how to be sure that you are mtf

[lucaluca]

how do you know that you are a male to female transsexual and not a crossdresser, a transgender or an androgyne? how do you know that you don't make a mistake? how do you know that you really are a female inside a male body? and how do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. i hope these questions don't sound offensive, because i don't mean it offensive. i really want to know how (or maybe why) you are sure that you are a mtf.

[Kellsie]

I knew early on when girls around me did not have the same anatomy as me and how I hated that thing between my legs.  I also longed to bear children which I could not.  But my parents raised me as a son and I fought the depression of it all throughout my life and then I found the answers on the internet and sought out both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist and was diagnosed as transsexual.  I hate names but I am definitely a woman!  I am comfortable as I can be at the moment until this birth defect between my legs is corrected.  But we go through hell trying to figure all this confusing stuff out.

[jill610]

I know because I've felt this way my entire life.  When feelings of being wrong start at 4 or 5, that's well before a child is really aware of what it means to be one sex or another.  And yet I identified with the other gender.  Growing up, my friends were mostly female.  Not because I was the super cool dude on the play yard, but because I knew how to talk with them and partake in their games.  I still can't play football...

I know because even today I am haunted by a feeling of being wrong.  A sense of loss for not being able to live as I feel.  A feeling of missing out on things that are a normal part of a girls life.  When I was in college, I was immensely jealous of my female friends because I wanted to be them. 

I almost transitioned when I was in my early 20s.  Then I got sick and wanted nothing more than to be "normal."  So I got married.  Guess what, now the feeling of wrongness is so immense that I frequently don't know what to do with myself.  Like seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm just going to implode if I can't make this right. 

[Christy Edwards]

Your ?'s are not offending at all. ?'s I have had as well. I am 52 and been crossdressing since before I was a teenager. For years I CD'd and because of the gender I was born with, came lots of guilt. I hated me always until recently, meaning over the past year or so. I now like me. The ? I had to ask was do I like me as a male. My answer was no. From the moment I start my foundation/make-up, everything about me is different. I have confidence, and love who I become.
When I start to take my make-up off or remove my nail polish, I become depressed about it. This is the 1st time that I have kept my legs and arms shaved. I love the feeling. Exactly when my full time transition will occur, dont know, but I will. My wonderful wife always knew I cd'd, But now she knows its more. She loves me and is behind me. I know I have expressed alot, but I do hope this helps ya some.

[Sandy]

Well, one way is to look at the more clinical definitions about cross dressing and transsexuality.

Some cross dressers CD for eroticism.  Others do it as a release from stress or as a hobby.  Some, like Ru Paul, for example, do it for a profession.  But at their core, these people still retain an inner identity of their birth gender.  They do not wish to become female.

Transsexuals generally cross dress because they have an inner identity that is opposite of their birth gender.  Generally cross dressing is not an erotic experience for them, but a way to feel normal.

Androgyne's, or gender queers may cross dress or blend elements of both gender as a statement of defiance of societal norms.  Or they may truly feel genderless.

What it comes down to is your *internal* feelings.  Not how you dress.

Additionally, the journey through transition into the opposite gender is very, very difficult.  But many feel that they have no choice, no real choice to remain who they are.  In extreme cases it may actually be transition or die.

If you are questioning your gender and have no clear idea of what to do, then please see a therapist.  Preferably one who has had training in gender identity issues and is part of WPATH.

Unfortunately, there is no objective test for transsexuality.  You are because you say you are.  Questioning your motivations is something we all do.  And that is healthy.  I still do it occasionally.

Through therapy you can, hopefully, find answers to your questions.

-Sandy

[cynthialee]

Mainly because I have known since childhood. It just is. Its like asking 'why is water wet. '

[Janet_Girl]

For me it is easy.  When I see my body without the skin tag it looks normal to me.  And I have always been call ether a "F**" or "Queer" or just plain been called a girl. 

And my natural movements have always been feminine in nature.

[Pippa]

It is being comfortable in your own skin.  It just feels right.  It is not about clothes or make up.   It is not about sex.   I could be dressed in a boiler suit and welders mask but inside I would be female.    I don't percieve myself to be gay.   I don't dress for show.   I am not attention seeking or camping it up.   I am being me and living my life.   

There was a drag act in the UK called Lily Savage (retired from the scene a few years ago).   Once in an interview she was asked the difference between a drag artiste and a transexual.   She replied that a drag act is out there over glamourising the world and being over the top.   When the act is over they can't wait to take off the corset and step out of their heels.   A ->-bleeped-<- is in it for the kicks, sexual or otherwise.   A transexual wants to go down to the supermarket to buy milk.

The point is that being a transexual is not about show.   We want to live our lives in our preferred gender role as unobtrusively as possible hence the obsession with passing.   We suffer anxiety and depression when we fear not passing or when we are prevented from living our true lives.

[K8]

First off, Lucaluca, your questions are excellent and not offensive.  Some people know and others have to wrestle with the questions before knowing.

