Another take or transsexuality.

[lauren3332]

I just thought of something earlier today.  It is always said that transsexualism is from birth and that people who come out later in life did not realize it earlier on.  Things such as depression and other things can rewire chemicals in our brains to think certain things.  Is it possible that someone could somehow have had a rewiring of their brain and feel that they are a girl.  I was just wondering if something like that could have happened to me.  I guess it could be said that if it were that simple you could take pills to get rid of it, but maybe it is somehow some type of different kind change in the brain that cannot be solved through simple means. 
I kind of look at my transsexualism like the earth itself.  All the continents of the earth were once all together and not separated.  This was known as Pangea, but now this is not the case at all.  The lands of the Earth are all scattered.  Maybe I wasn't always trans but somehow became that way and it just stuck.  This analogy makes me feel better somehow.  My doubts are almost all gone and I am ready for help.  This time for real.   

[Cindy]

Hi
Interesting post. From other threads many TG people identify very early in life as being TG, even though they cannot define it. In my case, and only as a n example, I knew I was female before I knew what being female was. I just knew it.
Depression, in may case, came on in later life when I was facing the enigma of being the gender that my sex demonstrates or being the sex my gender is. The conflict was difficult, and for me and many others it led to depression etc.

Since I have been on medication my depression is largely under control. I have no problems accepting that I am female. I do have problems with how to proceed, don't we all . But my medication came AFTER my realizations. And contrary to your hypothesis medication has made no influence om mt gender ID, if anything it has cleared the fog and allowed me to think and plan.

But as I said an interesting question and I look forward to intelligent debate. Just to mix it up . Why do many 'males' ( I am not going to define many) who are violent sex offenders take hormonal treatment in prison and present as female?

I do not think that in Australia for example compulsory AA is given.


Cindy

[spacial]

It is an interesting post.

There are undoubtedly many reasons why people feel more affiliated to the sex other than their birth sex.

As society has gradually been moving away from the notion of being led toward the principal of individualism, each choosing how we live and our attitudes, self expression has become more accepted.

We can see on here, where almost everyone can talk about themselves without inhibition, that there are a variety of aspirations. Some simply want to alter their sexual appearance and live completely as their chosen gender.

Others want to alter their appearence, to a greater or lesser extent but continue seeking relationships with the opposite to their birth genders.

Some, such as myself, for a variety of reasons, simply seek an opportunity to express their feelings. In my case, I have an amazing relationship with a wife who is better than I deserve. All other things being equal I would change and would have done so long ago.

So, perhaps the reason for this is that society is now more accepting of individual expression.

Ultimately, I hope society develops to the point were such expressions are as normal as a man, for example, choosing to have long or short hair. Or a woman choosing to wear trousers or a skirt.

What any of us carries between our legs, whether what we were born with or that which a skilled surgeon has altered for us, is no-body's business really.

[lauren3332]

There just seems to be quite a bit of stigma around people who didn't feel anything and then out of the blue BAM.  This could cause some transsexuals to keep trying to analyze and intellectualize their transsexuality when all it does is steer you away from what you truly are and want.  I might not have been trans at an early age, but I am here now and I want to help others.  I will never know what it is like to feel the wrong gender in childhood, but the pains of wanting to be perceived as female since the age of 17 is enough for me to understand even if it is not to the extreme as in other cases.  I felt for a long time that I somehow created my transsexuality and made it all up because the feelings came from nowhere and most of the stories I read talked about those who have always known.  I thought that maybe I wasn't a real girl but just like the idea of being a girl or something.  I know now that the long list of theories I had for why I felt this way are untrue.  I realized that even though I probably will always have quite of bit of male attributes that the continuous thoughts of wanting to be Lauren is what makes my transsexuality real.  Thoughts of being someone's sister also plagued my mind.  My biggest fear is that no one will believe me when I tell them.  I wasn't acting as a man in childhood, I was a man or boy.  Now I am a girl or woman.  I don't know why this changed occurred but somehow it has.  I just wanted to say to those who have a similar background, don't beat yourself up because you didn't feel it when you were two minutes old.  If it's real, then you already will know it.  Because if it wasn't your mind woudn't be plagued by thoughts of yourself as the other gender. 

