FtM SO, need some guidance.

[RayneFyre]

So, my boyfriend has been going through his process for a year now. I've taken him to his counselor sessions, doctor appointments, etc. He just started T a month ago and I'm really excited for him. But, I have a few questions that have been on my mind.

1. A big thing for me is my identity. I consider myself a lesbian, but he wants me to identify as straight. He wants to go to straight clubs, double date with other straight couples, and pretty do everything else to make himself appear like a straight bio male. This is really stressful to me to feel forced to act as a straight girl when I don't like it's who I am inside. (Even as I wrote this, he caught a glimpse of the word 'lesbian' and started getting upset. Any words of wisdom?

2. I feel really awkward ever since he started T. He gets easily irritable and snappy with me for quite a few days after his shot. Is this normal? Does it happen every time or does it go away?

3. Sexually, I've always been there for him. But, ever since he started T, I don't feel comfortable going 'down there'. This makes him feel like I'm rejecting his change and upsets him. Has anyone else felt nervous or uncomfortable in this way? Am I doing something wrong?

4. Since he wants to identify as straight he wants everyone to think he was born a guy. So, I'm not able to talk to anyone about his process except maybe my mom. He feels if I try to talk to someone else about his process, how I feel, etc it's an invasion of his privacy. What should I do?

I have a lot more questions, but I will have to come back later to do so. Hopefully someone can help me figure some things out. Good night everyone and ttyl.

~Bree

[Jamie-o]

I'm FtM, so I can't answer from a partner's perspective, but I will try to answer what I can the best I can.

1. I imagine this is really a tough situation to be in.  It probably feels as if you've been out for however long, and now someone is trying to shove you back in the closet.  On the other hand, I suspect his knee-jerk reaction to the word "lesbian" stems from the fact that he has been forced for so long to act like something he doesn't feel like he is inside.  For the first time in his life he has the opportunity to be seen the way he has always seen himself, and it undoubtedly grates on his nerves when anybody suggests (deliberately or not) that who he is isn't "real"; That the other person he so long pretended to be is who he "really" is.  Hopefully, over time, he'll become more confident in his presentation and you two will be able to find a compromise that doesn't threaten either of your identities.

2.  I experienced a bit of this at first, too.  Actually, it wasn't so much that I was irritable, as that my moods swung more rapidly than they used to, and when I was irritated I was more likely to show it.  I found that that tapered off after a few months.  However, if the change is really extreme, it could also be an indication that he either needs to adjust his dose, or split it out into smaller, more frequent doses.  If the irritability doesn't settle in a couple months, I'd suggest he talks with his doctor.

3.What is it, specifically, that's making you uncomfortable?  (You don't have to answer aloud if you don't want to.  )  Is it the change in smell?  Is it the growth?  Is it because he asks you to use terms that are a turn-off for you?  No-one should be pressured into doing something that makes them uncomfortable, but if you could determine exactly what the issue is, maybe you could come to some compromise or understanding.

4. My suggestion would be to respect his wishes in the "real" world, where you would be talking to people who actually know him, or might meet him, but to discuss your fears and concerns in an anonymous setting of people who have gone down the same road, like here at Susan's. 

I hope some of that was helpful..  Hopefully some of the SO's around here will drop in with suggestions from that point of view soon.  Good luck.

[cynthialee]

You are just as entitled to your identity as a lesbian as he is as a man.

Maybe he could be ok with you taking the stance...I am a lesbian but I fell in love with a guy.

I mean seriously now....the world does not revolve around this one man.

[accord03]

Leave.

His a man and you're a lesbian.

[Tozzle]

Hi RayneFyre,

Hopefully I can add something helpful here. I can empathise pretty well with what you're going through.  You've already come across my story as you've posted there.

1.  This is a biggie for me too - in accepting my partner's identity I'm expected to lose mine, either partially or wholly.  I don't think this is fair and won't be doing so (not wholly).  As CynthiaLee said to me respect for identity is a two way street and being asked by someone to respect their identity and in the process ditch yours simply isn't on - this does not make for an equal relationship and is not the kind of relationship I want to be in.  It might sound like I'm talking tough or whatever, but I've been through a lot of painful thinking to reach this point and something my friends are always telling me is that I need to look after me - no-one else is going to do that for me.  There's no way in the world that I would want to pretend to identify as straight or hang out in straight places - to do this would be a massive denial of who I am, an out and proud lesbian.  I'm lucky in the respect that if my partner ever does decide to transition then they are still going to identify as queer, so the 'acting straight' thing won't be an issue. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to end the denial of who he is, but in return is asking you to start denying who you are - this isn't OK. 

