Did you know as a child?

[Nilisa]

No, I don't think I did. I can't remember most of my childhood so I can't say how I did or didn't feel. Yep, I'm 20 and I can't remember how I felt!

I do know that "feelings" started to form during puberty, though. I know that I've, on various occasions, wanted to break through the skin between my legs in the hopes that something was there. I've felt that my hips (and perhaps buttocks) are more feminine, I feel like I've got "breasts" (Moobs that are a bit too breast-like  ) and there's been a few other clues.

But as a child? I can't say with certainty.

[ClaudiaJ]

My earliest memory was sometime between Head Start and first grade (I don't have much memory of anything or a coherent sense of time before second grade), the teacher was trying to teach the words male and female I think. She asked all the females to stand up first, so all the girls stood up, but so did I. When she told me specifically to sit down, I was confused and worried I did something wrong. Then she told all the females to sit down and the males to stand up. All the boys stood up. And with a look that makes me feel like a retard even today, and a voice filled with frustration, she told me specifically to stand up. A sudden realization hit me and I cried.

Another time I wet myself during naptime and the teacher (not the same as the previous story) had a spare pair of purple girls underwear. I remember wondering why they were so much nicer than all the underwear my mom bought me, but I didn't think too hard on it. My mom freaked out over it when she found out later at home. She threw them away and made me wear the bland stuff she bought me. I think this is before I understood the difference between boys and girls, so I didn't understand why she was mad at me.

Another time I remember was at Christmas, my grandma bought all three of us baby dolls. I opened up the box and as soon as I saw it, I was horrified. I thought "But boys aren't supposed to play with dolls! They're going to hurt me if I get caught playing with this." I remember looking at my parents trying to figure out what they thought about it, to see if they were mad at me. It never did figure out that the kitchen set wasn't for boys either.

I was always sad that the other girls wouldn't have anything to do with me when we played at school. The schools counselor wherever I went usually had to pair me up with other boys in class because they were so worried about me lurking in the shadows alone. In the 6th grade I hurt every part of my body trying to make friends at lunch, because everyone else was playing soccer. After that failure I just went back to finding some secluded shadows to sulk in.

Most of the time I wouldn't let myself think about it. A few times I had a dream where I was a real girl, and I would be so happy until I wake up. I fell into a few minor depressions like that, trying so hard to think about something else. I couldn't be a girl, it just wasn't possible.

My mom took me to the doctors who diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder the year before, their reasoning was my "high" moods and "low" moods, and the fact that I would usually break into tears "at the drop of a hat". I saw a therapist for about a month, but since I had no idea how to articulate what was wrong with me without sounding insane, I never really talked to him. I was on this drug called Depakote for a few years. I hated it, nothing ever felt right and I was just going through life on autopilot. I stopped taking it once in the 5th grade (I think) and suffered horribly for it. I eventually figured out how to ween myself off of it sometime in the 6th grade.

My biggest depression was in the 7th grade when I got my first computer made from dated parts that my dad replaced with his constant upgrades. I had got onto the internet completely unrestricted. I came across pictures of girls doing things I knew no boy could ever get away with. Cute things, girly things, things I so desperately wished I didn't have to specifically avoid doing by accident. I was in bed fantasizing about the life I should have had, and crying for the rest of the month. If I had just Google'd "I want to be a girl" then, I could have saved myself from that, asked for a therapist who specialized in gender stuff, I may even have been able to go through high school as a girl. Instead I chose to repress it again, put it out of my mind because it's impossible.

It wasn't until my sophomore year I had my first awakening. It was already too late to see a therapist. I wasn't covered on health insurance anymore, we lived in Kentucky and the school's counselor and my mom both agree'd the kids at school would give me trouble if I showed up as a girl. I had to wait until I was 18 and could do stuff for myself.
18 came and went, high school was over, and suddenly my mom's signing me up for college at the place she works. No way could I embarrass her at her own job like that.

So here I sit with a degree that still can't find me a job, no money, no progress beyond my long hair, once again feeling the debilitating dysphoria. Still living with my parents because I couldn't manage a job and still get straight A's in college.
Now I need to find a therapist on my own and hope I get lucky with no money. And I just hope I can get on HRT without having to go full time first. My parent's will never notice, and I don't have to fear being kicked out on my own before I've found a job.



I think I got carried away here...

Yeah, I guess I did "know" as a child. I wish that I understood instead.