[kyril]

Those of us with a fixed gender identity can't pretend to understand what it must feel like to experience a change in gender identity. But it would be hypocritical for us to claim that it's not possible, given that we ourselves fight against people who tell us that it's not possible to have a gender identity inconsistent with our bodies.

It's possible that the shift you experienced could be something like being bigendered, but on a longer time scale. Or it could be something entirely else. We don't know much at all about trans brains yet, and we certainly don't have nearly enough data to talk meaningfully about the neurological characteristics among different groups of trans people. What we do know is that there are a lot of different groups. MTF TS, MTF TG, MTF CD, FTM TS, FTM TG, FTM CD, Androgyne, Genderqueer, Bigendered, Two-Spirit (all of which come in male-, female-, and intersex-bodied forms)...I'm sure I'm leaving some people out. And there are the combinations, like FTM TSs who are MTF CDs with a Genderqueer preferred presentation. And there may be some subdivisions - there are those who have argued that the obvious, apparently-discrete age "cohorts" of transitioning trans women represent different forms of transsexuality that may have different neurologies. There's also some argument in the FTM community about whether butch-lesbian-identified FTMs are correctly categorized with the rest of us (male-identified, gay or straight) guys.

Basically, my point is that nobody should be scared away from identifying as trans just because their experience or history or self-perception doesn't match some specific narrative. There are literally dozens of different common narratives, and if none of those fit, there's plenty of room to write your own.

[rejennyrated]

Quite. I totally agree with Kyril.

Does it really matter how or why it happens for you? I don't think it does.

I'm one of those early adopters so to speak - I was even out to my parents and friends by the age of 4 or 5. But to be honest I'm sometimes embarrassed about having been so young... with me the worry might be whether this was some silly childhood missunderstanding that somehow got lodged deep in my psyche before I could realise that it was wrong.

It's pointless to worry - none of these narratives is any more valid or correct than any others. We all come to understand who we are at different times and indeed may choose to express that understanding in different ways.

So don't fret - the important thing is not the why or the when - it is deciding what you want to do about expressing your understanding now.

[K8]

While many TS's will insist that they knew their sex and gender didn't match at an early age, there are many on this site who have said they didn't realize it until later - sometimes puberty but sometimes much later.

When I was little I could see that I was male and therefore had to live as a boy but knew I should be a girl.  I didn't think I was a girl.  But I've read many accounts of people who knew they were girls even though their bodies weren't girls' bodies.

My point is that we come in a huge variety.  Trying to shoehorn yourself into some category that doesn't really fit you hurts, as most of us here will attest.  It is important how you feel now.  There is no requirement that you felt that way when you were little.

- Kate

[Bam]

lauren3332 i would differ with you on that,i knew at 7-8 yrs old that something was wrong i was very effeminate and wanted to play with girls.I discovered what it was by chance when i dressed up as a girl for a masquerade party at 13 and felt really comfortable.About that time i by chance discovered male hormones and steroids at the gym which helped carry for a lot of years,but the feeling i was in the wrong body still persisted no matter what i did,went in the US Marines,Vietnam,getting married(still with me after 41 years and full transition)and 4 kids.I was resigned to living this way until a medical condition(sprayed with agent orange) forced me into a choice and i went for at the age of 52.I now feel like my brain and my body are in unison. 

[gothique11]

I think that the information age has played a big impact in that information is now more available than it was in the past. I wonder if the information and accessibility to that information was available 40 years ago if many of the older transitioners would have transitioned earlier on. I think society plays a role as well; being trans has started to be come more acceptable in or society than it was 40 years ago.

In my case, information has helped me not only do research, but find the appropriate support (both medical and friendship wise). A lot of younger people these days have fewer issues than older people.

When I was younger, I grew up in small towns. There was no internet or widely availible information. The psych docs at the time told my mom that she just had to try harder to find male-based activities for me and find a male role model, which would "save me from a life of confusion." Back then ('80s), that's what many medical professionals thought -- that it was abnormal and that if caught at an early age you could prevent someone from growing up transsexual. Of course, now, that has changed and it has become much easier to find a medical professional with a better understanding.

As a kid, I would go to the small, local library and see if there was any information. There was nothing. The only time I got some exposure was off talk-shows, often with the audience reacting in disgust. Society, in general, viewed transsexuals as weirdos, perverts and freaks. As a young kid, this affected me a lot as I knew how I felt (and even related to those on the talk show), but I was scared of saying much. I would go into deep depressions that still impact me today. The feeling that I'm a freak and I should be ashamed of who I am was ingrained in me.

