overcoming fear

[Brianne]

I've been in and out of therapy for the past four years but I'm no closer to figuring out what to do with my life than when I began.  I'm not happy with my life, but I'm not sure that transitioning will make anything better.  I'm scared that going through the change will be a huge mistake.  I'm terrified about not passing once the process is over.  I know that's shallow, but it's the truth.  I'm afraid that I'll be more miserable as a woman that doesn't blend into a crowd than I am as a man who's uncomfortable in his own skin but blends into a crowd.

I'm in my early thirties now and I've thought about living as a woman ever since I was high school.  Every year I tell myself this is the year it happens, and yet it doesn't.  I keep thinking about a line I read once that said "Life should be more than killing time before you die." And yet I keep feeling that killing time is the only thing I'm doing.  I'm essentially a hermit.  I haven't made any close friendships since I was in college and the ones I had I've let slip away.  I haven't been in a relationship in over a decade. 

I feel like I've spent the last ten years trapped in fear.  For those of you who have transitioned or are going through transition how did you overcome your fear that life after transition would be worse than life before transition?  Is my fear a red flag saying transition isn't for me? 

Thanks,
Bree

[spacial]

I could have written some of that myself. Especially feeling trapped by fear. Fear of doing something, that everyone will know about. Then deciding against it and having to live it down.

The essence of this, in reality, is that I was constructing a life based upon lies. Lies that I was the man I wanted everyone to think I was. Lies that everyone knew were lies. Lies that ate and eat away at my soul, that made and make me the subject of ridicule and teasing.

It is the self deception that made me depressed. I knew something was wrong. That, I discovered, is what makes people depressed. It exhausts the mind and disturbes the sleep.

Can I suggest you try to go away somewhere, perhaps for a week or so and live there as female?

One way or the other, you have to sort this out.

Wish I had done.

I wish I'd been born a girl instead of this wreak of a man.

[FairyGirl]

It just got to a point where all that stuff didn't matter. I didn't do it for what anyone else would think of me, or do it for anyone else, I had to do it for myself and myself only. The next year was going to go by whether I did it or not, and I just couldn't let any more time be wasted in not becoming who I was meant to be. So I let that other stuff work itself out on it's own, and I did what I had to do for myself, because I just couldn't live that artificial existence anymore.

edited to add- what Spacial said about trying it out is good. But you don't even have to go somewhere else, you can try it out in your own home. See how you feel about it. Generally the way it goes is that once you let Genie out of her bottle there is no putting her back in. But that is something you will have to eventually decide, or it will continue to haunt you forever.

[BunnyBee]

Your subconscious knows things, trust it.  Mostly just listen to yourself and go at your own pace.  No need to climb a mountain in a day.

I see some parallels in the path you and I both took, especially with you being in your thirties and just now trying to face your fears and your feeling that blending as a man surely must be better than trying but failing to be accepted as a woman by society.  I felt the same way.

For me, it finally changed after I had an epiphany moment where I realized that, while I want to be accepted fully as a woman most of all, in truth I would rather be seen as a TS woman than a man.  Even if I became some sort of outcast, the way I lived would at least reflect who I am on the inside.  People would know how I expected to be be treated and I would be expected to act in the correct social role, however awkwardly and poorly.  Sure they could choose to try to deny me those things, but they would at least know that I don't like being pushed in to the male role.

I've blended much better than I thought I would, but overcoming that paralyzing fear of failing was the only way I could get on with my life.  It took me five years from when I finally realized I wasn't going to overcome this lifelong gender thing I struggled with (first epiphany) to having that second epiphany, and life is so much better now.  I hope it doesn't take you that long.

You say you are a hermit and your social life is failing or non-existent and that you feel trapped and that you are wasting your life.  So my question is, what do you have to lose?  If going down the transition path doesn't work for you, and you stay introspective throughout the process, you will know well before it's too late to turn back, then you can simply adjust your trajectory.

[Randi]

Fear is a very strong thing and if given in to often will hold a person in a prison of their own making. Once you give in to your fear it is so much easier to do this again and again. When confronted fear will put up a small disturbance to see how strong your will is. Once you can stand up to your fear it gets much much easier to deal with it. I read in a novel that 'fear is the mind killer' and I agree with that. Confront your fear and be free and be effective at whatever tasks your life brings to you.