[Yagami]

When family and such treated me as a girl when I was a baby, I just assumed they had gotten it wrong somehow. When I imagined myself as an adult, I was a man, and I just assumed that's how it would go. I didn't really understand anatomy and all of that, yet. Once I did, though, I just assumed that I would deal with it-I had gone that long acting as male, I would just continue to do it.

It was when I hit puberty that I realised I would actually have to change my body to be in sync with my gender.

[kyril]

If I had just Google'd "I want to be a girl" then, I could have saved myself from that, asked for a therapist who specialized in gender stuff, I may even have been able to go through high school as a girl.

This is pretty much exactly what I searched for at age 11 or 12: "want to be a boy." It helped a little bit, in that I knew I wasn't alone, but it didn't help as much as you'd think - the sites I found at the time had dated/bad information.

[Dweia]

I can't be sure, but whole life I've had problems to fit in "male groups".  I'm totally external and most of the time I'm acting a male role 

But if I'm the only man in female group, I'm relaxed and I don't need to act anything.
This situation is kind of frustrating.

But whole life I've felt like I'm an alien... So I'm just me, not male or female, but it's easier to pass as male 

[insideontheoutside]

I totally knew from the moment of my earliest memories.

[Mr. Fox]

I vaguely knew something was wrong as a child, but not even that it was gender related.  I have always been dull and thickheaded about figuring out new things about myself or the world; I have to hear about or read about something before the idea will even occur to me, I can't just think of my own feelings and figure it out.  Well, not for everything, just some things.  I had the same problem with sexual orientation before then; I knew about gay guys, but not lesbians until sixth grade, so since I was a "girl," I had to like boys, and I didn't recognize my crush on Wendy for what it was.  Likewise, I never figured out why I was depressed my whole life (there WERE/are other reasons for that) and why I hated being seperated into the girls' group.  Part of this was also probably me being really effeminate and my parents not having much in the way of gender expectations for me.  I did figure out it was gender related on my own eventually, and then I learned about transsexualism and shortly after that it was clear.

[Northern Jane]

Until I figured out sex at around 7 I was pretty sure we got to choose wheather we would be women or men at puberty.

I grew up in farm country so I knew what sex was all about right from the beginning. In childhood I was certain I was a girl and I had perfect faith that puberty would put things right and that the adults would see that they were wrong and I was right. When puberty DIDN'T work right I became a whole lot more obnoxious about being a girl and pushing the issue, constantly skating a fine line at the edge of being committed to an institution as a "nut".

Puberty was a h@ll of a traumatic time for me and very confusing. Due to some hormonal abnormalities, I had some female development and some male. The female was very affirming and the male made me frigging NUTS!

[Kairi]

I knew I wanted to be a girl since 5. In my early school days I was nearly always playing with the girls.

[Dana Lane]

I didn't know until late in life, actually. I always knew there was something wrong. I felt totally out of place my entire life. Maybe I was just totally naive. After not having a serious relationship for 25 years I decided to find out what was wrong. Why my twin brother was always in a relationship and I wasn't. My family secretly thought I was gay. I sure fooled them! I'm bi, actually. :-) I lived my life as a straight male and when I finally connected the dots I realized I needed to reevaluate my sexuality. I tore it down completely and then let it come out on it's own. I used to be a bit homophobic (only if something invaded my personal space) and think that was a defense mechanism.

All I know is now I am truly happy. Sometimes so happy and comfortable in my own skin I feel giddy and will dance around my apartment.

[Astarielle]

Can't say I did. I won't say I was a normal child, I was...quiet, from what I'm told. I can't remember my childhood too well, just bits and pieces, but from what I'm told by parents is I liked to play by myself, and did odd little things. No real gender issues as far as I know.

It's what's gnawing at me, because everyone struggles so much, and since they could walk and talk they've been trying to be who they were meant to be. Not me. I do a some pretending online, someone suggests I might be trans, and we discuss and I'm like "I think you might be right."

[Dante]

It seems that people on this forum divide into:

A. Knew from infancy with greater or lesser clarity
B. Sense of something "not right" which crystallised aged 10-12 (at the start of adolescence)
C. Late Flowerers

Do you guys think that is a fair assessment?

Yup, that seems pretty accurate. Nice job. 

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one naive to my own feelings.  I still can't figure out my feelings, because I'm a logical kind of person. I don't like dealing with emotions and things like that, so I guess I just didn't understand my feelings of not being like everyone else early on because I didn't think about it in an emotional way. 

