I'm at a stage in my transition where I feel as though I'm neither here nor there - I feel in between. I plan to go full time in 2011, and will start going out part time within a couple of months.
I have these ever-increasingly intense body image issues, which I never really felt before I starte transitioning. I have been 1 year on HRT. Now I look at myself in the mirror and all I can see is a male with a couple of mildly feminine curves, and softer skin, but still undeniably male. My partner told me the other day that I have now have the body of a slim teenage boy. I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or not. Perhaps I should, considering I used to have the body of a 40 year old cop who's eaten a few dozen too many donuts (no offence to cops, my dad used to be one and I totally respect them).
When I go out wearing my old clothes, which are now baggy, and my baseball cap, nobody casts me a second glance. I'm still called 'mate' and 'man' by checkout staff and store clerks, or what not. There is still no question of my physical maleness after 1 year of hrt. The only difference is fewer people call me sir now, and instead use 'mate' and 'man' more often - probably because I look like much younger.
When I go out with my hair down and wearing my old clothes, I think people tend to look at me, because I look half and half. I was on the escalator at the mall, and the guy in the opposite escalator approaching me whistled as he passed, and I know it's not because he thought I was female. Then I was sitting at the foodcourt, and the guy two tables down just kept staring at me really intently for like 2 or 3 minutes.
Then there are the days where I'll look at my face and take a photo and I'll look like a haggard male, and the next day I'll look reasonably female, or at least as close as I can get without surgery.
Why on earth do I feel a greater sense of incongruity now than I did before starting hormones? It really gets me down sometimes, not seeing the developments I want, although I do have them, and not seeing as many reductions of my male physicality like musculature that I want. I still look so dreadfully male on a day-to-day basis, and when I look at myself naked I just want to scream, because I look the same as I did when I was 14 (I reached puberty early, and haven't grown in height since then), except with small man-boobs, a smaller waist, and a mildly fatter bum, but still clearly male.
Am I expecting too much? I plan to give it another year, and if I'm not satisfied, then I will go via a full facial surgery and body surgery route.
Does anybody else feel a similar way? If so, how do you cope? I've spoken to my therapist about these issues, and she has no answers - she follow a Socratic method, and instead of answering me, she'll ask me a question to force me to think. Unfortunately, I have no good answers except to wait and see what HRT does, and if that fails, then have surgery. But in the meantime, how on earth do I cope with this horrible feeling, like I want to cry all the time whenever I think of how my body looks? It's really frustrating.
