ah, my first betrayel

[elvistears]

just learned that someone i considered a good friend had been talking to this crazy girl who had a crush on me last year about how he thinks i am being abrupt with my transition, which is totally not true.  they both have the biggest mouths so i can trust that nearly everyone i know will know now - tho to be honest, that makes things a little easier.

(one lol thing is that girl is tots straight and it was a big deal for her to confess her undying love for me because she thought it made her bi or whatevz, lol.  she should be pleased to reinforce her heteronormativity.)

he's been second guessing me hardout tho, which i suspected but is still depressing.  sitting on my hands not to send angry messages, but i think the silent treatment will do the trick.

[JesseA]

I can sympathize. A friend recently told me she thinks I'll never go through with my transition because it's so much work and I'm already swamped with life (in her words).

Apparently they don't realize how big and real this is to us.

[elvistears]

Yeah it's such a bummer when people don't understand.  Especially people who like to play armchair psychologist.

[GothTranzboi]

I got a long list from my mom about stuff like this.

1. your too short.
2. It's too expensive and we (ie mom and dad) are not paying for it.
3 you'll never be able to be a man, men are the providers.
4. you'll never be seen as male and we wont adress you as anthing but our daughter.

To top it off she outed me to her bible study....conservative people and I never did get along. So yeah man...I feel your pain.

[JesseA]

Jeezus, man that's horrible!!!! Not horrible because the things she said are true (they're obviously not) but horrible becuase she has such a rigid, cruel view of society. I just feel sorry for people like that, no offense to your mom or anything.

[GothTranzboi]

Jeezus, man that's horrible!!!! Not horrible because the things she said are true (they're obviously not) but horrible becuase she has such a rigid, cruel view of society. I just feel sorry for people like that, no offense to your mom or anything.

None taken at all. My mom loves me and is open minded as far as other cultures and people who have physical challanges...but shes very narrow minded toward anything queer. My dad is more understanding even if he doesn't like it.

[JesseA]

People are so complex. I have to remember that my parents are just as complicated as I am and it will take them a while to digest all of this foreigness.

[GothTranzboi]

Yeah, but theres a part of me that wishes they could just accept it on the basis of me being thier kid ya know? Ah well se la vi

[FolkFanatic]

Yeah, but theres a part of me that wishes they could just accept it on the basis of me being thier kid ya know? Ah well se la vi

That's what i had been hoping, but realistically it isn't going to happen (at least for me.) When they un-bury their heads from the sand and acknowledge that somethings going on with me they get overly emotional, upset, and fish for reasons WHY and try to bargain "why can't you, why can't you be, how do you know" etc.

My therapist says it's because they've done what many parents do (but shouldn't do). They've created a whole plan for my future, what they want for me and so forth. So now i've gone and ruined it... oops?

Highly annoying because we're going in circles here. About all i know is they won't pay for it, they don't wanna see it, but they aren't cutting me out and that i'll be allowed to visit.



Which leaves me in limbo: can't be comfortable in the house cuz they don't want to see me transition, which means i CAN'T transition in the time and means i wish to do so, which means i have to find a job FAST that pays well and offers benefits (which isn't easy around here), which makes me crabby, which raises tension, and i think we all get the picture.

[LordKAT]

In Regard to parents making plans for their kids.

My dad wanted me to take over the farm and keep on the tradition. His brother  had his eldest son taking over the farm and I was to do the same. I hate dairy farming  but like field work and I ( as many teens) rebelled at the thought. I wish they would be more accepting since they say I can never be a son but raised me as one.  That part totally confuses me. I could go on forever about this point but this is enough.

[Little Dragon]

1. your too short.

That's just fidiculous! There's no height criteria required to be a man! I'm 5'3 and I used to be a man, and I knew of some other men who were my height and smaller.. It's really crushing when a girl says that to a boy..

Though, nowadays I'm very happy of my petite miniscule height, since I'm shorter than most girls it makes it a whole world easier to become one

[LordKAT]

My twins father came to nipple height on me, I'm only 5'6".  Short don't mean a whole lot.

