'Tell me, what manner of creature are you? An animal, a vegetable, or a mineral?'
[Or, how I learned to stop worrying, and love my quirks.]
My story is quite simple. For the longest time, long into early adulthood, I never felt in terms of sexuality or ideation parity with either of the polarized genders. As a young boy, I enjoyed playing with the girls and with my sister's girl toys as much as with my boy toys, feeling it was just fair and made sense to mix and match the play of the two sets, just because it would be and was more interesting. Of course, my childhood became rocky shortly after this point. One bad parent at home, and one parent too distant, the father of course, and he made and makes a great deal of money for it, and did and does it for us. However, I quickly became the least favored child in the eyes of my mother, and she would often seek to punish me rather then try to understand and cultivate whatever it was that made me tick.
My parents divorced shortly after I entered middle-school, and my mother took my sister, and I elected to live with my father. Life was hard enough in school with me not sharing the same 'assumptions' that all the other children generally learn to share, simply due to my unique method of problem solving and and socialization. The isolation induced by my mother through excessive 'grounding' in no way ameliorated my discomforts with society, and I still remain jaded and cynical enough to make Mencken blush, and generally dislike people.
Throughout my teens, I was mostly stuck in a rut in which I would first excel at my work, then lose interest, then force myself to regain it, then excel at it for a short period of time. I have since concluded, through some rather harrowing seasons of depression while an adult and in the military, that I am likely borderline psychotic. These cycles seem to alternate with the seasons, and are aggravated by disruptions to my circadian rhythms, which have also proven themselves to be very much those of a night-person.
Presently, I have been meditating on ->-bleeped-<-. Am I androgynous? I am, a little in appearance, and likely more within my mind. Would I rather be a girl/woman? Probably, but the barriers to retraining my brain and body through therapy and hormones, and possibly surgery, seem massive and insurmountable, and I can't rationally think of myself as a woman anyways.
Many trans people I've talked to seem to dislike the idea of being 'nothing but a eunuch'. To me, the option piques my fancy, and is also pleasing to my understanding of history, which I am told is robust. I am not a girl, and I am not a boy, but fall somewhere in between. I would prefer to be more woman then man, but my knowledge of the options leaves me with an ill feeling in my stomach at the idea of considering myself a woman, even were that for all intents and purposes my body could be reshaped to reflect what I see on the inside. So what, in your opinions, am I? Taking callers....now.
