Controversy: Post-op, should you reveal being TG while dating?

[Debra]

From my blog: http://blog.jericanation.com/2010/04/controversy-post-op-should-you-be-up.html

I usually use my blog for telling everyone about my life and my transition but today I wanted to ask a question that isn't necessarily something I need to worry about for another year and a half but I'm still curious.

Over the last few months, I've had the chance to experience the dating life of a transgender woman. At first, I began by not posting my transgender status on my online profiles and I seemed to get a LOT of guys interested in me. I figured I could get to know a guy and then before we actually met in person, I'd have to tell him.

Well, I found that this helped weed out so-called "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s" but still posed a problem when I finally had to "come out" to somebody I'd been talking to. Most men seem to have a problem with being involved with a transgender woman even after they get to know you. The most common response I got from accepting guys was: "Oh that's cool.....well do you have any single friends?" Essentially, showing they were not interested in me any longer.

At some point, I decided to just start posting my transgender status on my profiles, therefore weeding out the guys that would not be interested in the first place. The problem of course with this is that the ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s start sending messages instead. I've found that the majority of responses I now get are guys that want a girl with male genitals....which I of course don't want anything to do with.

Anyway, the point of this blog post is to ask a question and get feedback from everybody. The question is:

Whether you were up front about your transgender status Pre-op or not.....Post-op, should you still be so up front about it? I mean the physical anatomical parts are no longer a concern but of course your male past will still most likely have to be delved into at some point if you get close enough to somebody.

What do you think?

[Janet_Girl]

As pre-op, post-orchie I have done both on some sites.  For the ones that see me as a cis-woman, they ether run for the hills when they are told, or think it is Ok to fondle my breasts.  The Trans-dating site seem to be mostly after one thing.  Gee go figure, they are guys. 

So I am giving up finding Mr. Right.  When I am granted SRS, I don't think I will say anything.  Of course it does depend on whether or not he is open.  I just would not want Mr. Right to become Mr. Wrong.

[rejennyrated]

There are postops who have got away without telling - but to me it seems to be a bit dishonest and a high risk strategy which has too many possibilities to fail, and perhaps in an extreme case even end up with you getting injured or even killed if a partner found out and felt betrayed.

A relationship is about two-way trust and I would be motally wounded if my partner witheld something like that from me. I know for sure that I would not judge anyone for anything they might tell me and frankly my currency for relationships is mutual trust and honesty. Anything less is just a meat market type wham bam thank you ma'am set up in my eyes. If someone was that lacking in trust for me then I would throw them out on principle, not because of what they were but because they hadn't had the common decency to TRUST ME.

It is ultimately an individual choice I guess - but I've always told, and so far I haven't ever been turned down. I've always been most careful to explain to them that I've had the op and even been willing to show pics if they need a bit of reassurance that there was going to be no unpleasant surprises. Most common reaction has been along the lines of  "wow - thanks for sharing that - but it's you as you are now that I love - that's just the past!" But I may have just been veru very lucky - or perhaps I have good eye for someone with an open mind.

[eshaver]

The way I see it , you save this subject on the "Need to know basis ". Ellen

[Little Dragon]

Like I've said many times before, I told my boyfriend that I wanted to be a girl and he was shocked at first, but eventually he came round to accepting it as a part of me and now wishes to support me..

I've never experienced being transgendered on dating sites, i dont really like like using such websites anyway.. Though, I am aware of the MILLIONS of "->-bleeped-<-" pornography on the internet.. Us transgirls are indeed highly desired, nearly as much as normal females..

[cynthialee]

If you cant find mister right you can always find mister right now....

[annyms]

Honestly, I don't think it should matter. You are who you are.

[K8]

As newly post-op and as a "woman of a certain age", I think I would tell if the relationship started getting serious.  I would also be sure to tell in a public place with lots of people around just in case the guy got weird. 

I don't think you have to wear a sign saying your are TS, but I do think you owe the information to anyone you get serious about (same as other background information like being previously married, having children, etc.).

So far, though, it is a non-issue for me.

- Kate

[KaleisGood4U]

My perspective is a little different.  I'm unsure where I am in terms of where I fall on the gender spectrum (somewhere between androgyne and FtM, would be FtM tomorrow if surgery were a little more advanced, honestly) but I've also had a serious illness where whether or not to tell comes up if I dated.  I don't because between school and my own personal issues, it's not a good time to throw someone else into the mix.  I digress...

I had cancer and I've been in remission since December.  Cancer probably earns more sympathy than undying yearning for a phallus, but it does run people off.  The chances of my cancer returning is somewhere around 1-3%, and the tumor, while huge, was integrous.  I wouldn't tell someone right away, although they most certainly will find out when I remove my shirt.  It's not just about not wanting to be dumped, but I can't stomach that weedling pity or the questions that can get calculating or rude or embarrassing.  It's private.  It's not about shame, but why am I obligated to tell someone about what amounted to a very unhappy time in my life before I know and trust them?  At some point I have to, simply because, like a post-op person, my life is a little bit different from a cisgender person or someone that never had cancer.  I don't think active deception is okay.  As someone else said, "need to know basis" is best.

[spacial]

I can't think of many things more unpleasent than a '->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-'.

I'm trying to imagine that there is some other aspect of yourself that you wonder if you would need to tell.

Suppose you don't have any legs, for example. Would you start off by saying so?

He's gonna need to find out eventually.

Now, if it were me and I didn't have any legs, the first thing I would be thinking would be, is this the sort of guy for me? In fact, whatever my circumstances, I would be thinking that.

So, I'd get to know him and decide if he's the sort of guy who I might be interested in dealing with. I can never be certain at that point. No matter what my circumstances are, I couldn't be certain from written communications.

Then, when I decide he is, I might decide to meet him, but, of course, I'd need to tell him that I'm the girl without any legs.

If that puts him off then that will confirm that he isn't the guy for me. Because I am what I am. I'm a pretty OK sort, I don't cheat, steal or lie. I hate cruelty and meaness. I think I will be pretty good company for someone, but not just anyone. I will be good company for someone who I like.

So, I suppose, I will suggest that, if a guy is put off by your medical history, then he isn't the guy for you anyway.

But I wouldn't be telling people what they don't need to know, until I'm ready. In the case of being post op, that would be when I was ready to try sleeping with him. Perhaps even afterwards. After all, if a guy is no good in the sack, what use is he anyway?
Post Merge: May 10, 2010, 09:09:00 AM
KaleisGood4U seems to have made the same point as me.