Randi

[christene]

Fear was also my biggest hurdle. Once confronted, everything kind of fell into place. Dealing with each issue one at a time, working these thoughts out with my therapist and finally coming to personal conclusions. For sure, when things finally get so bad and you can't stand yourself, you have to ask: "What do I have to loose?"
Life is short so confront your fears. I think you will find they hold much less power than you once thought, even if those fears impose themselves on your consciousness for years and years. I finally started when I was 38, so your not alone there either.

[Dana Lane]

I just went full time in March and I had a lot of anxiety over it. I knew I didn't pass (in appearance and voice) as female but I could no longer live my life as a male. It took me a while to get used to the feeling I had when presenting as female. I seemed to focus more on what people thought or would think of me than how it made me feel in my own self. I feel WAY more comfortable now presenting as female. I have also never been happier in my life. Since I started transitioning I have finally become truly happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. And I am so outgoing now I have so many friends I can't keep up with them all! I was a shut-in before this.

The fear will subside!

[andream]

Edit to add: I had also set myself a cut-off date for transition. I told myself that if I didn't transition before I was X years old, then I needed to let go and learn to deal as a man.
I transitioned two years before my cut-off date 

I transitioned two years after my cut-off age .

For me the pain of dealing with the incongruity between my mind and my body became unbearable. The more I repressed my true nature, I became more and more difficult to live with. I was angry, irritable, depressed, and I also let my weight spiral out of control. At one point I was 188lbs. I have small bones, and I am 5"8, so that was really overweight for me. I could not see the beauty in the world - I was essentially blind to life. No matter what I did - and I've had the fortune and privilege to have done many amazing things in my life - none of it could fill that void created by my gender incongruity.

I yearned to experience the world with the same wonder and love I felt in my childhood, and deep inside I knew the only way was to accept that I am trans. Looking at myself in the mirror each day, I could literally feel the time slipping away. In the end I'd had enough, and finally went to see a therapist and started HRT. That was a year ago.

If you don't do something, the years WILL slip away. You WILL regret not doing something about this sooner if one day you do resolve to act. I am still fairly young, but I wish I'd got my thoughts together sooner - started HRT sooner. That regret is the price of vascillation. However, since starting this process, I can honestly say that I am in love with my life.

I really believe that you will transition only when the pain of remaining where you are exceeds the fear. You will get to the point where you just couldn't care less what the world thinks.

Bear in mind also, that for some people, all it takes is to follow a course of HRT and their gender issues can be controlled. Not everybody who takes hormones transitions socially. I think this may be a good compromise, at least at the start. You'll still pass as male for a long time on HRT if you don't put in the effort to present as your female self. I think that if you find hormones are right for you, then chances are you're going to itch to transition socially, and your problem won't be one borne of despair, but rather one of excitement and anticipation. I myself am not full time yet, but after a year on HRT I am chomping at the bit to do it. For me it's a matter of doing it right, and finding the confidence, but it's fun thinking about it.

Can I ask if your therapist is a gender specialist or a general therapist? It's worth seeing sombody who actually specializes in gender issues, and to stick with the therapy for a consistent time, rather than going in and out of therapy.

[Little Dragon]

I was very scared at first, but now that I've visited my local gender clinic, I suddenly feel so much better I can't wait to see the doctors and therapists to help me become a lady I'm really excited!

The thing you need most is confidence, you've been thinking for 10 years but you liekly havent been tackling your confidence issues.. Buy yourself girls clothes, and wear them - you can wear girls pants that nobody will notice to be feminine, you can wear panties under those and nobody will see, lastly you can wear girls tees under a jumper or coat too Another thing you can do is love your skin, give yourself lots of skin care products and soften your skin up nicely You can grow your hair and look after it.

I suggest you go counselling or make some transgirl friends, you need other people to support you in this

[Stella Blue]

I have alot of fear, but most of it is from thinking too much about how others are going view me. I live in a small town where it will be impossible to not see at least one familiar face every time I go out, and it is these kind of things that strike the most fear into me. It is not so much fear over whether or not I am doing the right thing because I know I am. It is just my insecurities that I have to get over....

