Disowned

[V M]

Yeah, so I get home from an appt. today and my answer machine is beeping

My sister has left a rather lengthy message about how wonderful she is and how terrible I am

Also that I am no longer welcome in her house as I am a bad influence on her children and I'm just making an ass of myself

Although she has done a few nice thing on occasion when she wants something, Most of the time she's been a hassle and has burned me quite a few times

So I'm not sure if I should be happy, sad or indifferent

I do love her, but she doesn't own me anyway and she's been a real pain in the something since childhood

Anyway, anyone else been "Disowned"?

[cynthialee]

oh noes!
Well screw her! Next time she wants something tell her you only help family members and slam the door in her face.

[FairyGirl]

Last time I talked to my mom over a month ago I told her I would like to come see her when I get back to the States. Her reply was "well okay, but..." and there followed a list of conditions which I would have to meet, including how I should dress. I just said screw it and haven't talked to her since. But it became too emotionally draining for me to talk to her anymore and for my own sake I just can't deal with it right now. It was kind of hard on Mother's Day not to call her, but I knew if I did it would just be more of the same. Right now I need to stay healthy, happy, unstressed, and focused. As time goes on, appeasing the willful ignorance of those who show no interest in your actual welfare whatsoever just becomes less important in the big scheme of things.  *HUGS* Virginia 

[rejennyrated]

Thankfully it hasn't happened to me my family were great - but it did happen to my partner Alison.

She was disinherited and blamed for the fact that her mother subsequently committed suicide - which actually was more likely caused by the fact that her sister told her mother that if she refused to disinherit and disown Alison then Alison's sister would never let her see her grandchildren again.

Families can be very cruel sometimes, but please try not let her get to you. You are a lovely person and basically she seems to me to be just showing herself as rather selfish and a poor judge of character.

[Janet_Girl]

Not disowned, but put back in the box for 20 plus years.  As a result Mom and Dad never got to meet their one and only daughter.

If your sister calls wanting something, just say 'No' and hang up.  Besides you have a lot more sisters and brothers here. 

[spacial]

Yep.

My family has done so, on a number of occasions. Generally justified for a number of reasons.

It's a power thing. You have embarked upon a journey they don't recognise. It isn't part of their cosy view of the world. It sets you apart from them, giving you, in their eyes, more significance than they have.

The last time I spoke to my father was 1993. He attacked me in front of my wife.

I had already moved to the other end of the country at that time. My brothers, especially the older, continually turned up expecting hospitality. Eventually, my older brother was very rude to my inlaws so I asked him to leave.

One of his daughters recently wrote to me to invite me to her wedding. I wrote back a long letter saying no and describing in some detail, my life now. I know that will be passed around. At lest it will give them something to talk about and hopefully keep them quiet for a while.

They may be family, but it's your life. Ask youself, what they would do if you tried to radically alter the direction they have chosen.

Seriously, put them behind you.

[Miniar]

*hugs*

I've not had an experience such as this myself. I've had tremendous luck with my family and love them to bits for it. Even those that don't freely accept what I'm doing don't give me any grief over it at all.

I know that it's hard to hear something like that from "family" none the less, and I do echo the suggestion of just "putting her behind you", as hard as that may be.
Mind you, blood's blood, and I'd personally choose to be the bigger person, and help her if she found herself in dire straits, even if she wouldn't do the same for you.
But that is just me..

[Jasmine.m]

Sorry Virginia Marie

I've been disowned and reowned and disowned again... As if I could possibly be owned at all! But, it still sucks being treated that way. There's never any easy way to handle it when someone you love sets conditions for their love in return. Good luck, sweetie.

[BunnyBee]

You're on a long road to finding contentment, anybody that takes an exit before you get where you're going belongs in your rearview.  Such people are poison anyway.

So, that is the tough-girl speech... meanwhile I sit here a complete emotional basketcase because of a mostly innocuous letter my dad send me months ago.  Everything is easier said than done, isn't it?

Oh well.  I'm sorry your sister is an ass, Virginia.  Big, big hugs!!

