Coming Out from Stealth

[Ryan]

I've been thinking about coming out for a while now and could do with some opinions and advice on the matter.

I say stealth in the title, but I'm not really properly stealth, it's just the best word for the situation.
I started a college course as male last year (which I've now finished) and made loads of new friends. I didn't want people to know that I was trans as I didn't think it was necessary. I wanted to be known as Ryan, and not the "->-bleeped-<- kid" or whatever.
Things were great, but as expected, rumours started to circulate. So I assume that most of my friends have heard the rumours. Whether they believe them or not, I don't know.

Things that suck about not being out:
Worrying about people seeing my or feeling my chest/binder.
Having to stay out of random guy wrestling cause of my chest.
Staying over at parties and having to sleep fully clothed, binder and all.
Feeling that I'm hiding something/lying.
Having to make up excuses for why I'm so short/look so young/voice is high/etc.
Worrying about seeing people who knew me from school.

Things that would suck about being out:
Possible awkwardness related to certain conversation topics like sex.
People thinking that my transexuality is a topic of interest/conversation starter/gossip.
Trans jokes. "Blah blah blah, penis." "Oh, you wouldn't know! Hahaha!" kind of thing.
Not being able to casually comment on my dick without people being like "wtf..."
People not understanding my situation/thinking I'm a lesbian/general ignorance/etc.
Not being able to meet new people without already having that trans label attached.

The dick ones sound kinda weird, but my mates are typical sex obsessed men and we just sit around talking about that sort of stuff

Do you think it'd just be best to come out?

[sneakersjay]

I came out once in an LGBT space where it was safe to do so and pertinent to the topics at hand.  I will say that even though everyone was accepting, I felt exposed, as if suddenly in the middle of a room of strangers I had pulled my pants down and exposed myself, and couldn't pull them back up again.

I will never repeat that.   The feeling sucked big time.

Your mileage may vary but for me I don't feel the need to tell anyone I'm trans.  All they focused on after that moment was the fact that I was a WOMAN.  And that made me physically sick.


Jay

[cynthialee]

Only your doctor and your lover need to know your trans status.
It is simply none of the worlds buisness. No reason I can think of that warents telling people who dont already know. People knowing you are a natal female will change everything. Enjoy your male life. If you come out you will lose almost all of your male privilage.
JMHO

[Adio]

I'm with Jay.  I read his story about coming about at a PFLAG meeting (I think that's what you're referring to, actually) and realized that even though I want to tell my classmates, I can't.  They might already know or have some clue, but I'd rather them just have that clue then outright know.

I think they'd stop seeing me as male and start seeing me as either a female or this "other", an inbetween of sorts.  I don't doubt that some of them already do think of me like that because of my teachers' outing me (calling me she in class or making sly remarks).  But telling them instead of it being an open secret, I think, would be the worst mistake I could make.

If you do come out, I sincerely hope your friends take it well and continue to treat you like the guy you are. 

[Ryan]

These posts completely back up why I wanted to be "stealth" in the first place.

It's just that I hate having to withdraw myself in certain situations and make excuses for myself. I'm practically lying to good friends.
Plus the fact that many people half know. It's all gossip, but if people believe it, then that's enough to change their attitude towards me.

I've also been in situations where these people ask questions. Some ask outright if I'm a boy or girl, whereas others ask indirect questions that would give them the answer.
It's none of their business. I can tell them this, but this is practically telling them that they're right in their suspicions. So instead I lie. But even this only puts off their questions temporarily. They obviously don't believe me.

[cynthialee]

I think you should try the following statement or something similar next time you get an inapropriate question...
"Look I have a medical condition, my body doesnt produce enough testosterone. Please drop it. It is a sensitive topic for me."
This is a true statement, you have female anatomy not male so you do not make much T, and it leads people to make an asumption that makes passing easier.

[Ryan]

That's the excuse I use.
But there's still people parading around telling people that they went to school with me, that I'm a girl called...

My word against theirs. Why would people believe me when there's already a bunch of people backing up the other side of the situation.

[cynthialee]

Have you considered changing schools?

[Ryan]

I finished my college course a while ago now.
I live in a small town. Although most people have moved on to university now, there are still quite a few left who knew me from school. Word gets around.
Moving away isn't an option for the foreseeable future.

[LordKAT]

For me, staying in the same town wasn't an option. It got dangerous there. I like living and staying out of ERs.