I knew I should be girl when I was three or four, but as I grew older and thought I was stuck being male I convinced myself I was a cross-dresser.  For a long time I thought I was neither/both, somewhere in the middle or somewhere else.  I didn't really know if I was a cross-dresser or genderqueer or androgyne or something else, although the 'something else' seemed more likely since I never really fit into the other categories.

As I came out to others and to myself, became more open about being not really a man, then began living as a woman full time, and as people began seeing me either as a cross-dresser who always presented female or as a woman, I gradually realized that I am really just a woman.

But for me it was a gradual process.  I had the help of a good therapist and wonderful friends through the process, which helped me a lot.

As Pippa said, it is about being comfortable in your own skin.  I finally feel right.  I finally know exactly who and what I am.  But it took a lot of work and questioning to get here.

Keep asking your questions, Lucaluca.  You'll find the answers that are right for you – and those are the ones you want.

- Kate

[sarahm]

It was kind of difficult for me. I was exposed to the female anatomy during my years in prep (Pre-grade 1) and I knew what females had I felt like it was odd that I had something different. Later on though, during puberty I became socially disconnected and could not associate the difference between male and female anatomy (Odd Yeah? It gets worse!) I always had the feeling that I wanted to be a girl, each time I got some female clothing I felt happier about myself, until I had a total psychological relapse. I was confused for 15 years of my life. I felt trapped within myself, like it wasn't my skin that I was in. My body reacted to females, yet my mind was looking at guys, but essentially A-Sexual, until I had another Psychological Relapse and got a girlfriend whom I was with for 5 months. When it came time to engage in sexual intercourse, my mind threw up the biggest most powerful shield (If felt like I was screaming at myself in my own head) naturally, we did not have sexual intercourse and I was looking for an excuse to get out of there and try to think about what just happened. We broke up a week later.
And I had crossdressing habits almost all my life. That is about how I figured out that something needed to be done, and I did countless months of research, then therapy, and now I am transitioning. I have no doubt in my mind that this is what I need to do. My general quality of life has improved substantially since being on hormones, I love myself! I like my reflection in the mirror. Before, I would get upset every time I saw myself in the mirror.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my future is to be female, it is the only way I can be happy and actually live my life. ^_^

[rejennyrated]

I think the key question is does the clothing matter more or is it what is inside the clothes.

Since a very early age I knew that I was MtF (although obviously when you are a toddler you don't think of it like that.)

But I have never worried that much about my clothes. Sure I have some lovely female clothes now because I am a woman, but to be honest I could be just as happy in a suit and tie, because it isn't the clothes that bother me... it's what lies inside them.

For me it was always about the physical aspects of my body, and indeed once adult sexuality became awakened, about the way that I was going to "connect" sexually to another human being. Clothes I just see as window dressing and I really don't consider them to have an innate gender, so I just wear what I like.

OK this next bit is a gross oversimplification so please those of you who are detail freaks don't pick me up on it! I'm just trying give the OP an idea...

Basically if you are ok with having male bits and a male body inside the clothes then you are unlikely to be MtF but if you are instead ok with the suit and tie, but merely wish that the body inside them was unambiguously female then you are clearly MtF. For me the second case was 100% of where I was.

[Northern Jane]

Despite having all the classic textbook signs, I grew up in the 1950's and 60's and was a pretty extreme case. I thought I WAS a girl and it took 8 years to beat that out of me. Through my teens it was more knowing what I WASN'T (a guy) than what I WAS - except for being some kind of freak. Time spent living in girl mode was easy and fun and time trying to pass as a guy was awkward and miserable but there was no way to know for sure whether or not I WAS a girl until I could live TOTALLY girl - that came at age 24. I was just amazed how easy and natural life was after that. When you spend your whole life in a jail cell, freedom is just a concept, an idea, until you have it - then it becomes reality.

I don't believe you can EVER know for sure until you have lived it but I think understanding what you AREN'T is the strongest indication of what you might be.

[Asfsd4214]

I just know. I can't begin to truly explain what that's like, it just is.

I've always known, I've only understood what I've known for the past few years, but I've always known, and evidence as clear as and including outright saying "I'm a girl" litters my life back to about 5-7 years old.

I know because I don't feel comfortable functioning as a male, in any way, shape or form. Because something in the back of my mind has always said it's not supposed to be that way, my entire life.


How do I know I'm doing the right thing? How do I know what I am? I simply 'do'.

I don't really care about the labels, I know what I am with clarity, others can define it however they like, it's all vague semantics anyway. But I do know I can't live as a guy, and I'd sooner be dead than try again.

But don't get me wrong, I did a lot of thinking about my reasons and certainties in the beginning. I spent a good 8 or 9 months solid of my waking life going over it before making the decision. In the end I never reached any conclusion where I could point to something tangible as the defining factor of my existence. What I instead reached was the understanding that I'd kill myself if I didn't transition then and later regretted it, and if it was the wrong thing for me despite everything I felt, doing it was the only way I was ever going to come to realize that.