The BIGGEST fear I have though is living as male any longer. I can't do it, not even for one more year!

[AmySmiles]

You say you are a hermit and your social life is failing or non-existent and that you feel trapped and that you are wasting your life.  So my question is, what do you have to lose?  If going down the transition path doesn't work for you, and you stay introspective throughout the process, you will know well before it's too late to turn back, then you can simply adjust your trajectory.

This is what I wanted to say, so I'll just quote it.  (Thanks Jen ) You know you don't like your life as it is, so what do you have to lose?  One of the biggest hurdles you can overcome when deciding to transition is realizing that your own life is more important than what other people think of you.  If you know you need to transition, you should just do it.  Many think they won't pass and are pleasantly surprised so you may be also, but you will never find out if you don't even try.

[FairyGirl]

For me the pain of dealing with the incongruity between my mind and my body became unbearable. The more I repressed my true nature, I became more and more difficult to live with. I was angry, irritable, depressed, and I also let my weight spiral out of control.

mine is pretty much exactly the same story. Funny how that works.

I really believe that you will transition only when the pain of remaining where you are exceeds the fear. You will get to the point where you just couldn't care less what the world thinks.

This is exactly true. Like I said, you do it for yourself not for anyone else or what they think.

[Brianne]

I want to thank everyone who's replied so far.  My therapist has said things similar to the responses here but I just haven't been able to find the strength to commit to a change.  The question Jen asked, "what do you have to lose?" goes the heart of my problem. 
I've never been a very social person, even when I was a little kid.  Although I'm not happy with my life, I feel safe and comfortable by not standing out.  I'm terrified that if I transition I'll lose that ability to blend into a crowd.  I don't know if the happiness I could gain by being who I want to be would outweigh the discomfort I would feel if people noticed me. 
I know that without changing I won't find the answer, but I'm scared that I'll be even more miserable if the answer I get is the answer I don't want.  Does that make sense? I feel like a complete coward.  I know life won't improve if I don't do anything but I'm terrified that transitioning will make a bad situation worse. 
I know I need to quit whining and do something.  I think I started this thread because I just needed to vent.  I can't say how much it means to hear that other people have gone through this because it gives me hope.

Thanks,
Bree

[justmeinoz]

I have started on facial hair removal, and if eventually I find that life in this town after transition is uncomfortable, I will simply move to somewhere  more congenial.
As Jen said, "what have you got to lose?"

[Cindy]

I agree with all the other girls. There comes a time when what you have to lose versus what you have to gain becomes unstoppable.
I have a lot to lose.
I no longer worry about it.
Oh and I have always been quiet and anti-social. My friendships were few to say the least. That has changed totally. I have friends who I like and love. And I know they like and love me. As true friends do.

Cindy

[BunnyBee]

I know I need to quit whining and do something.  I think I started this thread because I just needed to vent.  I can't say how much it means to hear that other people have gone through this because it gives me hope.

You sound like you are looking for a kick in the pants, lol.

You seem to be very familiar with the cons- which makes sense, since your life is practically being held hostage by them, and btw I think you may be developing a little bit of stockholm syndrome.  The cons aren't your friends =P.  Lurking in the shadows all by yourself is not a good time, I don't care how introverted you may be.  We is social creatures, we run on love and emotional connections with other people.  A hermit's lifestyle goes against our evolutionary nature, in my opinion.

You do not seem nearly so familiar with the pros on the other side of the ledger, but unfortunately there is no way for anybody to know whether they will outweigh the cons for you or not.  It really is up to you to find out.  My experience was that those pros turned out to be quite hefty .

And yes, since you asked, happiness is loads more fulfilling than being able to facelessly blend into crowds.

[LordKAT]

Hmm, I prefer being a hermit and happy.

[Cindy]

Hmm, I prefer being a hermit and happy.

I'm happy being Green there are so many  lalllala

Sorry thought you said Kermit

Cindy

[LordKAT]

Ok I will crawl back in my cave. Cindy, are you coming with? I'm sure there is some wine, a candle or two and ...other recreational things to do.

[BunnyBee]

Hmm, I prefer being a hermit and happy.

Awe, that makes me sad for some reason.  /hugs!