Now, with the information age, that has been changing. More and more people are starting to be "ok" with transsexuals and trans folk in general. It isn't ideal, yet, but the attitudes are changing as time goes on. More and more people are exposed to trans-folk and seeing them as people. The younger generation has a very different viewpoint and attitude vs the older generations.

With more information, we can connect with each other. It's much easier to find other trans-folk to relate to and it's much easier to get connections to doctors, therapists, an psychologists who have an understanding of transsexualism.

The internet has made a huge impact. 

I would say that in the next 10 years, there will be even bigger changes and more acceptance. I also think we'll see more variety, as gender queer, two-spirit, bi-gender, androgynous and so on also come with the flow of information. Society will continue to change and the out look will look better for trans-folk.

[pebbles]

Lauren  everyone's story is unique it could well be the case for you and others that maybe you were induced into Dysphora by depression.

I recommend however that you make a journal and record your memories when you explore your early memories.
Contrary to what you might think our memories and understanding of ourselves are not neatly laid out before us just waiting for us to think and *bing* you know you wanted to be a girl from a young age.
My mind at least and I suspect of others is more like an enigmatic puzzle box you can't find certain things out until you work out other preceding facts before it. And memories we seek are locked away in cryptic layers.

I initially thought my GID I had appeared when I was 16 and were for some odd sexual purpose or inadequacy related to my manhood or sense of self.

It was when I kept a journal and I understood why I was seeking to emulate certain female behaviours at that age I recalled that my motivation for this change stemmed from depression and hate of how my body appeared It's when I realized my motivation I started getting memories from age 10-13 surfacing which were clearly dysphoria related and were linked to those feelings.

[Cindy]

I think that the information age has played a big impact in that information is now more available than it was in the past. I wonder if the information and accessibility to that information was available 40 years ago if many of the older transitioners would have transitioned earlier on. I think society plays a role as well; being trans has started to be come more acceptable in or society than it was 40 years ago.

In my case, information has helped me not only do research, but find the appropriate support (both medical and friendship wise). A lot of younger people these days have fewer issues than older people.

When I was younger, I grew up in small towns. There was no internet or widely availible information. The psych docs at the time told my mom that she just had to try harder to find male-based activities for me and find a male role model, which would "save me from a life of confusion." Back then ('80s), that's what many medical professionals thought -- that it was abnormal and that if caught at an early age you could prevent someone from growing up transsexual. Of course, now, that has changed and it has become much easier to find a medical professional with a better understanding.

As a kid, I would go to the small, local library and see if there was any information. There was nothing. The only time I got some exposure was off talk-shows, often with the audience reacting in disgust. Society, in general, viewed transsexuals as weirdos, perverts and freaks. As a young kid, this affected me a lot as I knew how I felt (and even related to those on the talk show), but I was scared of saying much. I would go into deep depressions that still impact me today. The feeling that I'm a freak and I should be ashamed of who I am was ingrained in me.

Now, with the information age, that has been changing. More and more people are starting to be "ok" with transsexuals and trans folk in general. It isn't ideal, yet, but the attitudes are changing as time goes on. More and more people are exposed to trans-folk and seeing them as people. The younger generation has a very different viewpoint and attitude vs the older generations.

With more information, we can connect with each other. It's much easier to find other trans-folk to relate to and it's much easier to get connections to doctors, therapists, an psychologists who have an understanding of transsexualism.

The internet has made a huge impact. 

I would say that in the next 10 years, there will be even bigger changes and more acceptance. I also think we'll see more variety, as gender queer, two-spirit, bi-gender, androgynous and so on also come with the flow of information. Society will continue to change and the out look will look better for trans-folk.

I think this is a really key factor. I was born in 1953. I knew things were 'wrong' but no idea what. I was about 12-13, sitting in a barbers for a hair cut I didn't want but was told to have. I picked up a magazine while waiting and there was a letter to a help person about a guy who cross dressed. I cannot remember the full reply but I remember feeling faint and realizing that there were people like me.

Now a days there is massive amount of information and support, even though it seems so little at times. As I was growing any 'male' who crossed dressed was a poofter or a drag queen. 'He' was acceptable on a stage being a comedian, but not in life.