[Stephanie2664]

Yes. Age 9 I knew for a fact. Before the fateful day I learned the word transsexual I didn't know what was wrong with me I just knew I was very odd, but as soon as I saw my first talk show on transwomen it clicked and I knew without any doubt. (just took me 32 years to do something about it.)
Yes I played with girl toys preferably and prefered girls to boys at all times but alowing myself to think I might be a girl was not going to happen until I had the vocabulary for it.

I can completely relate to this.  Though,  for me it was a book about Christine Jorgensen that I happened to read when I was about 12.  Wasn't my type of book, not sure where or even why I had it at the time, but I read it front to back and that was when I realized what was going on with me.  Before that book I never really thought much about why I played more with girls, felt more comfortable around them then the boys, etc...

But, having an ex-marine as a father, and the years being mid to late 70's, and him being a full-blown, abusive alcoholic with unrealistic goals for his first born son, I was doomed.  So, here I am 34 years later just beginning down a path I should have ventured many, many years before.

(Anyone remember the Wonder Woman show from the 70's?  I wanted to 'be' her.  Not a normal thought/desire for a young boy, I am sure...)

Have a great day.

[cynthialee]

Linda Carter as Wonder Woman was the woman that awoke my sexual interest in females. As an object of my youthful fantasy she started my confussion. I wanted to be female but here I was lusting females. I didnt understand sex and gender at all back then. It didn't even occur to me that trans women could be lesbian until I saw the movie 'Better than Chocolate' about 7 years ago. (required viewing in the circle of lesbians I was hanging with at the time) One of the characters is a lesbian trans woman. Then I had an oh duh moment. Still took me a number of years to transition. lol (I am dense and mule headed.)

[PixieBoy]

When I was in kindergarten, I used to pretend that I were male characters from shows and such, for instance, Lucky Luke, Mowgli from the Junge Book (I used to run around shirtless with a pair of red shorts on, thusly mimicking the Disney Mowgli), and Buzz Lightyear. My "idol" was Joan of Arc, and I LOVED pretending to be a knight along with the boys when the girls were playing with dolls.

I used to get mad at people when I couldn't take my shirt off in the summer heat, and I felt odd when people called me a girl (as in, "Hey, that girl's climbed really far up in that tree!") but happy when I was with boys, or sorted into the boys' team during gym class, etc. I had long hair during that time (approx. 6/7 to 10 years old), and I disliked it. My mother always put it in these tight braids, it got tangled in stuff, it was hot during the summer, etc. I remember looking at my male friends' hair and wanting to have short, practical hair, like them.

Puberty was awful, well, when the body started developing at age 12 or so. I remember how much I hated it, and how disappointed and sad I got when I realized that I couldn't turn back into my original self, but had to walk around with bizarre flesh-growths for all my life.

I'm not sure if I am FtM or even trans at all. I think that I'm FtWTF (Female to What The Frack).

[Shynoir]

Of course I knew it as a child. From my early childhood I never considered myself a male. Strangely not female either in the sense of anyone in my locality though. I was completely withdrawn from what was supposed to be my primary language and culture. Instead relate closely to westerners, for the choice of language (english) and dress code. Probably this desire to be somewhat different arose from my insecurity. At the beginning many relatives commented that, as a child I'm growing up to be quite an aristocratic person (their way of saying "kind of foreign" and "very modern" ~_~). They meant it as a compliment though.

Yet, as I grew up I felt the need to put a fake mask in front of my family all the while quite sad and depressed deep inside on why I was not given a choice. This began when I was but three years old. I remember things from my third year very well. At first I tried to convince myself that this was just a phase, but it really wasn't. At the age of five I found myself researching about it in the internet. Apparently I didn't believe what I was going through is a disorder but rather the lack of choice. A birth defect. We all are genderless and more female during our initial development in the womb after all... (what is it called a zygote->embryo?) In my case some strange influences intervened and changed those initial development.

By the age of 10 I understood that I indeed am a girl, and may be no way to change that. Checked out transgender topics and eventually got scared off by the ineffective results (I probably looked at just CD pictures... but did I know that? >.<).. and gave up on life. I became introverted, unbelievably shy, and somewhat ashamed. I knew who I really was, yet during school and high-school I was placed in a class of 40+ male students. A co-ed school for sure, but different classrooms for boys and girls. What happened? I shut down by brain, which I thought for good. I moved slow, hardly responded, never got up or go out in between class. Not even a shred of a smile came to my lips since the age of 10.

