how can you do it..

[Torn1990]

   I have G.I.D, and am currently confronting it now. I'm 19. I had my frst therapy session a few days ago, and ever since then I have been submerged in obsessive thoughts about my G.I.D. Before it was this uncomfortability and I would come up with defense mechanisms to mask my gender dysphoria, but now I've been facing this head on, mentally anyway. (I've been feeling good and bad about all this, each feeling an extreme..Socially I haven't been holding back so much in my behavior. I just let myself naturally flow. So that has been one positive impact on me since my first session.)
I plan on talking to my therapist about this on Wednesday, but i wanted your input as well!
I recently went into a clothing store to try on girls clothes. I immediately felt this feeling of relief puting them on, and looking at myself in the mirror at certain angles justified my feeling inside. (It's weird how clothes can affect a person mentally.) Anyway, I also felt a sense of freedom and comfort by gazing into the womens section in general; At all the decorative bracelets, clothes and such. I don't think I could ever pull off a female though. My face is just masculine and i'm awfully depressed about it. But then I thought realistically about transitioning and realized..
I could never do this! (well not instantly, but a day after. The thought of transitioning sounds amazing)  I have an 8 yr old sister who would definitely not understand this sort of thing.. I'm her only brother.. How could I possibly take that away from her? I would die for my sister, as well as my mom. And i'm my mothers only son. I just have to say, i'd die for either of them before I put them through some sort of psychological rollercoaster that effect the rest of their lives.
Then I thought about some of the threads on here where certain people who have transitioned have sons, daughters, and even wives!
It just sounds ridiculous to me! I mean, i've been suffering for so long... And if causing others suffering is the only way to relieve my own, i don't think I could ever do it.

I know this is a pretty harsh thing to say, but this whole lack of consideration when you have kids and such prior engagements is just too much when it comes to transitioning.

I think kids need their father, and they need their mother.. Just like my little sister needs the big brother she knowes and loves. Turning into a female on her is not only confusing but potentially damaging to her concept of my loyalty to her as a male figure in her life. I mean.. I've always been myself.. I just have no idea how this would affect her in the future, and i couild never take the risk I don't think.

Unfortunately, if i transitioned I'd wait till i'm much older.. But at the same time, I don't think I could survive being stuck in this body now that i'm facing my problem.. My anxiety has been so much worse..  So you all know again, I am planning on talking to my therapist about this-- but I am curious about your own experiences with how your transition has impacted relatives you care about.

[Jeatyn]

Surely it's just as selfish to have everybody around you never know the real you? Constantly lying to them and masking how you really feel. I think this is especially true for those transitioners who have wives or husbands....what kind of a relationship is it really if the person they are with is a complete fabrication?

[cynthialee]

I spent years in denial and doped stupor trying to avoid transition. My family had basicaly thrown me away for being such a loser. When I came out to them it all made sense to them and some claimed they saw it coming or even one who said 'I knew you were trans I was wondering if you would ever figure it out'.!?! I admit that my experiance is not the norm, but never count your friends and family out until they walk away.
You shouldnt stretch this hell out for longer than you have too. Your sister and mother do not have any claim over your life. You do have some responsibility they are your family but your transition should not even be negotiable.
Please take care of this while you are young, you will be surprised at what transition can do. Look for before and after pictures of those who have gone before you. It is uncany how much HRT alone can do, and if HRT is insuficent then FFS is an option.
You have to take care of yourself before you can care for anouther.

[Sandy]

As one who has (ex)-wives, siblings, children and grandchildren, who have followed me through my transition from male to female, I can tell you that it isn't a walk in the park, but it isn't impossible.

It takes time, patience, and communication on both your part and the part of those who are in your life.

They may feel blindsided by the statement that you are trans.  After all, you probably have kept this as your innermost secret.  They never had a clue that you would have these thoughts or feelings, but you have had years to come to terms with it.

But they can come to terms with the idea that *you* haven't changed.  Only the outside.  The feelings and experiences of the person within are the same.  It isn't suffering if you are healing and they will be able to see that.

It isn't lack of consideration when you have suffered to the point of suicide and decide to live.  It is lack of consideration to kill yourself trying to be something others think you should be, not who you really are.

BTW: I would have posted just a little sooner, but I had to change my granddaughters diaper first.  And her five year old sister understands that grandma Sandy started out as a boy and thinks that I look much better without the beard.