2. Sorry - I can't offer any first-hand advice on this one.  Have a look round for some literature on the effects of T - and the process of male puberty, which is pretty much what he's just embarking on - mood swings are part of that. The guys here will be able to offer more advice on this one.

3. Firstly, you don't have to do anything sexually that you're not comfortable with - you don't mention this being the case, but if someone is pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with then they're probably not a compatible sex partner.  I really think you should try to talk to your partner about what's going on for you, but when you do make sure you pick a neutral place where you can both talk freely and do it in daylight when you have time to go through the whole thing and reach an mutually suitable agreement.

4. This isn't fair either as it's not just him being affected by his transition.  Anecdotally, I was somewhere recently talking to a counsellor about transition (not as a client) and they said to me they were new to this area and were really interested in finding out more about gender identity issues.  we chatted, and when I mentioned that there were very few places SO's can go for support and advice she looked at me like I'd just stepped off the moon with amazing new knowledge - 'I hadn't even considered that' she said to me, wide eyed.  No, I replied, people often don't.  To deny you the right to talk about your feelings and how his transition affects you is akin to denying you the right to your own mental health and wellbeing.  You are absolutely going to need support, ranging in scope from a place to vent and rant to a shoulder to cry on - this is essential for simply getting through life, let alone dealing with something as massive as your partner's transition.  A virtual shoulder to cry on isn't good enough.  I do empathise with his need to be able to build his life the way he feels most comfortable with and build new social ties in the way he wants to, ways that fit with his identity, but asking you to put up and shut up isn't OK.  Have you got friends from before his transition who know your situation and you could rely on for discreet support?

Another thing - have you considered getting some counselling for yourself?  It may also be worth you both seeking out couples counselling, so you can go through these sorts of things with an objective mediator.  If my partner and I had more money then I would certainly be looking for this.

A friend said to me very recently that it's those that love the most that hurt the most - ain't that the truth!

Tozz

[Autumn]

You are either gay, and you break up with him, or you are bi and you stay with him. That's simple, isn't it?

It's not as if people don't go gay/straight sometimes just for one special person in their life, or as an exploration, or any other number of reasons. But if being partnered with a male is completely disgusting to you, then you owe it to both of you to end it. If you can be with this person as a man, hair, scents, behaviors, and all, then why deny your actual identity of being a woman who can sometimes also like guys too?

Testosterone does that. It's up to each person to manage their own self. He needs to recognize that his personality IS going to be changed by testosterone and react accordingly, which means, manning up and apologizing when he's an ass.

Yeah, Boys smell bad. Sorry. Not smelling like a guy anymore is the best part of HRT.



As for outing him... my current girlfriend is the first person I've been in a relationship with, or dated, since I began transition, who did not know of my status ahead of time. She had no idea until I told her, and having spent many years in sports in high school, she's been with plenty of women before me.

When she told her friend, who has had 3 trans partners, I told her that I thought that that was very reasonable and that I was glad that she has a close friend who she can talk to about the situation. I knew that she would have questions, doubts, and just need someone to talk to about the situation because significant others often are left out of the support circle. And I told her that I did NOT want it to be something that everyone knows, i did NOT want her family to know, i just want to be myself.

She eventually told her mother, who likes me better than my own mother does at this point, which I felt was a bullet dodged. But it lowers my guard, the more people who know, the less I feel I have to be 110% guarded.

She told me recently that she was talking to a friend of her's and the rest of her friend's band overheard about me being trans. And another friend of her's she talked to.

I really adore her, but it's things like "oh the whole band overheard me talking about you being a ->-bleeped-<-, sorry" that are WHY I really wish she wouldn't talk about it. To someone trans who is fully passable, people finding out you're trans is sometimes no big deal... othertimes, emotionally devestating, can ruin friendships, ruin careers, and get you murdered.

So when acquaintances of mine ask in mixed company gatherings how my parents are dealing with my transition, or when a coworker asks me how I can be with a woman when I'm having a sex change with customers nearby, it's really, really f***ing horrible to me. People who know you're trans are also prone to criticizing every flaw you have outside of perfect masculinity/femininity, despite the wide spectrum of both genders.

