Soooo...am I a boy or not?

[HuntersandKings]

So I'm relatively new to the idea that I might want to be a boy and I was hoping for some help working through stuff cause the confusion is making it difficult to think about anything else. Basically, Id just like to hear your reactions to my experience and/or offer to compare them with your own. Its a long read but I would love your opinion.

Here are some of the key points of concern (reasons why I think I'm trans/might not be trans). This is pretty much all related to sex so... kiddos stop reading?

1. I really want a penis. That's really the crux of it. I didn't really realize it until I got into my first serious sexual relationship, about two and a half years ago when I was 17. My desire for a dick is primarily sexual but I've packed before and it did feel comfortable just to wear.  I've also used strap ons and such with girls and have both loved the simulation and hated it because it always fell short of being the truly mutual experience I crave. Sometimes I feel like I have a phantom penis when I'm having sex. It's like when I'm aroused the sensation manifests itself outwardly and I have this consuming desire to be "inside". (sorry this is getting explicit) It's so frustrating, overwhelming, and painfully intense that I've actually had to stop having sex before.

That said, there are lot of parts of having sex with a girl, mainly just the ability to ruffhouse and fit together, (as in cuddle not trib pervs) without an easily damaged appendage in the way, that I feel like I might miss if I were a boy. The feminist in me is also finds my attraction to penile vaginal intercourse a little repulsive, as I feel it may be a result of unrealistic, heteronormative, understandings of a mutual sexual experience. Still I find I focus too much on the other person to really enjoy any of the lesbian equivalents.

Finally, I've talked to a straight, cisgendered woman who was raped and she said she had experienced the same sort of phantom penis sensation and desire to dominate/penetrate. I do like to top, and I was sexually abused as a child, but I'm not sure if I can excuse my desire for a penis so easily, mostly because I'm not so much of an aggressive taker as an assertive giver.

2. I've never masturbated to the idea of someone touching me, it's always been to the idea that these sensations are what I'm making the other person feel. When I have sex, I'm also much more interested in pleasing the other person than being serviced myself. I wouldn't say that I've felt repulsion towards my genitals (though I've been feeling increasingly that they are inadequate) but I feel that this disassociation with my own body impairs my ability to orgasm with a partner (it can be done it's just much more difficult). This of course increases my desire for an, above mentioned, "mutual experience".
I'm not sure if this disassociation is a side effect of the childhood sexual abuse or not. I started masturbating pretty young, probably before this experience, but I hypothesize that, if this disassociation isn't tied to being ftm, it could have been a coping mechanism for taking the responsibility of doing something "naughty" off my shoulders. When I was really little, but probably after the abuse (not rape thank god) I also used to have kinda rape-ish fantasies. I think, regardless of my gender, that diffusion of culpability might have played a part in the formation of my masturbatory practices.

Soooo year...I've stayed away from actual gender talk because this post is already too long and most of my desire to be a boy is from a desire to have a male body, not because my personality is masculine or because I, necessarily, want a masculine gender role. I find the whole gender thing frustrating and contrived, but if I ignore it, along with any distinction between masculine and feminine aside from physical differences, is my desire to change my physical sex congruent with being ftm?

[Little Dragon]

I really want a penis.

You're a boy!

On a serious note.. Don't worry about thinking your feelings are centred around sex, having the body of a boy is part of being a FtM transexual Do you feel more natural wearing boys clothes or girls clothes? Do you like doing boys things?

Though I can only talk about my feelings being a MtF transexual.. I'd like to have the body of a girl and have my bf "inside" as you put it

[Banf]

My mum told me how she used to want a penis when she was younger (up to 25ish). She's straight cisfemale. I think it has something to do with her personality type, she pretty much always has to be in control, can't deal well with not being. She was also very tomboyish (while being a beauty show queen/model).

On the other side there are a lot of FTMs who's identity stemmed from wanting a penis, and I guess have gone on to transition, and not regret it.

Maybe not that helpful, but you just have to really think about it. Perhaps try a psych/counsellor for some help discovering if this stems from your abuse during childhood, being FtM/genderqueer in some way, or something else?

[sneakersjay]

I've wanted a penis since I was 4 and realized that other boys had them and I didn't.  I always felt like a boy.  And in less than 2 months I finally will have one.    Well technically I already have one but it is stuck, and it will soon be unstuck.