-Sandy

[JessieMH]

Actually for your sister, she would likely take it very well, for young children, they see things like transformations and magic all the time, television, games, books etc.  A person going from boy - girl wouldn't seem too "odd" for her I don't think.

Just some food for thought.

[Torn1990]

As one who has (ex)-wives, siblings, children and grandchildren, who have followed me through my transition from male to female, I can tell you that it isn't a walk in the park, but it isn't impossible.

It takes time, patience, and communication on both your part and the part of those who are in your life.

They may feel blindsided by the statement that you are trans.  After all, you probably have kept this as your innermost secret.  They never had a clue that you would have these thoughts or feelings, but you have had years to come to terms with it.

But they can come to terms with the idea that *you* haven't changed.  Only the outside.  The feelings and experiences of the person within are the same.  It isn't suffering if you are healing and they will be able to see that.

It isn't lack of consideration when you have suffered to the point of suicide and decide to live.  It is lack of consideration to kill yourself trying to be something others think you should be, not who you really are.

BTW: I would have posted just a little sooner, but I had to change my granddaughters diaper first.  And her five year old sister understands that grandma Sandy started out as a boy and thinks that I look much better without the beard.

-Sandy

Sandy, your post was very warming to me.
Hahaha...to uh open up a bit..I used to cry to my mother about my gender when I was in like 1st or 2nd grade. 
   But like you said it has become such a deep secret.
Thank you for your words.

That's a very hetereocentric viewpoint.
Kids need people who love them. It doesn't matter what gender they are.

I agree. (even though it was completely off topic)

[Torn1990]

Perhaps that's part of your issue with transition; your personal perspective does not allow you to see transition as a viable option.
If that's true, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your personal perspective.

From my perspective: I have trouble respecting personal perspectives that reinforce heteronormativity. In my opinion, two mothers or two fathers are equally valid family units, as are single parents of any gender identity, or more than two parents of any gender identity.

Come on now, have your simply derragtory posts worked in the past? Like, has anyone ever stopped you and been like: Thank you so much for this knowledge I already understand but enjoy being reminded of! Have a kit kat bar!  ..... Like really?

I agree, but I think PERHAPS you are completely off topic and need to re evalutate your perspective on personal perspectives, or at least re consider your inflexible perspective because as liberal as your ideas are they come from tunnel vision and are triggered by your pessimism on the meaning of what i say.    Jk.. alittle, but that's my impression since you've selectively deleted my posts. Especially since my post paradoxes the, what appears to be, negative claims(but are subjective ones even initially), giving them angles in meaning that you apparently can not entertain the thought of.   

[pamshaw]

I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse. I was a fool to ignore it.

Pam

[Torn1990]

I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse. I was a fool to ignore it.

Pam

Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

[Nero]

Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

To second Pam, if you are transsexual, why make yourself suffer for years until you finally break down? When you have a partner and kids? If your loved ones are your concern, don't you think this will hurt them more the longer you drag it out? As has been mentioned above, your little sister may be better equipped to deal with this now than when she's a teenager and worried what her friends will say.
Only you know when the time is right for you, but I'm saying if hurting your family is your concern, you may be looking at it the wrong way.

[lightvi]

projecting a little bit here sorry: but imo you have to live your life for you, not for anyone else. try to tell them they aren't losing you, you are still you. you'll just look different =) if this is something you really want then go for it, it will be slow but if it will make you happier in the long run then follow Nike's advice and "just do it!" :) good luck hun, i know we'll all be here for you!

(btw i am the same age 19 ^^)

[shanetastic]

I just wanted to make a reply for you real quick too Torn.

Forgive me as this won't be in depth and probably fragmented BUUUTTT. . . when I was 19 I was exactly where you were.  (despite the 8 year old sister detail but. . .).  I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I look so disgustful and masculine and I felt that I was hopeless in any aspect of transition.  I went on HRT and was trying so hard to see changes that I just couldn't accept myself and pretty much just work with what I have for now.  I mean... there's always time in the future for FFS and stuff if I want to get it.

I also thought my parents would never understand what I was going through.  I also believed that they could not discern the outcome of like taking hormones and this whole transition deal.  And I mean, they still are accepting it and working through it. . . but they are trying really hard and they know exactly what I'm doing, my expectations, and my timeline. 