Now I go out to dinner, drinks, shopping and anything else I want to do. I don't pass well but I am very rarely 'bailed' up, and so far have been safe and felt safe. I think Western society is changing, the internet has certainly been an incredible service to people like us (?). For example how many have developed, grown and changed thanks to this web site? Lots.

Cindy

[K8]

I think this is a really key factor. I was born in 1953. I knew things were 'wrong' but no idea what. I was about 12-13, sitting in a barbers for a hair cut I didn't want but was told to have. I picked up a magazine while waiting and there was a letter to a help person about a guy who cross dressed. I cannot remember the full reply but I remember feeling faint and realizing that there were people like me.

Now a days there is massive amount of information and support, even though it seems so little at times. As I was growing any 'male' who crossed dressed was a poofter or a drag queen. 'He' was acceptable on a stage being a comedian, but not in life.

Now I go out to dinner, drinks, shopping and anything else I want to do. I don't pass well but I am very rarely 'bailed' up, and so far have been safe and felt safe. I think Western society is changing, the internet has certainly been an incredible service to people like us (?). For example how many have developed, grown and changed thanks to this web site? Lots.

Cindy

Amen, Cindy.  I am ten years older than you and know what you are saying. 

This site has helped me enormously, and I found a support group using the internet.  The spread of information has made it easier for me by educating (enlightening?) the general public.  Most everyone I run into just thinks I should be able to live my life as I am – a woman who was born with a male body.  And no one seems to care whether I knew as a child or found out a couple of years ago or why I am this way.

I think the crucial thing is that I know what I am at last.  How I got here is only interesting as part of the story.

- Kate

[spacial]

I also have to agree that having information available is enormously helpfull.

I was born in 1955, so, like others, have watched as so much has become available.

But I have to say that, in my own case, what held me back was fear. My parents thought they could make a man of me by beating. That just ended up making me utterly petrified of anyone.

What I'm trying to say is that society is moving forward. In the 60s for example, homosexuality was generally illegal and certainly a reason to be socially outcast. Someone found to be involved in homosexual activity then would be barred from most senior or secure positions. The reason was generally given as potential for blackmail.

It remained a means of blackening people though. I recall some spies who defected to Russia being branded homosexuals. Until someone asked the question, if you knew, why did you hire them.

There is another member here from Finland who is experiencing serious porblems with her military who deny she is female. Their society continues to see itself under potential seige. Their ruling classes continue to insist that their young people prepare themselves to die. Self expression is only acceptable while it doesn't interfere with the preparations to kill people they don't know.

Here, mass war is now a matter of nuclear weapons. Our ruling classes consider themselves protected by those so they no longer need to send individuals to kill strangers, a bucket load can be killed with the press of a button.

So, society is moving forward. Self expression is being more tolerated and even to an extent, protected. The availability of information, in itself, however is irrelevant.

Just as homosexuals have always existed, so have people with varying degrees of Transgendered problems. Inquiries are no-longer treated as potential interest in preversion. At least, not in the case of homosexuality and transgender.

[Sandy]

An interesting point, Lauren.  Did the transsexuality cause the depression or did the depression cause the transsexuality?  A quite common theme in the trans persons life is depression, and I don't think that anyone has analyzed it to see if it is endemic to the condition.  Most assume it is a by product of having to hide and pretend that we are something that we are not.

I do remember having fits of some very bleak depression going all the way back to when I was in third grade.  Coincidentally at that time I was becoming acutely aware that there was something not right about me.  At that time it wasn't the classical "girl in boys body" feeling.  It was more along the lines of feeling like I had my shoes on the wrong feet, but all over my body.

I dared not speak of the depression or odd feelings when I was younger, because my parents were very blue collar types and anything like that was crazy talk.  And anyone crazy was a stigma to the family, though my father suffered from severe anxiety and depression as well, he never sought counselling or medical assistance (because he too would then be "crazy").

I've turned these kind of thoughts over in my mind as well, searching for a reason, a trigger of some sort, that would explain why I'm only one in tens of thousands to have this.  And I keep coming up with the same answer, "It doesn't matter".  It is what it is, or to quote Popeye, "I yams what I yams, and that's all that I yams!"  Though he was hardly any sort of role model for me growing up.

-Sandy("toot toot!")

