Maybe it was too soon...?

[Poseidon]

Hey guys,
I've been a little confused lately as to whether or not I am actually a boy or something else. I've never accepted being called a "girl" or being classified with females (ever since I was 3 and started remembering things). I started expressing myself (wearing boy clothes, hanging out with boys, blah blah blah), and eventually stopped after being harassed all of the time during the first year of middle school. After that, I never expressed how I felt my gender was (only at home...by myself), and forced myself to be extremely superficial (dating guys and getting their attention with my female body, which I always felt gross about afterward and didn't understand why). Who I really was never came out until about 5 months ago, when I came to terms with not being a girl. Sometimes, I feel okay like this. In this body, as a female. But most of the time I absolutely can't stand it, and would give anything to have been born male bodied so that I wouldn't have to do overly-masculine things to prove to others and myself that I am not a girl. I just don't know @__@. Maybe I pushed the ftm label on myself too fast, because sometimes I miss having long hair and wearing girl clothes (I've always enjoyed wearing all kinds of clothes, whether they be masculine, feminine, or androgynous). But then again, I don't know if that's just me struggling with getting rid of what I've pushed on myself for the past 4 years. Sorry this is long, I'm just having a rough time thinking about all of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated  🙂

[Cindy]

Hi Poseidon

I hope you don't mind a post from a sister, I'm sure the Guys will answer soon. I was going to ask are you seeing a therapist? Because these are the sort of questions they go through and give a chance to explain your thoughts and feelings. ALso this is not a race, it's OK to take your time and get use to each step, indeed I think most of us have found that to be important even if the drugs and technology were available for 'quick' changes.

No, can that idea, if I could be instantly transformed into a normal fully functional female in an instant I would take it .

If you haven't seen a therapist it may be a good move. Nothing lost and maybe a lot to gain?

Cindy

[elvistears]

I know what you mean.  I think everyone worries about such things and I think you'll know eventually if it's the right decision for you.  Therapy has been helping me make a lot of sense of things, I think it's good to have somewhere you can talk openly and go over these worries. 

And yeah, just take it slow and remember that you're still going to be you, no matter what you do.

Guys can have long hair, also! It sucks feeling like you have to compromise the things you like in order to be read as male easier.  I am finding that the more confident I get in my masculinity the more I feel comfortable wearing twinkier clothes.  I just got a pair of tiny gold short shorts, as did my cisguy flatmate, and we love dancing around to Lady Gaga in them.   So yeah, a million ways to be a boy!  A bit of a ramble, hope its helpful.

[confused]

i think gender isn't all the two poles , me for example, i'm mtf btw,  consider myself as more tomboy , and like you i've been suppressing myself and litterly forcing myself into being happy the way i was born . i have been trying for years until i came to terms that it can't be done that way
i like some guy aspects like not being harassed or taken advantage of , being able to 'scare' people you don't like near you ...
as i said , i consider myself more of a tomboy , gender-wise , and i think there's very few people who are one of two poles , most people are just somewhere on the spectrum . i hope you'll eventually come to terms or decide what makes you comfortable and be able to do it
good luck   

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Boys wear girl's pants sometimes. Hello, emo boys wear jeans so tight I don't care if they're really boys or girls, to me they look like girl jeans. But it's whatever. It's their preference. If you look masculine enough, you can pull off the skinny jeans look, and tight shirts with a good binder. Screw stereotypes. Clothes are clothes. Yeah me, I won't touch a single article of girl's clothing. But that's me. That's what I prefer. Maybe you're androgynous? Who knows. Take time to figure you out. It's worth it. I had no doubt in my mind, ever. SOme of us do, some of us don't. It's natural to be somewhat confused when you're changing genders...it's not like waking up and deciding what to wear. It takes time and work.

[cynthialee]

You can be whatever you want, whatever you are.
Myself I am rather masculine and have alot of bad mens habits. Doesnt make the dysphoria go away. Doesnt stop me from being MTF.
If you are a dude that verges into female territory sometimes, then so be it. Or maybe you are just an androgyne?
I live with an androgyne, my wife of 4 years. Many would gender hir female bassed on looks and many would gender hir male because s/he takes T and is logicaly driven. But both are the wrong suposition.