So I went forward, and I can now say with 100% certainty that my feelings were correct. I don't know why, but for some reason I just can't be a guy, a lot of people have asked me what 'feeling' like the opposite gender is like. I don't know what they think my motivations are, but I just have to live with the fact they'll never truly understand, and that that's not their fault. I certainly can't explain it. It's a part of the human perception that can't be properly conveyed in words.

Sure I could say that it's that "I don't feel like I have the right anatomy", but that would be massively understating it. I sort of see it as there being 3 major gendered aspects of the human experience, social, sexual (not orientation) and physical. And for me, all 3 I perceive as being female orientated.

I could say that some doctor said they believed I was... but I honestly don't care what anyone who ISN'T me thinks I am, because I know they can't know what I know, because they're not me. They will always be missing something huge in understanding my experience of living, that's just the way it is.

I feel like my entire life has been leading up to transition, all it needed was a spark to set off my realization that transition was actually possible. I didn't know it was until just before I turned 20, everything that's happened since then has lead to where I am now. I wanted to be a girl when I was 10, I have internet accounts registered as female from when I was 13, I always knew, it was just a matter of time till I transitioned. I'm just glad I never spent much of my life living as a 'male', I didn't have a lot of the classic male experiences, and I'm glad that I never will. I'm sure some people would ask how could I know I don't want to be male if I never experienced it properly? Again, the only answer I have is 'I just do'.

So yeah, that's my explanation. Everything about this whole situation, the answer for me is 3 words.


I just do.

I hate being transgendered, I doubt a time will come where I don't hate it, I doubt a time will come where I don't still feel the pain of what I missed out on. I don't think of what I am as a 'gift', to me it's a 'curse'. But in-spite of that, I don't envy those of us who don't have the benefit of being as sure and absolute in their feelings. My 'choice' was a relatively easy one. I had almost nothing to loose from giving up my 'male' life, because my inability to lead said life had lead to me having very little invested in it. And for that I'm grateful.

[K8]

I don't believe you can EVER know for sure until you have lived it but I think understanding what you AREN'T is the strongest indication of what you might be.

I wanted to emphasize this.  I always knew I was male but not a man.  I didn't know what I was, but I certainly knew I wasn't a man. 

When I began living full-time, I told my daughter that I thought I would be happier pretending to be a woman than I had been pretending to be a man.  As it turned out, I donn't have to pretend to be a woman - I just am.  But I didn't know that when I started - I only knew I was miserable trying to be a man.

- Kate

[FairyGirl]

I honestly don't care what anyone who ISN'T me thinks I am, because I know they can't know what I know, because they're not me.

this is classic.

When I saw the topic question "How to be sure that you are mtf?" the first response that came to mind was "because I had male parts". My parents told me over and over I was a boy, but I hoped against hope that it was a mistake, and I felt that someone somewhere had gotten it terribly wrong. I thought that maybe there was still a chance that the damn thing would break off while I took my nap, until the horrible realization finally sunk in that I was trapped this way.

I know a lot of us try very hard to accept this seemingly inevitable curse and fight that feeling for years, but it's just something that can never go away because it is innate.

[lightvi]

Those are good questions and I like questions =]. I pretty much came into the world asking why lol.

Anyway, for me it's looking in the mirror every day and hating the guy face staring back and feeling like it's not a real representation of what I truly feel on the inside. I've always related to girls more and I just don't "get" guys a lot of times.

Never stop asking questions, no question is stupid .

[pebbles]

thanks for all the answers.

another short question. i read that hormones work better if you are young. what's about 22? how do hormones work at this age?

It depends on your genetics I was 22 when I started. They work good enough by the end of this week I will be 4 months in I've got small boobs my muscles have thinned down alot and my face looks pretty different.

Edit And I knew I was MTF because screaming at myself that I wasn't for years just wasn't a convincing lie any-more.

[BunnyBee]

It's like vexing said, if you don't have clarity in this  simply try things and see if anything helps.  Thinking only takes you so far and your thoughts can be very deceptive.  Bias always takes the driver's seat, logic is just there for the ride.  Also, the capacity of the human brain for denial and memory suppression is unbelievable.

If you put on female clothes and that fixes everything, then you may be a crossdresser.  If not, keep trying things till you do feel better.

They work good enough by the end of this week I will be 4 months in I've got small boobs my muscles have thinned down alot and my face looks pretty different.

Wow you look waaay different Pebbles!

[LordKAT]

thanks for all the answers.

another short question. i read that hormones work better if you are young. what's about 22? how do hormones work at this age?

22 is young. The differences of how well it works are pretty far from almost nothing to miraculous. At your age you chances of being closer to miraculous are greater.

[Alyssa M.]

I cringe when I read the old notion about eroticism. There are many reasons that it's problematic. Certainly some people fit the classical models, but many others transitioning years ago simply claimed to in order to get access to treatment at a time when it was highly restricted.

There may or may not be sharp lines. I tend to think there aren't, except the ones painted by society and by researchers. The truth is it doesn't matter: all that matters is your particular experience. That may or may not be similar to anybody else's. You may read many accounts of people's experiences in order to develop some sense of what is possible. But your experience will be different.

As many others have said: you need to find out for yourself, by doing, not thinking.