In short. . . everything tends to work itself out with time.  Don't hate yourself for what you can't be or for who you can't convince or change.  Time can solve a lot of problems and give you the confidence to succeed.  Just take it one step at a time, relax, and enjoy life.

[Torn1990]

Nero: Hope you didnt get the impression I had kids or a partner! I was just considering other situations. (i think you took that as my future self though)
nevermind, i don't know what to think right now. Thank you for responding thought, I guess i'm just really damn sad and i have a lot of self hatred not only for my physicality but what's inside it as well. Meaning, i don't even care about my happiness anymore. I think i'm starting to give up and would rather focus on my sister then my self. I don't have the confidence in my being happy once I transition, so maybe that's where posts like these are coming from. My insecurity.
It's like I blame myself for being born a boy,
so ridicoulous..But thank you anyway.

shanetastic: *edit* I just saw your post after i posted this.
That was really nice of you to explain thank you. It does make me feel somewhat better; i just don't know, I don't know.. argh. I seriously look in the mirror and get so much anxiety and yeah i pretty much cry myself to sleep all the time. And at work and school I have trouble not exploding into tears. god...
I just don't know what todo. I feel this way ALL THE TIME, so it's at the point where I'm so heavily burdened by the reality of my looks and being profiled as a guy all the time taking that first step feels so difficult.. i feel like i need to drop school, my bills, quit work and be put into a mental hospital.. THEN i might be able to relax.

And judging by your picture shanetastic you definitely don't have a face like mine.. I am way too masculine, not only that but i think I am very ugly..

[Cindy]

Nero: Hope you didnt get the impression I had kids or a partner! I was just considering other situations. (i think you took that as my future self though)
nevermind, i don't know what to think right now. Thank you for responding thought, I guess i'm just really damn sad and i have a lot of self hatred not only for my physicality but what's inside it as well. Meaning, i don't even care about my happiness anymore. I think i'm starting to give up and would rather focus on my sister then my self. I don't have the confidence in my being happy once I transition, so maybe that's where posts like these are coming from. My insecurity.
It's like I blame myself for being born a boy,
so ridicoulous..But thank you anyway.

shanetastic: *edit* I just saw your post after i posted this.
That was really nice of you to explain thank you. It does make me feel somewhat better; i just don't know, I don't know.. argh. I seriously look in the mirror and get so much anxiety and yeah i pretty much cry myself to sleep all the time. And at work and school I have trouble not exploding into tears. god...
I just don't know what todo. I feel this way ALL THE TIME, so it's at the point where I'm so heavily burdened by the reality of my looks and being profiled as a guy all the time taking that first step feels so difficult.. i feel like i need to drop school, my bills, quit work and be put into a mental hospital.. THEN i might be able to relax.

And judging by your picture shanetastic you definitely don't have a face like mine.. I am way too masculine, not only that but i think I am very ugly..

Dear Torn,
I feel your pain and hope that one day it can be helped. I also new from a very early age that I am female. Sadly the era and the city (Liverpool UK) was different when even an ear ring on a 'man' would be bashed as a poofter.

I intended to live and come out as me when got to Australia. I fell in love with another woman. I told her everything, and  was happy for me to live at home as Cindy but not outside and I respected that wish (mainly, we did go out together occasionally). But GID never goes away. It doesn't matter how we look or sound no matter how 'manly' we appear. You can make remarkable changes in your physical shape and looks. I personally know a 6 foot 5 inch TG who is stunning, but she has had to work on it.  We all have to work on it, but take small steps. You might get some comfort from a TG social club, you can find one in your area on the internet, you don't have to go dressed but they are understanding people who may help your thoughts.

One thing that is true, GID doesn't go away. You have to find a way of coping. Sadly depression and drugs are ways that some of us have. Please don't go that way. If you are feeling depressed go to your family Dr, even if you feel you cannot discuss GID you can get help for the depression.  I'm sure you don't know but we lost a dear member last week Carina, she couldn't take the family rejection and finished it. Many of us have been close to the edge, and maybe I'm feeling overtly emotionally sensitive, but do get some help. Crying yourself to sleep is not an answer. Despair is not an answer. Moving forward is an answer, and we are here to help at any time in any way we can.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

[rejennyrated]

Torn1990

You can only be YOU and if you try to be anyone else all you will do is end up hurting others.

