Well, the BF I mentioned in another post didn't really pan out... it just kinda fizzed. Still friends, but things just kinda didn't go anywhere dating wise.
Then I had another guy interested in me, I told him about my past and then he instantly became not interested in me, but continued to tell me how he already figured and how I don't pass at all, etc, etc, and how I shouldn't lie and I should announce to everyone that I'm trans instead of deceiving people. o_0 So, yeah, of course that didn't work. And I don't think myself is deceiving people... but I guess some people see that.
So, yeah, that guy was interested in me and once I said something, and of course to say that he saw it all along and wasn't "fooled" -- weird how he never said anything before the fact or acted on it. *sigh* Strange how I never seem to have problems in real life, I get hit on, I get asked about my periods, men worry that I might get pregnant, doctors automatically test my pee to see if I'm pregnant, and I get asked about my stretch marks and if I had kids or was pregnant. Apparently, I'm amazing at fooling the world and deceiving everyone with my wicked ways - I must be an amazing actress (or, "actor") and, surely, I deserve an award of some sort.
Being a woman isn't something I think about or try to be. I just be the woman I am. Being trans is something that rarely passes my mind. Even friends who know my past don't think about it anymore -- you know when someone who knows your past swears your pregnant or having your period just like any other woman. In a way, most of my old friends have forgotten my past and they just can't envision the "old me." To them, even with my past, I'm just a regular girl.
I really don't get how I'm "fooling" everyone and going out of my way to "deceive" people just by being myself. I don't even try to do anything. I'm not even girly-girly. I rarely wear make up. I'll walk out the door in boy clothes without worry that someone will think I'm a dude. I'm a bit of a tomboy. I don't go out of my way to try to get people to think I'm one than who I am walking around -- myself. I don't put on any act.
And, walking out the door, I never feel as if I'm lying, deceiving, or going out of my way to do anything to trick anyone. I have too many other things in life to really worry about trying to do something as that.
I don't always have the greatest self-confidence. Sometimes I don't think I look pretty or attractive. I don't like my voice, 'cause it is a bit low (but, for some reason, it's rarely picked out on the phone or in person). But there's one thing that never seems to past my mind, ever, is worrying if I'm a girl or not, or if people think I'm a girl or not. I'll worry that I'm getting fat, or that I'm not pretty enough, or that I'm breaking out with zits all over before going out on a date... things like that... things every girl.
And now I have another guy, who I've started dating. He's a gentleman. I really like him and he likes me. It's been growing great.
And then it hits me last night, something I haven't even thought about -- my past. It just never occurred to me to mention it. I didn't hide it, or avoid the subject, or pretend anything. I just was myself.
But, now what do I do?
I don't feel like I lied. I don't feel like I deceived him. He's getting to know me as a person and we've been intimate. I haven't had a question at all asking if I might be trans. He makes me feel good. He treats me right. He cares about me. He loves eating my pussy (LOL).
In the back of my mind, I wonder, if he's figured it out and doesn't care, or if he doesn't know. It's hard to know what to do. Maybe he's picked up on it, but doesn't wanna dwell on the subject. Does he see my flaws, or is he color blind to them? I mean, he's been down on me several times over and over, and if I look I can see a couple small scars. And it wasn't like we didn't have the lights on, and he's explored my body, and says I'm sexy and he likes me the way I am... he's very attracted to me.
It's hard to know what to do, no matter how many times I've been in this situation. I get into these spots 'cause I'm not sitting here thinking about my past, or being trans, or thinking, really, anything of it.
It's rarely on my brain -- in a way, I forget that I'm trans. I can't even remember what my past being in a male role was like. I don't even really remember what I look like. I have been known to see old pictures of myself as a male and not recognize my own old self.
I'm just a woman. I am who I am.
But the past, it's there, almost like a ghost... it's something that I don't even notice until it some how pop's up here and there. In a way, it's unbelievable even to me. Even those friends I've had for years who have known the past me almost don't believe it -- and rarely, rarely even think about it. In a way, they have forgotten it. But, so have I.
I really don't know what to do. Of course, I'll probably talk to this guy. Of course, now, there's the fear of rejection and losing something that's going amazing.
But, then, there's another part -- does it matter? My past doesn't matter to me. I don't think about it. I don't even think about it. I can't even remember it.
When I talk about past events, in my mind I see myself as the woman I am. I just can't see myself not being.
The past, old self, doesn't even seem real. And, when I do mention it to someone it feels like I'm lying -- like I'm making up this past that doesn't exist, a past where I was male. The male self seems so unreal, fake, and like some kinda made-up lie.
When I tell someone, these days, it feels like I'm making up a lie about being male in the past.
When I'm just being the woman I am now, I don't feel like I'm lying or deceiving anyone.
I never tried to be stealth. I never worked no it. I never did the whole leaving the world behind. I never did any of that.
But, it seems, that I just somehow slipped into stealth without realizing it. I'm realizing my friends have slipped along with me. Is it even stealth? Or is it just letting go of the past.
It look at my vagina, and I just can't see it as something constructed. I can't remember what it was like not to have a vagina... to have a penis, I can't remember what it used to look like or feel like. My vagina just feels like my vagina and that its always been there. The whole surgery feels like a dream. The idea of being transsexual feels like a dream.
Holding onto my past feels like a lie now. It feels like a story. It doesn't feel real.
So, I don't know where that puts me, really.
I don't ever think about being in the wrong gender, like I did in the past. I don't ever think about being transsexual. I don't ever think about being woman -- I just am.
I honestly would have to say that GID/Gender Dysphoria doesn't exist in my psychology anymore. I wouldn't qualify as having GID in any psych test.
I don't have any Gender Dysphoria. Am I even transsexual? Transgender? Do any of those terms apply to me anymore? In a weird way, it feels like the past-self never existed ever, and it was all just a dream. I kinda feel like I had a tumor removed, and then I moved on with life.
But then the past will show itself, or come to mind -- but it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem to be any part of me. The past feels fake, but now feels real, concrete, and... normal.
Sure, I have life issues -- but none of them see to revolve around my past. The only time the past gets involved is if it's mentioned by someone or I mention or talk about it with someone... but even then, it doesn't even seem real. It doesn't seem to have weight. That past seems so unreal... yet, it comes back to haunt from time to time.
....
I'm just a girl with a ghost...
Post Merge: June 07, 2010, 09:19:33 PM
In a way, since it seems to be no problem for me it's hard for me to see why it would be a problem for someone else and affect them so much -- how, I can go from being a person that someone likes, even is attracted to, from mentioning it, and instantly I've become a monster.
I was born with a birth defect, I got it fixed -- it seems no big deal. It doesn't define me, or make me something I'm not. It doesn't take away from the wonderful person I am.
Just like if I were talking to someone on the phone or the net, and I liked the person -- it wouldn't change if I found out that they were really black, male, female, gay, bi, trans, or had three arms. How do those things change a person?
Maybe I'm just used to seeing people as people, and who they are. Maybe it's 'cause a lot of my friends are seen as the "misfits" in society... yet, I never see that. I guess my heart is big. Very big.
I guess, maybe it confuses me how some can let something so small affect them in such big ways. Of course, I understand in my mind that it's small and not even something that affects me to much of a degree now, and to them it's big. Just like some people will judge a person based on color, race, religion, sexual or gender orientation, and so on... I just don't get how that affects how others see you.... 'cause I know none of those things affect who the person is.