Jay

[Squirrel698]

I can't speak for the majority of the community here as I just joined.  However for me I've had feelings of being masculine long before I became sexually awakened.  I remember as young as three comparing genitals with a neighbourhood boy and being disappointed at the fact that I was nothing like him.  I thought I was a boy too and continued to think that way for a few more years.  Assuming my penis would one day grow in the way teeth grew in.  I never had any interest playing with girls and their games or being a girl.  My preschool teacher was concerned about it and spoke to my Mother about it.  Mom insisted that I was a tomboy but I knew better then at the age of 5 and I continue to know better now.  Unfortunately she and my father beat all the ideas about being a boy out of my head after that.  It's only now that I am finally an adult am I taking the steps to become what I have been all my life.

A penis does not make the man.  Sexually or otherwise.  A man is someone who presents in a masculine way.  I am very attracted to men and that includes FTMs.  Sex can be just as satisfying with a transman as with a cisgendered man.  It's not about what is between the legs, it is about expression and the way of man.  Of course strap-ons such as the feeldo help all if you have a desire to penetrate.  I masturbate with my feeldo, literally jerk off with it.  Half of it goes inside and is held tight by vaginal muscles, then rubs nicely on the outside as you move it.  I imagine it's not to different from having an actually penis, even if it is purple.  I hope they come out with natural colours some point in the future. 

I suppose what I'm saying is that if you are considering going all the way through transition just to get a penis then it is probably not worth it.  The results are substandard at best and that is after a series of expensive and dangerous surgeries.  At least that is what I have been led to believe.  I've never considered it for myself.  Basically being a man is a full body and mind experience.  I have to believe that most guys here are transitioning because they see no other choice.  They have to bring what is inside to the outside or they will never be a whole person.

I recommend you find a therapist that specializes in gender issues.  Make sure you don't go to just anyone because there is a lot of misunderstanding and bigotry out there even among professionals.  I don't know where you are from but doing a quick search online for gender dysphoria point you in the right direction.       

[kyril]

Do you want the whole male body package? Or just the penis?

There are lots of trans guys whose trans identity stems mostly if not exclusively from body dysphoria. Not being masculine isn't a red flag. And the strong genital focus isn't necessarily a red flag for transsexualism - there are trans women whose primary body issue is disgust with their male genitals, and surgery is their top and overwhelming priority

But the thing is, unlike the ladies, you're pretty much not going to get "proper" male genitalia barring some incredible medical advances that may or may nor be on the horizon. What you could get from transition would be everything that normally comes with a penis - a flat chest, more body hair, facial hair, a deeper voice, stronger muscles, a different hormone balance, an end to menstruation, and an outwardly-perceived reversal of sexual orientation (from lesbian to straight man, in your case). And because those traits send certain signals, you'll have a male social identity bestowed upon you at some point in the process.

If those are things you want, then you're trans. If they're merely things you're willing to put up with in order to have a penis, you might be trans but physical transition probably isn't for you at this time (because you won't get the penis). If they sound horrifying, you're not trans.

[Jam]

I agree with everyone else. The whole reason i want to be a boy is not because i want a penis (infact that part has only become apparent in the last few years). I want to be a boy because i have felt since the time i first realised i was a person that i felt more like a boy. I have always had male interests and wore more masculin clothing. I loved having a flat chest and dreamed of having a muscular body and being strong when i was older. As a teen i said to myself just try to be a girl for the sake of fitting in. I failed miserably and just couldnt get myself to do girly things like wear makeup etc. I also knew that i fancied girls and yet lesbian is a word that felt incredibly distant to me. It just didnt fit,  i realised if i was a girl i would never have had to try to 'make' myself be one. I just would be.
For me yeah i want a penis but the main thing is i want to be read as male, i want the body of a man. I want the male compliments (handsome not beautiful) i want people to automatically assume i know something about electronics and my favourite game is football even though it isnt. To be called 'she' and 'her' is something that really turns my stomach
and makes me want to scream. It wasn't always this bad, infact i never really used to notice it but since realising who i am its got worse everyday.
If you can relate to some of that then maybr you are but if its just the penia you want and your fine with being seen as female and your fine with the rest of your body i personally wouldnt think you were trans

figure it out before you rush into anything

[HuntersandKings]

Haha yeah I supposed I should have been clearer on the rest of my body. Yeah I'd like to change that as well... I've always hated my curves but my issues with my breasts, though I've always wanted smaller, are much more recent. I mean I like boobs and I've got a nice set. I'm just beginning to realize I don't want them on me. I've been binding for a few months and I've been amazed with how good it makes me feel. I just recently learned about the tissue damage and am trying to stop though. I'm just not ready to commit to top surgery yet and don't want to damage what I've got. Still, stopping has been really depressing. I hate how I look without a binder, which is kinda shocking since before I really didn't think about my breasts much at all. I also have always wanted a deeper voice. Like I hear in my head when I talk (or lower), not what I sound like when my voice is recorded.