[Ryan]

It's not dangerous here. I've never come into any violence or anything.
People don't really have the guts to do ->-bleeped-<- like that. They're more the sort to whisper behind people's backs.

[cynthialee]

That can not be good for you. I would sugest you do your best to find a way out. Then you can be you without any bagage.

[Ryan]

People are like that though. I don't think it'd be possible to live anywhere without people finding out and this situation reoccurring. I think anyone who wants to live deep stealth is quite frankly, deluded. The moment you get into a physical relationship, you risk it all.
I don't care what people [think they] know about me, but I don't want to hear about it. I just want to be a regular guy, and treated as one.
I think I'm probably asking for too much to be honest. It's in people's nature to be curious about something they don't understand. And if no one educates them, of course they're going to be ignorant. But I don't want to sacrifice myself for education.

This shall probably sound quite pathetic, but I'm still very dependent on my parents.
I'm absolutely lost in life. Currently trying to find a job. Struggling with a major lack of confidence and depression.

EDIT: Cynthia, you also have to keep in mind that these people are hardly adults. We're talking 16-18yr olds.

[Devin87]

You'll get there, Ryan.  Just give it time.  Most of what you're describing are related to being so early in transition.  Once you're longer on T and have had chest surgery everything you mentioned will go away.  And by then you'll be older, more stable and be able to move to another town and have a fresh start.  You, like almost all of us, are just in that awkward stage of transitioning.  It sucks, but it's temporary and *hopefully* life will be better at the end of it.

[LordKAT]

I wish for top surgery, it will take me many years to afford it tho. I need trans inclusive insurance to even have a chance. If your parents are helping you with these expenses, don't lose em.

[kestin]

To offer a different POV. I've never been stealth and never really wanted to so I'm not really sure of how one goes about coming out from being stealth...

The closest example I have is when I started my 6 month contract at a new job. Now I didn't want them to know I was trans from the get go (well my workmates at least, bosses knew) so it was between a few weeks and a month before most of the 8 other workers new I was trans.

I come off as gay all the time so theres always that too, I came out though to a couple of the guys when we were chatting away about dating or something and one of them goes to me "Oh, but you like the c*ck right?" to which I replied "Actually I'm bi." they were a little surprised but didn't give a toss. Then I said "Actually I was born a female as well so its kinda complicated."

Conversation definitely stayed on that topic for about 5-10 minutes and then shifted to other matters.

I personally can't be stealth in many areas of my life due to being on the Executive Board of our cities Queer Youth group, but I find it easier. Like the OP said, its hard when you feel like you're lying or you feel like you need to hide a part of yourself.

If you decide to come out to people, treat it like its not a big deal and they're likely to view it the same way tha'ts been my experience.

[sneakersjay]

FWIW I'm still living where I lived when I came out.  I had to come out at work, so people there know and occ. use wrong pronouns.  I have no idea if new employees know or not, not sure if there is a gossip mill when I'm not around.

My family still has issues with pronouns, mainly because I don't see them often.  I did manage to get my mother and sister on board during a recent family emergency where there were hospital personnel who did not need to know (I was not the patient!) in an ultra-conservative area.

I forgot... are you on T yet?  That will help quell the rumors.  (You just look very young!)  But yeah, you can't escape in a small town, but you don't have to wear a Yes, I'm Trans! sign on your back either.  I won't deny I'm trans if asked in a respectful way by someone I truly care about, but I won't tell nosy acquaintances.

Yes, the lying thing is annoying.  If I say I was married, people assume my ex was F.  So I use no pronouns.  If I tell someone my ex was male, they assume I was in a  gay relationship.  I am gay, so technically I was.

Skirting the truth can be annoying, but better than walking around naked all the time.

Jay

[Ryan]

Only 11 weeks on T. I pass as a school boy. My voice is very masculine now though.

[cynthialee]

Yeah T will effect your voice fast. Sevan's voice droped in the first 2 weeks and is still going down. And Sevan is only working on month 3.
Already my mates voice is lower than mine and I am a baratone. But as s/he uses female spreach paterns the effect is still female.

[Just Kate]

The problems you are having being stealth are the same as the ones I had.  The lying one especially got to me.  Eventually I stopped trying to be stealth and that solved some problems.  Sure it created new ones, but I felt better about my relationships with others - like my relationships were grounded in reality and not in deceit.