[GothTranzboi]

"why can't you, why can't you be, how do you know" etc.

My therapist says it's because they've done what many parents do (but shouldn't do). They've created a whole plan for my future, what they want for me and so forth. So now i've gone and ruined it... oops?

About all i know is they won't pay for it, they don't wanna see it, but they aren't cutting me out and that i'll be allowed to visit.

Yeah it was like that for me too. which is why I moved out, and secondly they had that whole "wedding dress dream..." which I loath. I gave my mom prom and thats it. (meanwhile I was dreaming of a black suit with a red tie, and fedora) I wanted to get married to make them happy when I was younger. That was my goal because I had no desire to do so otherwise. Now I realize I can't live my life to make them happy because they never will be.

@ Lord Kat and Little Dragon I'm 5 "2 and it used to not bother me till she said that. Now I have this worry that no one will take me seriously...but still gonna transistion. so hah. Victory.

[FolkFanatic]

I hate those wedding dress dreams too.

And the "search for the perfect guy" thing my mom keeps going on about? Honestly. Her idea of perfect and mine are totally different, and now if she tried to make those comments it would sound like she was encouraging me to be gay (which i probably am, if not bisexual) on top of being trans (though to be fair on HER she doesn't admit to my trans status).

What gives? I mean, seriously, stop trying to plan my life out for me.

"Find a nice guy, honey, someone like your father who....*blab blab*" (yeah, okay, will do ma...i'll get right to it because i'm sure LOADS of guys will want to go out with a (FtM) transman pre-everything with tons of baggage.)

"Maybe if you find a guy with money you won't have to worry about working too much," (.... yeah, sure mom.)

"Oh, that guy from school sent you a christmas card... how nice, you should contact him and get together... go to a movie...." (yeah, i'm so totally going to contact a guy from three years ago who used to make totally inappropriate comments for high school settings and who use to touch people in places that aught not be touched by anyone other than the person's chosen significant other....)

"Oh, honey, please don't ever bring someone like that home....*in reference to seeing a black goth that used to go to high school with me*" (Ooookay mom, i know him and he's about the nicest guy you could meet. Seriously. Totally straight, but a nice guy. Are we DONE with this conversation yet?)

[elvistears]

That sucks man.  I have had everything explode on me in the last two days.  I had this all mostly on the downlow, but it got out.

First, my dad drove me home and asked me, why I have been looking considerably flatter in the chest.  Turns out he and my mum thought I had gone out and had chest surgery without telling anyone.  Cos that's easy to do, and easy to hide! It did help me realise I will be able to tell them eventually and I don't think they will take it as bad as I thought.  They actually had a friend who was a transwoman.  Tho it's different when its yr kid.

Then, I found out that the ->-bleeped-<-er I first posted about has been talking about me left right and centre, to my ex-girlfriend and lots of my friends. He even ->-bleeped-<-ing TWEETED about it.

It's getting hard to trust people.

[GothTranzboi]

"Oh, honey, please don't ever bring someone like that home....*in reference to seeing a black goth that used to go to high school with me*" (Ooookay mom, i know him and he's about the nicest guy you could meet. Seriously. Totally straight, but a nice guy. Are we DONE with this conversation yet?)

Dude....I'd so go over to your house just for giggles . I'm so mean.
Post Merge: May 06, 2010, 10:34:53 PM
As far as everything blowing up on ya Elvis, buckledown man, don't give up and we all are here for ya. There as some days worse then others but you've gotten this far right? As for "top secert" chest surgery. I only wish it was that easy.

[justmeinoz]

Maybe you should only bring white friends over?  (I still have trouble getting my head around American attitudes.)

[LordKAT]

Maybe you should only bring white friends over?  (I still have trouble getting my head around American attitudes.)

That is sad, I'm American and have black friends. Don't knock the whole country for some people's actions.

[GothTranzboi]

Also just cause you are black doesn't make you non American. I'm black and American. And every ethnic group has people that are racist somewhere.