Even with a binder, with my body type, I can rarely pass, so I don't go out of my way to try. I don't feel like I should have to make myself look like an unattractive male, in ridiculously baggy clothes, to be seen as I am. I just wear what feels comfortable and looks good on me. More often than not that means guys or gender neutral clothing. I wore a dress for the first time in maybe two years to a drag ball at my college and felt horribly awkward in it. I admit that I'd probably be more attractive as a femme, as in nearer to the femme ideal than to the butch one, but it just doesn't feel right. Still, I actually had sex with my then girlfriend (very femme) afterwards while still wearing it and it felt really kinky and illicit. Def not natural though. When I do pass, or when my partners/friends acknowledge my masculinity, it feels great. That said, I resent anything that would make me hate bing female or force me to be overly masculine just to get my "maleness" recognized.

As for doing boy things...idk the closest I really get is wanting to be the man in a relationship, and even then I wan't a very equitable dynamic like was modeled to me by my parents. I wasn't really a tom boy growing up, more of a book worm. I was/still am really into star wars, comic books, and action movies? I'm pretty dismal at, and have no real interest in, sports, cars, or anything like that. Neither does my father and like I said we're pretty much the same person personality and interest wise.

And as far as actually transitioning goes... I'm trying not to think about that to much. Just trying to figure out what I would want in the perfect world. From what I know of surgery, I feel like at this time, the options available might just make me feel more disphoric than anything. At my current level of disphoria, I'm not sure if it would be worth the money, pain, and isolation from my community/the lesbian relationships I love. I don't even do butch well, I can't imagine meeting most straight womens desires for a heterosexual male.

[Muddy]

I think, for a lot of us, the lesbian community was the first place we found a degree of self and social acceptance for our gender variance.  It was the first truly comfortable space where we could be our natural selves, as we understood it at the time.

Understanding all that, being alienated from the lesbian community is a scary thing when we start considering that our gender variance extends beyond simply being butch [or a butchy femme].
I'm a big fan of "The Testosterone Files" partly because Max Wolf Valerio does such a fantastic job of exploring the idea of losing his butch lesbian feminist identity as he transitions.

For me, I drew great comfort from identifying as a transman, rather than a man [perhaps a controversial idea?] early on in my self-exploration.

Talking with a GOOD therapist who is well versed in gender and sexuality, and being able to really explore your feelings, both positive and negative, about the idea of transition and having a male identity, helps greatly.

[HuntersandKings]

There are lots of trans guys whose trans identity stems mostly if not exclusively from body dysphoria. Not being masculine isn't a red flag.

I'd be interested to talk to these people. So if this is you speak up!

[Between Names]

I would definitely be one of those people.  I hate my curves, I think my breasts are horrible, I wish I had a dick, etc.  But I am SO not masculine.  My mom actually told me that she doesn't think I'm ready for hormones because I have so many "female tendencies."  (I told her off, but that's a different story.)

I consider myself to be a gay boy.  I'm femmy, and I don't really mind at all.  But I know that I'm trans.  No doubt about that.

[M.Grimm]

I hate having a female body. I do want a penis but that's actually not the most important thing, for me; I want a V-shape not an hourglass, I want pecs not breasts. I want a male physique. I want to be able to grow sideburns. I want people to look at me and see me as male.

I'm a little masculine for a "typical girl", but quite feminine for a "typical guy". Being femmy does not make me any less male. When my body becomes male-looking my behaviour is probably going to become even more feminine, because that is just how my personality works. I just repress it a lot because I hate being seen as a woman.

[Silver]

I'd be interested to talk to these people. So if this is you speak up!

Here. You can PM me or whatever.

My body dysphoria isn't specifically focused on my lack of penis though. It's just one of many factors that bothers me enough for me to pursue transition.

[Carson]

While my body dysphoria plays a huge part in my transition it is not the most important. Yes I want a dick and have the phantom penis feeling while I am having sex but there is more to it than that. I am all male, my behaviors and my thinking and the main reason I started transition is to feel comfortable in my body, not to get a dick.