[jannelle simone]

     So sorry to hear of your heartache, Virginia Marie. IMVVHO 'family' have the ability to inflict soo much pain simply because they ARE family, and we love them [ok, sometimes in varying degrees - tehehe]. Luved Fairy Girl's remark re "appeasing the willfully ignorant!" All the folk responding to your post offer sincere insights.
     Often people react with anger when they imagine themselves or their position in their own little corner of the world threatened, and sometimes simply because they are unhappy themselves and want to rain on everybody else's parade. Stay true to yourself and your dreams, girl - at the most basic level, YOU have to live with yourself and your choices. In one hundred years, what your sister said or did will not matter. I apologize for all the cliches, but cliches, like stereotypes, and 'old wives' tales' have an historical basis, and varying degrees of validity
      Hugs,
jannelle     

[PanoramaIsland]

My family has done so, on a number of occasions. Generally justified for a number of reasons.

I'm pretty sure I'm misreading you here, but disowning is very, very rarely justified. I disagree with you on some things, but I have a very hard time believing that disowning you was ever justified. Family is family, and we're stuck with our families for better or for worse. Not liking someone's attitudes or life decisions is no excuse to neglect your responsibility to them as family.

I've been very lucky - my family is very supportive of me, in my gender struggles as well as my other difficulties (depression, learning/cognitive disability, life mission to become a successful artist, etc.). I don't know what I'd do without them.

[chrysalis]

It is often difficult to realize how much worse off we would be to hide ourselves while competing tooth and nail for someone's love, than to cast them aside and realize the totality of our being. It hurts to have someone disown you, and often that is enough yet they also feel compelled to give you a detailed analysis of why. Perhaps this is to cope with feelings of guilt.

[Eva Marie]

Yes, been disowned by my mom and dad several times.

Funny, we still have a casual relationship via phone. Go figure. We're all getting older, and sometimes the disown stuff ceases to matter at that point.

Best bet is to lay low and see what happens.

And best of luck, virginia

[Cindy]

Sorry to hear that Virginia.

I thought she was accepting of you

Pm me honey, if you wish

Cindy

[glendagladwitch]

My parents disowned me 20 years ago, and we haven't seen or spoken to one another since.  My father said he would always love me, but he does not have to be married to me, he has to be married to my mother.  My sister broke contact for several years, but we have occasional contact now by phone, and make an effort to visit each other every couple of years or so.  She said she thought she was going to get disowned during her divorce until I started transitioning, and then she was the "good" child again.  I guess our mother was just in a mood to disown somebody.  Last I heard our mother won't go to my sister's house anymore because she doesn't feel sufficiently appreciated.  So I don't think my sister really benefited from not getting disowned.   Our mother is poison.  Pure religious nuttery.  I guess I'm the lucky one. 

[justmeinoz]

I like what Gilbran wrote, something to the effect that we don't own our children, but are just lent them for a while.  I guess the same applies to other family too.  Your sister sounds like a very selfish person, who doesn't deserve you. 
The fact that she doesn't wish to return the same unconditional love that you are showing her, is her problem.  She will be the loser in the long run.

[spacial]

I'm pretty sure I'm misreading you here, but disowning is very, very rarely justified. I disagree with you on some things, but I have a very hard time believing that disowning you was ever justified. Family is family, and we're stuck with our families for better or for worse. Not liking someone's attitudes or life decisions is no excuse to neglect your responsibility to them as family.

I've been very lucky - my family is very supportive of me, in my gender struggles as well as my other difficulties (depression, learning/cognitive disability, life mission to become a successful artist, etc.). I don't know what I'd do without them.

Oops. That was a really poor choice of words on my part.

I was meaning they justified it for various reasons. When they couldn't find any, they invented them. Some particularly offensive.

I'm not sure if it is acceptable. I only know that the gulf between my family and I is unbridgable. I accept that.

I was simply trying to make that point. That sometimes, even though they are our family, the best thing to do is walk away.

The notion that we own them anything or they owe us is a nonsense. We owe ourselves, to live as decently as we can and try to contribute to our societies. We owe no duty to a bunch of bullies who think they can dictate what is or isn't acceptable, based upon their own standards.

[tekla]

Take the W.C. Fields Approach and wonder, "Do I really want to be a part of any family that would have someone like me as a member?" 

[V M]

Thank you everyone for your replies

{{{HUGS}}}

- Virginia

[sarahm]

From what you have said, I don't believe that you deserve to have the stress she is causing by doing this. But she is family, and while family is very important, inner happiness is much more important, so do what makes you feel better about yourself, and try to not let anyone influence you in any way or form from reaching your ultimate goal, to be happy in your own skin, and to just be who you are.