, I often feel broken.
There's one girl in my writing class who I think is adorable. Yes, I'm jealous of her looks, of course, but I just want to sit on her lap and cuddle and kiss her. She wrote a romance story that involved a kiss that was not described very accurately - I pointed it out as a critical suggestion and the professor suggested that "perhaps the author needs more practice."
As the whole class laughed and she blushed this adorable shade, it was so hard not to immediately offer to her, "I'll tutor you." Goodness. A part of me wishes I did just for the hell of it. I feel like such a kid when it comes to post-HRT stuff like that.
I feel so stupid about the whole thing, but this... gay dating thing is something that I've been rolling around in my mind a lot as of late. I went on ONE date with a guy back when I was a guy, and that was it. This semester was me going FT at school, and I've been thinking about how to handle it if someone asks or a relationship conversation comes up. So far, I've been referring to my ex as my friend (which is actually what she prefers to be called, since she thinks ex is a dirty word), and any general relationship/etc questions haven't actually required anything specific to answer honestly.
Honestly, it makes me realize how uncomfortable I am with dating right now in general, with new people. I do NOT have the confidence to put myself back on the dating site scene, I do NOT feel confident enough to flirt with or ask guys out, and since I simply don't get butterflies or crush on guys the way I do on girls, I'm thinking that doesn't matter. But I sure as hell have no idea how to casually out of the blue ask a girl who I imagine likes boys out.*
Blaaargghhh. I'm thinking about saying something closer to the end of class so she doesn't have to feel awkward around me.
It also ties in, I guess, with my general confidence in myself. I feel like I stepped out of one closet (transition) and into another (pretending to be straight again.)
Oh, and editor's note: Another girl from that class today asked me if I had any children. She said she knew I was a returning student so she wasn't sure. First time anyone's asked me if I was a mother...
*The last crush I had was a friend at work. I avoided asking her out like a year and a half ago because I knew she wanted a manly man, though since transition, I've let her know that I'd totally do her if she were into girls (she's in a serious relationship with a guy she doesn't like.) She asked if I was trying to get her to switch teams, and I actually said that I have 'unique advantages in that department' - though she's told me she has to see it after I have the op.