[Nygeel]

I'm only going to speak of my own experience. For myself I've always been masculine, but never really aligned it with wanting to be male for a long time. My wardrobe has been all male since I was maybe 10, but didn't realize I could be trans or that I could be a guy. When puberty hit and it was time to get sexual I was uncomfortable with having my body touched. I still didn't equate this with being trans or being a guy.

When I realized transgender people existed...that my feelings towards my body and gender were similar to others I figured out that I was genderqueer then trans. My ID is still somewhere around there...it's complicated to explain.

I think that if you want to be seen as a guy and feel that being seen as male is right for you then it's possible that you could be trans. It's just something you have to figure out for yourself. I've had a lot of trans men say "I've had the same exact feelings as you" and others say "what you're feeling is not like that of myself/trans men." You just need some self exploration.

[elvistears]

I get ya.  I worked out a lot of my stuff through sex initially.  Like the phantom penis thing, I've always totally felt. I need to pretend to have a dick to really enjoy sex, otherwise I disassociate. And I am only really focused on the other person, that's the only way I get reactions from my body.

So that was kinda my starting point too.  Only you can decide if it's the right path for you, and it'll become clear as you go along.  I took small steps at first, just coming out to myself, but it felt more and more right and now I'm in the process of telling my whole world.  Which is scary, but exciting.  And I feel so much more comfortable in my body now, to the point where I can sit in front of the mirror for ten minutes just grinning at myself.  I don't think I've ever felt like that before.

[JesseA]

Like the phantom penis thing, I've always totally felt. I need to pretend to have a dick to really enjoy sex, otherwise I disassociate. And I am only really focused on the other person, that's the only way I get reactions from my body.

Does anyone else find it so hard trying to pretend you have a penis that at a certain point, everything just falls through and you either have to bear with knowing you have a female body and continue for your partner's sake, or just quit entirely? That ALWAYS happens to me. I've never had it not happen. I also have never have bodily reactions so much. Have never been able to masturbate at all and as much as my girlfriend turns me on, it never gets any further than the initial feeling of being turned on. It's like my brain refuses to let me be and acknowledge that my penis IS there it's just tiny and to go with that. Even when Im relaxed and completely comfortable and willing with her nothing happens. Am I the only one here?

[elvistears]

I get to this point where suddenly the fantasy can disappear and I feel all present and horrible and wish I could stop but I would keep going for my girlfriend's sake and kinda float.

Never masturbated much.  I tried but never got anywhere.  Down there it generally feels like nothing, or it hurts.

[Vancha]

It's a funny thing, for me, this... Dysphoria.  I think I have very strong dysphoria about my genitals. Not so much what's there as much as what's lacking.  It crushes me.  It is only getting worse, as well, as time goes on.  I don't really masturbate and coming off of SSRIs that I've been on for the majority of my life, I realized I have somewhat of a libido ("somewhat" being stressing it, admittedly).

I find that I simply give up on trying after a while.  You can only deceive yourself for so long.  I try to masturbate like a man, the only way my brain really knows how to (and how I always imagined doing it when I was a kid - I fantasized about it, actually), and it just... Well, it's miserable, isn't it?  You have nothing to work with.  You don't really "get hard"; and although technically you do, there's really nothing to grip... I've always felt like I was being denied some sort of expression of my feelings because I didn't have a penis, actually.  It was a method in which I feel I should be able to express myself.  The only way I could understand arousal was by... an erection.  I expect to get one.  I don't.  I might as well not have an arm, or a leg.

And why bother with sex?  All it does is make it all the more obvious that you not only feel mute, incapable of expressing yourself sexually, but inadequate and desperate for something unreachable.

It's not even about something hanging between my legs; it's about the psychology of it all and I'll admit it haunts me.

Of course there's more to it than that.  I'm a male person.  I've always been that way, I just had to come to terms with what implications that had on my life, and what I needed to do to be happy.  Or at least, as happy as I can be.

To be honest, I am waiting on medical advances, because I do need certain parts of my anatomy that are missing sorely.  I do need them.  I have hope that some day I might get them.  But the way I see it, some changes are better than none. At this point, I couldn't survive without transitioning.  I need to look, feel, and be perceived as male because that is who I am and I will not be able to function in society otherwise.  However, I will remain dysphoric about my body for a good long time.  It will simply lessen.

Just trying to contribute other viewpoints...

[JesseA]

I'm so glad you two answered. Now I don't feel as badly. Someday...........