Everyone thought there was something wrong, but mother was very protective of me. She went in and out every day out of school speaking to teachers and principals, and thew any and all influence she had to help me out. There was one thing everyone really liked about me, I studied. I scored never a less than a 90% in every subject consecutively every year. Teachers, even the tough ones melted from seeing my mother's constant defense, and impressed by my academic merit. They simply let me stay like that. They didn't ask me questions in class, did not call me up to read or work out on the board or anything. My mother did a lot. However, they never knew the main cause of why I became introverted and so detached. Instead of all that effort, I just wish that mother would just once sit down and ask "why are you like this? you can tell me" strangely she never even asked that.

Well when it was time for college I opted out, I simply was not ready. How would someone so... catatonic, shy, and introverted survive in college. She agreed and gave me an year off to prepare myself. I kind of did... that freedom of an year where I was alone almost all day at house gave me time to think.  The shell that I've build around me slowly began to crack as I slowly began to imagine life if I was given the opportunity to fix this birth defect and become whole. Eventually I re-visited the concept of sex change. Ignored everything about transgendered and what not. I knew the topic of my interest was sex change. The key players for my inspiration was understanding the effects of HRT and SRS, that alone changed my perspective. Oh, and I never continued college, been freelancing online since. I couldn't and wouldn't survive in a crowd until I'm fully a girl.

Oh here I go rambling on again... I better stop 

[Chris968]

My first memory of questioning my gender was when I was between 4-5.  I would pray every night that I would wake up as a boy and then the next morning check my pants and cry because it didn't happen.  When I was 7 my aunt got married and I had to be the "flower girl" and I blew a big enough fit my parents let me wear a suit!  However I did not actually learn the term transgender until I got to college, so I lived with the feeling of something not being right for a long time and not knowing what was wrong.

[Rayalisse]

I used to play mommy when we played house as a child, I'd dress up and pretend I was a girl, play with dolls, I'd do my nails.  I used to play with my LEGOs and other make-believe that I was the main character - who was the girl...  In school, I always preferred girls as my close friends and even envied my girl friend's "female problems".  I was a drama geek in high school and enjoyed dressing and playing women's roles when i could.   I think my parents noticed and they definitely tried to reinforce "you're a boy" with me and when they picked up on my effeminate behavior, squashed it when they could.  I don't recall having access to anything that wasn't "boy" related, and in fact got a lot of "boys do this or that" or "boys don't do [insert behavior here]".  How could I argue -- according to my body I was a boy.  But I reeeeeally wanted to do girl stuff.

Eventually I just chalked it up to that I am an effeminate man and that's that.  I wound up getting married, raising a family and until recently I haven't thought of my gender identity.  So, long answer is at some level I always knew but I didn't admit it to myself until about about 6 weeks ago.

Cheers -

Raya

[clairezoey]

when im child, i always play with doll..hehehhe...cat doll and rabbit doll.........

but!!!!!!!!!!

i play fighting like power rangers.......super cat vs super rabbit..wahahhhhaha!!

i was really a weird person.........when enter school.........gay guys like me.......oh i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yucks...

i like girl but girl dont like me..........ahahahhaha...so funny this life...

ermmm about if i know since a child.......

when i little, i reaally like a barbie doll!!!!!!!! wow so cute, but my parent buy a power ranger instead hahahah

actually.. i have some kind of female body, and i dont take any hormones..

i have tits..even i was slim. small tits, but bigger than normal guy, i never be fat!!!! so thats really a boobs and not a fat that left when im a fat..coz in entire life, i always slim guy...and 1 more, i have curve and big butss!!!! i used to hate it before coz all my male fren have a flat body, and its cool for a guy to have a flat body..

and then i have a female face a bit, when i ask people, they dont said im hensem, instead they said im preety,.....

so actualy i have a body of 12 years old girl, and attracted to girl, but im a guy.........if i dont have penis, i would like to be a girl...somehow, i had a penis and need to be a guy....im fine with that, i can be guy, but when im in guy mode, people said im looks like a girl, i hate that and its like some kind of insult..but really, i do a bit like a girl, i looks like a tomboy girl, not a man...........i dont know, i really confuse.....i really want to be a girl, but i have a dick, but peoples said i looks like a girl....and its really make my my dizzy!!! i love to ->-bleeped-<- a girl, and hell no for men, but gay guy always wants me and its so scary!!!

[Kaeren]

Yes I did.

I was always jealous because it seemed to me that girls were allowed to wear nicer clothes.