There are two ways to transition... the first is to do it early in life, before you have involved outsiders like girlfriends or whatever. When you are young, particularly at college or uni, you have the opportunity to transition gracefully and gradually in a planned manner. That is the sensible thing to do.

Unfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it. They will make a noble sacrifice of their lives for others around them. Only problem is it very rarely works out like that. There may be a FEW exceptions but they are few.

In my experience almost all of them fail, and of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what? - so that they and those around them never have to face the uncomfortable truth. That isn't noble in my view it's a sad lie, almost an admission of lack of moral courage to face reality - sorry if that sounds a bit harsh to anyone but that is my feeling.

What generally happens when people hang on like that is that the feeling gets stronger and stronger over time until eventually the dam breaks - and inevitably it always happens just at the very worst possible time, right when you mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, your first child is having problems in school, your wife is suffering from depression, you have lost your job - or whatever.

Reality is YOUTH is a gift - it is the one time when you can do something like this without causing too many major trauma's. I'm not saying it will be easy, but trust me on this it is a whole lot easier than trying to resist.

So how will it affect your relatives - well like any other change there will be a time of adjustment. They may take time, but the reality is that most families come to accept it in time because the love you and want you to be happy - and if they see that you are then they will accept it for your sake. In the short term many people find that families become a bt difficult - but look again after 5 years of more and most families have adjusted and things are fine.

Bottom line again - it will affect them far less at this stage in you life that it will if you leave things till you are older.

Finally - you worry about how you will succeed in looking good. Trust me - it happens. I've seen the most unlikely looking eople starting out, and if they accept the help and advice that is on offer 99% of them eventually make a satisfactory transition. Worry less about that now, of course you can't see it yet because you haven't seen what will happen as you beging to do simple things like changing hairstyles, learning to apply makeup in a subtle way, altering you clothing style to empahsise your good features and disguise you bad ones. These are things that those few of us who were lucky enough to actually grow up pretty much as girls learnt in our early teens - you have to learn them now, but you can!

So my advice - take the counselling - listen to what they say - and listen to what YOU say to them. HEAR your own words as you speak them. Do NOT imagine that the feeling will ever go away because it won't. Then make your choice and having made it, be happy with whatever you do and work hard to make it right for you.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Torn,

Oh to be 19 again.  I was married and had a child at 19.  I was doing what I thought everyone wanted me to do, even though I knew better.  By the time I was 54 I had been married and divorced three times. separated from my four children twice. 

I am not the prettiest girl here, nor one of the tallest (5' 10"), but I am happy now.  Your little sister might not understand now, but she still loves you and you her.  That is the important part.  And she might surprise you and be your biggest supporter.  Don't think you will scar her for life, she might just show you that there is a bond that no one can break between you two.

And a Plus is that you two can go through puberty together, as sisters. 

[arbon]

Unfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it.....

........ of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what

Hey I resemble that statement      

[rejennyrated]

Hey I resemble that statement      

Seriously - no offense meant to you or anyone else that I have not met - I can only speak of the people that I HAVE known, and all of them have been drained and damaged to some greater or lesser extent by the herculean effort that they have had to put in simply to avoid transition.

All of which just fills me with tremendous sadness and pathos when I see the beautiful people they could have been and probably still could be if they could only find a way out of their self imposed prisons!

I just don't think it is the right way forward for MOST people - there are probably a few exceptions - but most people are going to be the rule and not the exception.

[arbon]

No, I was not offended at all, I do identify with the statement you made, and agree with what you said. Once you are older and find yourself with family and childern and are entrenched in the community finding yourself no longer able to hold it together as that person they all think you are is not good.

[MRH]

The thing I fear is when I have kids. Im an FTM so my plan is to freeze my eggs and then when im ready get a surrogate mother, insert my egg and partners sperm and have a kid that way but I feel bad that my child/children will never have a mother. They'll have two dads which will be normal to them but it will be a little wierd for me and my partner. This concept sometimes holds me back but I cant live a life that feels wrong to me. Yes there will be a few cons of transistioning but in the long run its about how you feel and what you need. Some people may be hurt but thats life I guess. Your sister may enjoy having a big sister. Someone she can look up to and aspire to be like.