just venting some stuff

[cynthialee]

I am not only a transwoman, my wife of 4 years is an androgyne. S/he is ussing T and rapidly changing into a male it seems. I knew that my wife had some gender issues but I had thought that due to the fact s/he couldn't have what was truely wanted (penis and vagina simultainiusly) I would not hear of it again. When I started transition it triggered hir hard. It wasnt long after I started HRT my wife was geting HRT also. I married a woman, a very girly and feminine woman. I love my mate, but I miss my wife. S/he claims androgyne but T is a potent substance that changes everything. I feel like I have a husband now, not a wife. I know for a fact how important T is to hir. I can see it with my own eyes. T makes the depression and sadness go away, I get a happy active mate from T. I have never had a sustained relationship with a male minded person , I tend to not get along with men at all.
I feel like an ass, I know that T is vital to the well being of my spouse but I miss my feminine wife.
My pronoun use is proper in the case of my mate. Those are oked by hir for use when refering to hir.

[Janet_Girl]

You have the rare opportunity to see transition from both side.  Many spouses miss the one they married as they change.  S/he sees it in you and you see it in hir. 

Be glad you still have each other, some of us lose the one we loved.

[no_id]

Of course you miss your feminine wife. Of course they're still the same person and all that other soothing blah-blah, but on a presentation scale we're on a whole different, unknown, foreign, ufo-boob over the shoulder plain.
T changes a lot, physical-wise but also psychologically whether it's a happy-happy-joy song or/and some actual persona changes - to what extend it changes your spouse is only something you're qualified to observe. And, apparently you see more of a husband now then the wife you married... Perhaps an interesting take on this would be to ask them whether they see themself more as a husband or a wife at this point - things like that change a relationship (imho).

As for not getting along with men, I wouldn't put that in the 'worry' box since from what I understand your spouse indentifies as AG regardless perception influences...

Be glad you still have each other, some of us lose the one we loved.

Personally I think that's a very unfair thing to say. It sounds like 'So swallow it' (which in every other context is an 'err' statement as well). Yes, some people lose the person they love and it's a terrible thing to happen, but I don't see how that validates a 'so be happy with what you got'. There's a limit on compromise when it highfives silence.

Of course I could've interpretated that wrongly, but Window's Sam isn't helping tone-wise.

[rejennyrated]

I am not only a transwoman, my wife of 4 years is an androgyne. S/he is ussing T and rapidly changing into a male it seems. I knew that my wife had some gender issues but I had thought that due to the fact s/he couldn't have what was truely wanted (penis and vagina simultainiusly) I would not hear of it again. When I started transition it triggered hir hard. It wasnt long after I started HRT my wife was geting HRT also. I married a woman, a very girly and feminine woman. I love my mate, but I miss my wife. S/he claims androgyne but T is a potent substance that changes everything. I feel like I have a husband now, not a wife. I know for a fact how important T is to hir. I can see it with my own eyes. T makes the depression and sadness go away, I get a happy active mate from T. I have never had a sustained relationship with a male minded person , I tend to not get along with men at all.
I feel like an ass, I know that T is vital to the well being of my spouse but I miss my feminine wife.
My pronoun use is proper in the case of my mate. Those are oked by hir for use when refering to hir.

Cynthia - thank you so much for posting this.

As you know I am also postop trans with a trans partner and so like you I get both sides of the deal. I've always felt rather lonely in that. Not entirely welcome in S.O space - but yet sometimes feeling that I had issues of my own which needed S.O input. Up until now I've always just knuckled down and got on with things.

It's ok to feel unsure, maybe even frustrated at times. Even after 22 years together I feel the same.

When Alison and I met, I was the more secure of the two of us in my "feminine" side. After all I was the one who had all but grown up as a girl, and so paradoxically I was the one who sacrificed it and became something of an Androgyne so that Alison could have the husband that she wanted but couldn't have for various reasons - well OK she didn't have enough depth - whereas I had so much that I could easily lose two inches and still be adequate.

I just felt that perhaps I could sacrifice a bit of what I wanted from life to make her happy. After all, postop I had the anatomy that I wanted and no one could take that away from me. So it seemed like a noble gesture.

But like you I get times when I sit there and think Heck! What did I do this for? I've sold myself short here. For too long a time all everyone saw was Alison's female side - and I got relagated to playing the "male" role. I felt like I had been cheated. I transitioned to be a wife homemaker and if possible an adoptive mother... but within five years I was playing the role of female husband/provider to a transwoman. (Although sadly it's a case of like mother like daughter in a way because although my father wasn't actually openly trans my mother was always the masculine one.)

For a long time I played the role to perfection. It hasn't been without it's benefits even if they weren't ones I might initially have chosen. I have, after all, been able to be socially a member of both gender tribes. But sometimes I have felt frustrated when friends buy Alison the perfume and bath salts for christmass and I get the car cleaning kit! 

Thankfully as time has gone on and the relationship had evolved I have, particularly in recent years been able to push the boundaries back the other way a little. I've been able to reclaim some of the cooking cleaning and home making that she owned, and I've altered my style to be a lot more obviously femme. Some of our friends may have been a bit surprised to discover that I do actually like to be given perfume too! For some reason despite the fact that I always wore it they just didn't seem able to make that leap. We've also discussed, but not acted on, the possibility of making the relationship an "open" one. It may happen eventually, but not just yet, and now that the offer is there I somehow don't feel quite so trapped.

So what am I saying here. I suppose what I wanted to convey is two things

1. You Are Most Decidedly Not Alone!
And  2. Relationships aren't easy, but with goodwill on both sides they can also evolve over time to meet your needs, so don't feel that the way things are now and the confusion you feel will last forever.

Anyway from a personal perspective it's nice to know that others are somewhat in the same boat.

<<<<hugs>>>>

[cynthialee]

Thank you Jenny.

[wife4ever]

I can relate to so much of what you have said here. The strange thing for me is that my whole life I have rejected gender roles. I have always believed that you should be and do what comes naturally to you, not what society prescribes as your 'duties' however, since my husband has begun to really let his feminine side show, it forces me to sit and ponder what I think of as being a woman. I sometimes feel like I have to compete with him so that I can convince myself that I really am a woman. Nothing has ever made me more insecure in my womanhood. Why? I just don't understand.

[cynthialee]

I forgot about this thread... lol
I no longer have a wife. I have a hersband. 
Since I started this thread I have had other issues but I seem to be adjusting to the changes in Sevan rather seemlessly now.
I have personal intimate knowledge of what it is like to be ruled by testosterone. Now that Sevan is on T and I am on E we are teaching eachother how to work past the way emotions are working on us due to hormonal changes.
Anyways I am in a better place and we are still togather.