[kyle_lawrence]

Things such as depression and other things can rewire chemicals in our brains to think certain things.  Is it possible that someone could somehow have had a rewiring of their brain and feel that they are a girl. 

Interesting idea.  Gives me a lot to think about actually.

I was always a bit of a tomboy growing up, but never felt like I should have been a boy till I was 20 or 21.  I wonder if it could have been connected to a medical problem when I was 19.   

I had surgery on my spine, and the surgeon accidently tore a small hole in the sack around my spinal cord, causing cerebral spinal fluid to drain out.  It got to the point where i had no fluid in my brain.  The tear healed itself, and my body replaced the CFS fluid, so I'm completely fine now.  I have heard that hormones and things like seratonin, and other chemicals kinda hang out in there, so I'm wondering what that did to my brain to have it all wiped out and replaced.

I never had any problems with depression or GID till after.  I went from being a straight edge honors student and happy girl, to depressed and suicidal and hating being a girl with in a year.  Maybe its all a big coincidence, but I definitely was a different person before the CFS leak.

[ifonlyican14]

i have realize my case in the age of 29
i thought this has happened because of the porno movies
but i remember at the age of 7 wearing my mother clothes
and the age of 11 it happened again
at the age of 15 i already had my feminie clothes
i had breasts growing in the age of 12
i had to play sports so that my breasts would disappear
i had to be on diet to avoid having hips
i went to psychitrist in the age of 30
he said i have gender dysphoria and should search for male activities such as martial arts of weight lefting, and said that this would remove my gender dysphoria.
i tried, but i couldnot remove this feeling of woman inside of me.

[Rock_chick]

I'm going to steal one of Jenny's lines and say that GD is not a one size fits all kind of thing. There could be any number of reasons why these feeling develop and none of them are wrong. I know a lot of people were aware at a very young age, some like myself were aware at the onset of puberty (though looking back at my earlier childhood, there are a few instances that make me question if at some level I knew something was amiss...but i certainly wasn't aware consciously), and some people find they become aware slowly later in life. I think stress and depression can certainly accentuate the feelings of dysphoria...it certainly did with me, but does it cause GD, i don't know. All it might be doing is triggering some latent feelings that have lain in a sub-routine of your brain fr years.

[Dryad]

To be honest: I didn't realize until a few years back. Before that, and yes, all the way to remembering the thoughts as a three year old, I simply didn't understand why I wasn't a girl. That's not exactly the same as realizing I'm a girl in a not-so-girly body, and I didn't really think I should have been a girl.. I just never for the life of me could understand why I wasn't born a girl, while that, to me, seemed like the logical thing to happen. (To be fair: This was a driving question, for me. As a young child, I was nearly obsessed with it.)
Only a few years ago, I realized the answer. And it was: 'Whoopsie!'

I'm also riddled by depression. Riddled and ridden, you could say. Not to seem sad, but a lot of nasty stuff has happened in my life, and I must admit that I am depressed about my gender-identity thing, bút.. Since so many things have happened, it's hard to separate the how from the why from the when from the what. And I believe most people suffering from depression can recognize this. Did I make certain choices because I was depressed? Or did the results just lead me to become depressed? Was I depressed because I felt like [..], or did I feel like [...] because I am depressed?
It's an intricate spider's web, and me: I'm not finished puzzling.

[ifonlyican14]

i think most transexuals feel depressed, due to the conflict between their body and soul, due to the inability to become what their nature tell, but i don't think that depression leads to transsexuality.

[pamshaw]

This is a very interesting subject for me personally as it took me a very long time to fully accept my GID. When I was growing up things were very different and people who were different were treated badly. Also there was little understanding or tolerance for our condition. I certainly knew I was different being a small boned feminine male who was very interested in my mother's underwear. My brothers were big strong males and tough guys. I preferred to hang out with girls and loved to gossip with them. I was always afraid as I was continually picked on and called a girl. I actually feared for my life so I repressed my true self. When I was about 22 I started dressing frequently but still refused to accept my true self. The internet and a wonderful therapist have changed everything as I am now well on my way to full womanhood even though I wish it had happened years ago. I know I am not alone and I am so happy I can be the female on the outside; I was always one inside. I am very happy that things are so much better so young transgender people can transition early in life and live in their proper gender for a long time.

Pam