[kisschittybangbang]

BREE!!!! <3

I should get one here more! Maybe then I would have noticed this. hmmm... You left out some info when you emailed me and this DEFINITELY expands on it

So, my boyfriend has been going through his process for a year now. I've taken him to his counselor sessions, doctor appointments, etc. He just started T a month ago and I'm really excited for him. But, I have a few questions that have been on my mind.

1. A big thing for me is my identity. I consider myself a lesbian, but he wants me to identify as straight. He wants to go to straight clubs, double date with other straight couples, and pretty do everything else to make himself appear like a straight bio male. This is really stressful to me to feel forced to act as a straight girl when I don't like it's who I am inside. (Even as I wrote this, he caught a glimpse of the word 'lesbian' and started getting upset. Any words of wisdom?

He actually taked to me about this one BEFORE you emailed me. I don't think he wants to PUSH you into being straight, but I know for a fact that he is afraid that you're identity may split you both apart. Honestly, A label isn't who you are, but if you feel he's pushing you into a corner to be striaight, that's not who you are and it's uunacceptable for him to put you in such a position,. You don't have to pretend to be straight, but you also don't have to out him. If the topic comes up, and you don't like the label of "bi" then shrug it off and go "I'm not bi, I know for a fact that I prefer women... He's just the only exception."

2. I feel really awkward ever since he started T. He gets easily irritable and snappy with me for quite a few days after his shot. Is this normal? Does it happen every time or does it go away?

This is actually normal. Guys on T really have to get used to such a high dosage of horomones (Think a girl on her period.... you get moody too, especially if it was being injected into your bloodstream) It also had  to do with dosage. It may be too high, which it probably is. Give him some time and ask him to talk to his doctor about checking the dosage or pissibly lovwering it a ltitle.

3. Sexually, I've always been there for him. But, ever since he started T, I don't feel comfortable going 'down there'. This makes him feel like I'm rejecting his change and upsets him. Has anyone else felt nervous or uncomfortable in this way? Am I doing something wrong?

You maybe having some problems because you're afraid of hurting him because in the past it was an off limits zone?? It may also be something else, But I think every person dating a trans idinvidual has some issues with this. It does get a little confusing and at times scary. I had some major issues dealing with sex originally, but overall I sunk to a level and watched some videos and decided to treat my ex as a man.... take a different appraoch and have fun with it. Sex shouldn't be something scary, if it is. ask him to be understanding and let him know that it's not him, but you need to work througha few things before getting to that level. Yes, he's horny, but dealing with blue balls is something every boy must do. God gave him a hand. He can use it.


4. Since he wants to identify as straight he wants everyone to think he was born a guy. So, I'm not able to talk to anyone about his process except maybe my mom. He feels if I try to talk to someone else about his process, how I feel, etc it's an invasion of his privacy. What should I do?

He doesn't seem to have a problem with me.... But I can see where he's coming from. If he just flat out and went to someone and threw everything you were sensitive about to others you weren't comfortable with knowing, you'd be upset. He DOES need to come to some understanding that it's a stressful time. For a siugnificant other, you can feel trapped. he has his therapist, you, others trans guys, and for a SO it can be very loneyl when he's under wras. Sounds like he's trying to completely deny that he was born ... a little different. I really don't know why, but some guys do that.... other's embrace their past. Talk to him about your feelings of isolation and let him know that sometimes it's gotta come out. You might be able to make a few friends in the local trans community... even in your state THERE ARE TRANS SO's. 

Who knows. Maybe one day I'll come visit. Oh hey that'd be interesting. I'm not dating trans men right now, but damnit I've got my horror stories XD

Much love. Say hello to the fuzzy children for me.

B
Post Merge: July 14, 2010, 04:06:29 AM

You are either gay, and you break up with him, or you are bi and you stay with him. That's simple, isn't it?

As for THIS. Autumn, There aren't just 3 sexualities. I completely disagree with you. I'm in NO WAY bisexual and I've dated trans men. Kindly cut the box lids out of your life. Rainbow doesn't just consist of primary colors (IE RED BLUE AND YELLOW) They merge and make an entire plethora of beauty thank you very much