After much 'stalking' of Susan's Place for the past couple of years I've finally decided to become a member and introduce myself. I am 22 years old, and at most times uncomfortable with the male body I inhabit now. Not that I don't like my body, it is rather attractive, well in shape, and stereotypically masculine. But, poignantly speaking, when I look into the mirror I see someone that dominants my life, yes a feminine self, below this shade. I went to see a psychologist the past year with the intent of being honest about what I feel inside... Instead, I wound up embarrassed and shy of telling, and we ended up working on some symptoms of what I believe to be caused by my gender dysmorphia (i.e. depression, anxiety). I feel bad in the sense that I never told my psychologist, and have not really told anyone about this; consequentially, not helping me out in the long run.
I think the reason, I am finally joining this website is my outing last night to my friend. It was unplanned and it basically consisted of me telling one of my best friends everything. Yesterday was my birthday, and not a good night overall... For some sympathy, I called my best friend who lives out of town. Out of no where, I told him. I have told two other friends about my ->-bleeped-<-, and they both immediately rebutted it and told me I was fooling myself. Amazingly though, this friend listened to me talk about it, and I gave him a little bit of the story. He told me that, "This changes nothing, because obviously you were my friend when you were hiding this... And you are going to be my friend after this." I felt really relieved. Point being said, I am realizing I need to talk about this; even in an informal sense like "Susan's Place" as a stepping stone and source of support.
I don't know if the girls here normally do this in introductions, but I will tell you a little of the story of my journey so far. If you have any comments or suggestions, please, I would really like if you left them... I feel like I need some advice from individuals who have been through this (you!). I remember putting on a dress when I was six, with some makeup, with the help of my parents (they thought it was cute). That was probably the first instance of anything outside of my assigned gender. In the years of my childhood that followed, I would day dream about being a girl in a castle, or in a girl band, etc. These little fantasies, obviously, did not conform with my outward identity, and I kept it secret more in the sense that it was something that was mine that I didn't want to share. I grew to have crushes on girls in this time frame, though in this fantasy world I would also have relationships with the boys as a girl. My first sexual fantasies, when I was 12, were two girls having sex while I watched. Overtime, these fantasies evolved to where I was one of the girls... Finally, sometimes now I picture myself as a girl having sex with a man. Right now though, the thought of having sex with a man as a man is repulsive, and I don't find men sexually attractive. But the thought of me being a woman with a man... That is a different story. My story, obviously, extends beyond a sexual aspect. From a young age, I have been a sensitive, emotional person. I'm not the hardened shell of masculinity that is pressured for me to be. I look at the world, in my opinion, in an almost androgynous view point (a mixture of male and female). I am into typical female pursuits: cooking, fashion, upkeeping my appearance, etc. And, often times the things of male identity, I am not into (cars, sports, violence). As for my physical body, I feel there isn't a weight on my chest that is supposed to be there (breasts), or the wide hips and buttocks. I don't know if any of you have experienced this? I have experimented with cross dressing a couple of times, photoshopping pics of myself into my feminine self, and I am just trying to start on my voice... In a different sense that words can't pronounce, I just feeling like something is not right. That I don't fit in this form. That this isn't me.
There are things that are things that are of course holding me back, which are the regular laundry list of things (friends, family, is this what I really want to do?? What about having kids? Will it be better??). If you have any advice please let me know, and I hope to remain active here and hopefully find some guidance into what I really want!
Forallittook