Also like was already brought up, ...have you been in to see a gender therapist?

[M.Grimm]

Some aspects of visible gender are social constructs; for example, what clothing, hair styles and jewelry are considered "appropriate" are socially constructed. At different points in history (also depending on the culture of course), flashy jewelry, makeup, skirts, long hair and high heels have all been considered completely masculine. So, honestly, wear what you like and what you find comfortable. There is no single, correct way to be "male" just as there is no single, correct way to be "female" despite what society and the media will push on us.

[Farm Boy]

Poseidon, I know exactly how you feel.  I know I'm not comfortable in my female body, but I'm not sure how I feel about switching over either. 

I was a little worried about joining this site, as I wasn't sure I would fit in, but it's been great and I've been learning a lot.  Just take it slow.  It's a learning process.  Since therapy is not accessable to me without outing myself, I've found it helpful just to talk to similar people.  It feels good to be able to tell someone how you feel and not worry about them thinking you're a freak or kicking you out of their house... 

[Arch]

Some aspects of visible gender are social constructs; for example, what clothing, hair styles and jewelry are considered "appropriate" are socially constructed. At different points in history (also depending on the culture of course), flashy jewelry, makeup, skirts, long hair and high heels have all been considered completely masculine. So, honestly, wear what you like and what you find comfortable. There is no single, correct way to be "male" just as there is no single, correct way to be "female" despite what society and the media will push on us.

I'm all for what's comfortable and practical. In days gone by, I probably wouldn't have been caught dead in a toga or a kilt or cothurni (well, those were stage props, so maybe if I were doing a play) or a wig or makeup, even if every guy in town were doing it.

Actually, kilts are pretty practical, if you pee standing up and don't wear underwear. And you can hide things in them. 😮

[M.Grimm]

Personally, once I am appropriately male-hipped I really want a utilikilt. I've wanted one for years, now.

[Devin87]

Personally, once I am appropriately male-hipped I really want a utilikilt. I've wanted one for years, now.

Yeah!  Those things are so awesome!  I've wanted one for years, too.  I was jealous of them because I like the way a skirt feels sometimes, especially in summer and spring, but I never wear them because they're all feminine and you have to wear feminine shoes and shirts with them and stuff and that makes the comfort of the skirt completely uncomfortable-- not to mention you're expected to act all girly when you're wearing a skirt.  Then you see the pics of those guys in their utilikilts with their hairy legs and combat boots and dirty old t-shirts chopping wood or something.  They're positively manly and they look so comfortable.

[kyril]

I feel you on doing overly-masculine things to prove you're not a girl - I did the same even when I was presenting as female (actually, a lot of your story sounds a lot like mine). If I had a male body I'd be significantly more effeminate, because nobody would read effeminacy as femaleness.

One of the reasons I want to physically transition is so that I can be myself, which ironically is far less masculine than the fake "self" I've constructed to compensate for my female body. I don't think that wanting to do some things that might be read as feminine like long hair or wearing women's clothes is a sign that you're not FTM. Rather the opposite, in fact, as it shows that your desire to be male is independent of your adherence to social constructs of masculinity.

[Nygeel]

For myself I've always acted masculine/androgynous. I identified as gender queer for awhile before identifying as FTM. I still think that I am partially gender queer but won't know for sure until I've lived completely as male (passing, etc).

If I was in your position I wouldn't focus as much on the labels or anything. Take the time to figure out who you truly are in terms of your gender then find what word best matches it.

[Silver]

I just got a pair of tiny gold short shorts, as did my cisguy flatmate, and we love dancing around to Lady Gaga in them.   So yeah, a million ways to be a boy!  A bit of a ramble, hope its helpful.

Lol. I don't have anything useful to say in this thread, it's all been said.

[elvistears]

Teehee. I wore those gold shorts to school today under a pair of work style overalls my dad gave me after he retired.